Feeling shocked after hearing disturbing news about someone from school

[FriendlyNPC]

I found out a few months ago that a boy I went to school with was caught with indecent images of children, it was in the paper and my sibling still lives locally so told me.

He's recently been sentenced, and it was so much worse than initially thought.
I don't really want to describe what, but basically since I read the update I feel sick. We weren't close or anything, but we were friendly, and I feel so disgusting to know.

Not really after anything other than just needing to get it out. I feel a bit pathetic for feeling so physically ill about it. It's not about me. I haven't even seen him in 20 years. But I feel filthy by association, you know. Shocked.

That's it. Thanks for reading.

That’s the thing, isn’t it? It’s not a lifestyle choice. None of us chooses our sexual orientation, we are what we are. If you’re attracted to children, then it must be really hard. I don’t know. Many of us know what it’s like to be tempted to do things we don’t want to do and sexual urges can be overwhelming. That person needs managing and containing.

I would hate to feel that way, it must be overwhelming and unbearable. I have listened to the Double Jeopardy podcast and one of the lawyers there recounted how he was with a client who was in prison and who to him that all while the lawyer was talking to him, he had these images in his head that he couldn’t push away. It must be a torment.

I am really thankful that I’m not like that, and I don’t know what I would do if I or someone that I knew was like that.

I found out recently that the reason a friend split up with her husband was that he had been sexting underage girls. I was shocked at him but also not shocked as tbh my expectations of men are pretty low.
He has teen DDs and so spent lots of time around girls of the age he was sexting. Grim and i wouldn’t want to be in a room with him again.

My school friend's stepdad was caught talking to a 'child' (adult decoy) by one of those paedo sting groups that post the footage.

I was absolutely horrified when I recognised him. Friend had confided in me when we were teens that she didn't see her biological dad because he had molested her when she was younger, and that she was so glad her mom had met a nice man to support her building her career etc.

I can't imagine how she and her family feels - the guilt her mom must feel.

It seems like they're everywhere these days, but I suppose they always were.

I have two people close to me in my family who were convicted of child sexual offences. It shakes you to your core. I wouldn’t have exactly said either of them were wonderful respectable people, but they weren’t, on the surface, particularly objectionable either.

I am better now - this was 9 & 6 years ago, respectively - but it totally shook my trust in other people. There were people close to me, who I trusted, including two with NHS safeguarding roles 🧐 who knew, but kept it quiet so that Dh and I wouldn’t find out (we were, at the time, the only ones in the family with children under 18). It felt like the whole world knew and was conspiring against us.

I very much agree with the assertion that the ones you don’t know about are the ones to be concerned about. I would bet money you have someone quite close to you, doing exactly the same thing, who hasn’t been caught and may never be. Those are the ones to be on red alert about. You’ll never bump into this one in the real world.

Turned out our over the road neighbour (at the time) had been sexually abusing both his daughters for years and swore them to secrecy. Only came to light when he started on the grandchildren. We used to play with the girls when we were children, the mums became friends, the families mixed all the time and we had no idea.
He tried to do a runner abroad but was arrested and brought back, his wife - a lovely, lovely lady - committed suicide on the morning of his trial as she couldn't bear to hear what he had done to the children and grandchildren.
Nobody had a clue. Shocking.

An ex-colleague who I really liked and respected was caught with images of CSA. I felt shocked but mainly sad.

That’s the thing, isn’t it? It’s not a lifestyle choice. None of us chooses our sexual orientation, we are what we are.

It's becoming a lifestyle choice for many. They choose to work as lifeguards, teachers, childcare workers, children's author's, paediatricians. They choose to download these images, knowing they depict images of children being hurt.

We really don't need to try and justify them in any way. They know it's wrong, they know it destroys that kids life, they don't care.

An instructor at the yard I rode at was convicted/imprisoned for CSA. When released, he was straight back to the yard and only sent packing when the owner found out he was hiring out the owner’s horses and pocketing the cash.

This week, a former colleague (teacher) was jailed for CSA offences. I worked with him for 10 years, never a hint of anything dodgy, in fact he was going out with another colleague/mate. Apparently none of his offences were related to the students at his school.

Do you remember what his parents / siblings were like - if it is likely his childhood was abusive ?

There’s also some evidence that “normal” porn is a gateway to accessing images of CSA. Men addicted to pornography seek out more and more extreme material to satisfy themselves. Another reason to restrict porn.

I think men need to take responsibility for themselves. Saying “I was born like this” is a cop out.

Yes algorithmic drift towards more extreme material. Another thing to thank the tech bros for....

The rise of smartphones is also behind this. Children now are so used to being photographed. We are so used to sharing their images online (though I don't anymore.) It's easy to set up a little phone in the corner and produce images then share them along encrypted messaging services such as whatapp. I remember being at a kids water park and there was a man actually lying along a tree branch. At the time I didn't do anything but now I am less trusting. Of course he was zooming in and producing images, but smartphones were so new then.

