Colleague former BF won't let it go

[Wallartery]

Not quite sure what, if anything, to do.

Five years ago I broke up with my boyfriend of seven years. We met at work. We didn't live together and it was thinking about this step which made me end it. Whatever I felt for him, which at times was a great deal, wasn't enough. I'm not proud of how things ended. It wasn't quick, and for a time I think I used him as a bit of an emotional backstop towards the end. He took the breakup quite badly, emotionally.

Eventually I moved away and we were out of contact for a couple of years. I got a new partner and now do actually live with him. I love him very much.

Then I came back to work at the old place and since my ex hadn't left we were colleagues again. I would have loved us to be friends, but he told me he was still in love with me.

In the year I have been back we have worked together closely. He has never once been anything but kind and lovely to me. In fact he is my closest work colleague, and goes above and beyond in terms of helping me, bigging me up to our bosses, trying to get me exposure to bigger and more exciting work etc.

But he is absolutely open that he is still in love with me. Not in a pressurising way, just completely matter of factly. He won't talk about personal matters at all as he says it's too difficult. He never asks about my weekend or anything, and doesn't even like using my partner's name even when referring to other people with the same name (he would call them Mr Surname rather than use the first name they share with my partner) because he says that thinking about my life without him in it is too upsetting.

He doesn't do it in a nasty or attention seeking way, and is very open that he just doesn't want to think about my new life in any way. He just says that friendship is impossible. We can be friendly, but never friends because of the way he still feels. I never engage when he raises anything emotional, but he seems unable to get over it.

Part of me is grateful because he could have been indifferent or avoided me when I came back. But I just feel sorry for him in a way, and sort of sad for myself and how I behaved towards him.

Really I don't know what I want in terms of advice. I just wish in a way that he would shout at me or behave inappropriately or something. But he doesn't. He is lovely, just won't let this thing go! So we are forever in this half friendship. I guess I can't make him be my friend just like he can't make me be his partner. But it is so weird.

Something about him is making me feel icky. I think I’m getting martyr vibes.

If he hasn’t managed to get over a former relationship he might benefit from therapy to work out how he has become so stuck.

In your shoes, OP, I would be engaging on purely professional terms. No small talk, no chit chat, no entertaining anything that is not related to work. And a big eye roll when he can’t cope with saying your partner’s name.

I mean, I’m sure you’re wonderful, OP, but he should still be able to get over you if he puts some effort into it.

You have no reason to feel guilty. At all. And if he can’t cope with your presence, he can move jobs.

Yes I am wonderful but still 😍

He did say he would look to move jobs when I first came back. Again, he didn't say it in a nasty or accusatory way, just matter of factly. But there are so few jobs, hence me coming back in the first place.

I think he did go to therapy (we haven't discussed it in detail but he hinted at it once).

We do keep the chitchat to a minimum. Almost nothing not related to work, and nothing outside of work hours.

I completely agree.

This man's behaviour is erratic, manipulative and frankly obsessive.

OP, I'd recommend you speak to a manager if you can - someone needs to know what is happening here.

He is not your friend and doesn't want to be your friend - he wants you sexually or not at all by the sounds of it. That's not healthy.

Pull back for your own safety tbh - batshit men tend to escalate their behaviour, and what you're describing isn't cute, sweet or endearing, it's worrying.

I assume he hasn't got a partner and probably hasn't had since you broke up. He needs to accept the reality that you are not going to be getting back with him. He is in denial not wanting to know about what you do outside work so he doesn't have to face the fact that you are with someone else. It was a big mistake going back, is there any room for a sideways move so you are not so close to him at work? Do you think he is stable or could some little thing push him over the edge? He must be under huge pressure with this constantly on his mind.