I think that's a common reaction OP. I don't have a personal story but someone in my family was close friends with a man who was accused of SA a child. It's a long story but the original accusation came through rumour and gossip from a 3rd party with a history of serious MH problems. For this reason most people didn't believe it at first. The person I know was so angry on this man's behalf and defended him when things were getting stressful. When the whole thing became official and the evidence was presented he was distraught. To have completely misjudged a person for so long makes you question everything about your own judgement and taints all happy memories with this person. It's very troubling.

This is such a tragic story. It’s actually very similar to my family’s story. My DSis and I were sexually abused by our F (and others) and my DM had absolutely no idea what was going on. He thankfully died back in 1998.

My DM found out when we told her as adults (we’d repressed the memories for years). She was by then in her 70s (she’s now 87) and has been completely devastated. I don’t think she’ll ever get over it, as she refuses to have any therapy.

My ex had two young daughters under 10 by his ex.
Then he started going on about how girls are able to have sex when they have their periods, but it’s society that’s made it taboo.
That it was wrong to out/shame men like Roman Polanski. That as soon as a man sees as a girl who is blossoming he’s programmed to shag her.
He always added Petula, I’m just telling the truth when most men won’t.
He did say of any man touched his daughters when they became teens he would kill them with his bare hands. But he saw them as things he owned I think.
That was beginning of the end, and for lots of other reasons.
He would stare at young girls and comment how he loved when the schools went back seeing all the young teenagers and preteens in their pleated skirts and white socks.
Grim.
We had grown up in the same area, both quite strict Catholic families and he said when he went to Uni he couldn’t believe how easy the girls were. But now he was older the ones back home were so much more attractive for being forbidden fruit.
Came from a lovely family, great friends, fantastic education and a respectable career.

My mum had a teacher at school (in the 1950’s) who set them all work copying passages from the bible then always asked the same girl to “help him tidy the shelves in the store cupboard”. She only found what was happening years later.

There’s a man she went to school with, who she always points out in the supermarket, who got sent down for sexually abusing young girls. He looks perfectly normal.

Also my male cousin, respected solicitor specialising in employment law who headed up his company’s new project on advice for handling sexual harassment in the workplace, recently got sacked for sexual assault in the workplace. He has a young family. I remember a story from his younger days where he got home from a night out with a wound on his face where a girl had hit him with her high heel.

Men who abuse children are not always true pardophiles. Very often they will exploit anybody that is vulnerable. There is a difference between a true sexual attraction to children, those men normally have a very set age/sex that they are attracted to but I know a serial abuser whose victims spanned a universal age and covered both sexes. That are just your basic opportunists who thrive on power dynasties and exploiting the weaker and more vulnerable people they can groom and can exploit for their own sexual gratification/power play.

I think that's a very fair comment @HoppityBunand that's why there should be a safe place for people to get support or therapy or whatever it takes to separate the thoughts from the actions. I'll admit when a person who seems to have it all with no known MH issues takes their own life I often wonder if this was the core issue.

The one I knew wasn't attracted to children as a sexual orientation, he got off on the sadism and depravity.
The more innocent the victims, the more he got off on it.
These men are sickening.

I have two friends who have both had family members sent down for it. It seems to be scarily common. But it's not on you just because you knew him and didn't guess, just as it's not on our friends for being related to a monster.

I worked in a child protection department some years ago. It’s always existed, long before the net - it was still photos and cine films then,

I was constantly surprised what these abusers looked like - men, and women, all classes and professions, and they didn’t look the sort.

Which is how they all get away with it.

My son is 21. Last year, one of his primary school cohort was jailed for making / distributing indecent images of children. I didn't know this child well, but would occasionally speak to his mum (lovely lady) who worked as a family support worker. Awful.

My cousin is a pedophile

Hes almost 50 and goes for girls aged 12-14 (this has been going on since he left school)

He has got at least 4 pregnant before he was arrested

His wife,(now)adult dds,parents (who are now dead),sister (also dead) niece and my family (parents and brothers) have stood by him because 'anyone can make a mistake' (!!!) and he's still with his wife (who has forgiven him and will carry on forgiving him when he does it again,which be will)

He lost about 3 jobs because of his behaviour (he didn't hide it) and not many friends walked away or 'had a word'

He wad always creepy,even as a child I knew to stay away from him or he'd pounce

As I say,the family stood by him,went to court with him and jeered at the poor but very brave young women who came to give evidence against him

He got a slap on the wrist and is now free

The same family refuse to speak to me for daring to break free of their abuse of me (not related to this,my mother is a narc and made me the scapegoat) and for refusing to stand by him

I moved away from my home town and if I dare to go back,I'm the one who gets spat at and threatened-just because I share the same dna as this pervert

I do NOT stand by him but I'm the one to blame (if you listen to them)

I remember hating that at the time. It was so f-ing smug. You know, ‘sophisticated’ comedians laughing at the stupid Mail readers who think everyone’s a paedophile. I have known at least four women in my life who were sexually abused as kids. None went to the police. CSA is far, far more common that we think. And one of the reasons women don’t come forward is smug twats like the makers of that Brass Eye episode.

Agree. It made me uncomfortable at the time.