I disagree with this. I have never felt unsafe. Part of the problem is his lack of erratic behaviour. He has been consistently low key but honest about it. He hasn't escalated at all in a year, and abides by our boundaries 100%.
Obviously I can't read his mind but obsession to me would be him ringing or texting or turning up at my house, sending me flowers etc. He does none of those things. Nor has he made any sexual remarks that I can remember in the last year. He has said he wants to be all in or nothing, but I don't think that's unreasonable as a starting point. I have said 'OK nothing then' and he has stuck with that. He's just obviously sad about it and says as much when we talk.

He has sometimes seemed on edge. Less so now but certainly when we were first back in touch. He half jokingly said he had PTSD about the breakup. That obviously did not make me feel good. But I don't think he told me out of a desire to be manipulative. I think it was true!
But I think he is more used to things now, although definitely in denial.

I agree with this. I think you are enjoying it and it seems as though you are so self centered that you dont care how hurt he is . It must be hell for him to be do close to you all the time. Do him a big favour and find another job.
Also what does your new partner think about it. Do you have a bit of a laugh about it?

I don't enjoy it. My partner and I don't discuss it. Partner knows that he and i work together and have boundaries in place. That's it. We don't talk about him at all.

You think he has PTSD about the breakup? What on earth happened during this breakup?.PTSD is a very serious condition that can only be caused by someone experiencing serious trauma. What on earth happened to traumatised him?

I think this is probably the key information that will explain all the strangeness .....

I think PTSD in this case is probably shorthand for 'lasting emotional damage' rather than diagnosable PTSD.

What happened at the end of this relationship that was so traumatic that he's unable to get passed it? Most people see break ups as an inevitable part of growing up and life, yes, they hurt but it's not usually insurmountable.

I don't know. Both of us have had breakups before. This one was a bit messy, I suppose. But there was no infidelity or anything. He always said from the very start that I was the love of his life. He seems to be clinging on to that. Foolishly there were times I told him the same back, and even though I meant all the times I told him I loved him, it did actually fade. I think he finds that difficult to get his head around when it's not faded for him in his head (although it isn't real any more because we have both changed).

This doesn't feel like it's sustainable, OP. Whilst you might have been a bit cavalier about the impact of going back, he sounds like he's being frozen in an unhealthy position because your presence is making it impossible for him to move on. (Even though it's understandable that you might have assumed he'd done so already.) It doesn't sound like you're doing anything wrong exactly, but what's going to happen if you get married or have kids? How are you going to keep your entire life shrouded like this? Over time, you will invariably get to know other colleagues better and you can't be asking them never to mention your life or your partner. I completely take your point about jobs being hard to come by, but it sounds like it would be judicious to keep an eye out for a different position if at all possible.

He has never asked me not to mention my life in front of other people, just not in front of him. There have been occasions where people have come over to us and made small talk and the conversation looks like it's heading that way. He either tries to change the subject or walks away. Afterwards he has just laughed about it and said sorry for being weird but that's the way he has to be at the moment. And then we carry on.

Are your other colleagues aware of it? It sounds like they're not, but I can't help but feel it could all become a bit more unmanageable over time.

A couple are. He told them during the time we weren't in contact, assuming that I wouldn't come back.

How can you not see that him trying to re-direct a perfectly normal conversation with another colleague is manipulative???

He sounds manipulative to me. Not in an overt, disturbed way, but he has made sure that you are constantly aware of his feelings and behaviours and are are adjusting how you communicate with other colleagues for his comfort. I was the object of a colleague's affections years ago and he behaved similarly, and only when I moved jobs did I realise how unacceptable it was and how it had affected my working life and relations. This guy gives me the same vibes. Nothing so big that you would have grounds for real complaint and just small things that can be explained away, but that when seen together make a pattern that is very uncomfortable.

Maybe you're right. I am just trying to play devil's advocate and wonder what else he could do.

@Wallartery "I have seen him crying once or twice, and some of the behaviours he insists on to avoid confronting my reality are odd."

Yeah, a little too odd. I'd find another job if I was you.

I think you’ve made it difficult for him. He won’t be able to move on now he’s obsessing over you, and you came back and put him in that position.

If you can’t be moved to an area where you don’t work together at all I think you need to find a new job asap.