1500 people a day leaving work to become carers

[Throwaway380]

Was grimly cheered to see this article on the Guardian this morning as within my social circle this does seem to be increasing and no one is talking about it.

I include myself in that number as I took a career break last Summer and am still not working, looking after my Mum and Dad as well as doing normal Mum of primary aged kid things for my DD. For me it was definitely the combo of kids and parents that meant I was about to have a breakdown.

But within my social circle I know of one other good friend who is also only able to do the most meagre bank shifts as she has three kids and a Mum that needs lots of support. Another friend both her and her partner are working very part time due to their autistic daughter.

For me, it was the ‘right decision’ in the sense I’m not struggling as much mentally. But it’s awful in terms of my pension, independence, long term career prospects. Social care is utterly broken in my opinion.

I was just wondering if there are other Mumsnetters out there who are in this position?

I have two children with additional needs who have toileting issues (both primary aged) so need assistance with laundry after school and showering etc. I never know when it's going to happen. So on edge until they get home. It's a horrible way to live your life. Being a carer is not something any of us set out to do. My eldest is an adult and tbh he still needs lots of input as he is very impulsive. Autism. So I understand what you're saying OP. It's very worrying re pension status.

I gave up work to look after my DH when he was diagnosed with cancer, aged 50.
No choice really- before and after a lengthy stay as an in patient, he needed to go to a hospital 45 miles away three times a week. No public transport, even if he was able to use it, no hospital transport either. His active treatment lasted for two years.

It threw us into utter poverty. And yes, has had long term implications, health wise and financially, for us both.

I think the unpredictability is a massive stressor as well, really feel for you!

I think this is something that isn’t taken into account, how it’s not always just the actual physical caring but stuff like driving and admin. I do do actual care for my Mum but it’s all the other stuff of helping to run their household and navigate their healthcare needs. All the different services - things like OTs, SALT, let alone the different doctors and nurses in different departments.

Also I love you user name @FuzzyPuffling

Yes, life admin too. Obviously when DH was ill, he couldn't do anything, so i had to take over everything. More washing, extra cleaning ( keeping him infection free) organising his many meds (new dosages every week, and i had to learn to give injections) ..all the jobs he used to do, just added to the workload.
And the emergency stuff...calls to the hospital, 999 ambulances ( including Christmas Day), mopping up blood...

It's terrifying how much load we rake on, and how liitle help there us. In our case, none.

Huge sympathy to anyone going through the same.

Nothing much will change because I guess the vast majority of unpaid carers are female. And too many of society and government still think that women in families should do the unpaid caring.

Will only change when the caring is done at least equally by men.

Yes gave up my business 5 yrs ago as within a few months of father dying mother was diagnosed with vascular dementia. When she begged us not to put her into a home. She is in her house and I’m caring for her as a bed bound non verbal patient now. I run her house sort her medical issues and care
for her. I have a sibling who works full time and so I am the default daughter. I have two kids doing GCSE ‘s and my husband works away during the week. On the service I am Wonder Woman and I’m sick of people saying that! I may not work outside the home but if I did at least I’d get a day off. I am broken. I do not want this
life for my children. When I am old give me a hefty dose of something and let me go with dignity

It won’t change even then. Unpaid carers ( actually they do get a small payment from the government) save the government an absolute fortune.

so true.

and we often hear about a guy saying “no i wouldnt be allowed to reduce my hours at my job, i wouldnt be allowed, youll have to go part time to care for (mum/dad/kids etc) so the woman is expected to step up. somwtimes for HIS elderly parent!

so employers continue to protect men from the threat of having to do hard graft at home by refusing any requests (not many are even made i'd warrant) to reduce their hours on a building site or whatever.

the law needs to be changed

wirh the state pension age increasing we are just starting to hear about women workers struggling to care for elderly relatives. it will get worse as year on year more of us are put in this position. too old to care and work full time but not old enough to claim pensions.

its a shit show. and we are sleepwalking into it. in france they protested. government backed down. we just moan. nothing changes.

I gave up work about 13 years ago now to care for my son who has a physical disability. I tried to keep working, sharing appointments and sick days between us but we were both taking far too much time off and DH earned more than me so it made sense for me to leave. I get Carer’s Allowance and earn about £300 a month working from home a few hours a week. I'm in my late 40s, no pension and more or less completely reliant financially on DH (luckily he's a diamond although only earns enough to just about keep us going).

We have direct payments for 12 hours a week care but out of that can only find carers to cover 6 hours. No one wants to do minimal hours on a crap wage when they can earn a bit more working for an agency. The ones we have are extremely unreliable and DS won't let them do any personal care. I'm knackered - and that's with a DH who takes over as much as he can! I know a single mum who has 2 boys with the same condition as my son. I don't know how she's still standing!

I guess this is one of the unforseen consequences of women going back to the workplace/needing two incomes to run a household (not that im arguing for tradwifery!) - somebody always did do this carework and you cant have it both ways ie: women out earning AND shouldering all the care for free

Yes this! It was so subtle I can’t complain but had a male social care adjacent person tell my Dad off for doing manual handling of certain things for my Mum at his age, he should be resting. Now I thoroughly agree with this and this particular meeting was trying to sort out more help. But he was then looking at me pointedly whilst he was saying this to my Dad. Mate I don’t know what you expect me to do with that pesky child I’m also responsible for whilst I’m available 24/7 for Mum.

I do think some of these attitudes are because a lot of carers are women, but I think more insidiously men who step up are then almost lumped in with women as care is still seen as minor, unimportant, unskilled ‘women’s stuff’.

It’s a ticking time bomb.

Yep, absolutely.

in elderly couples there’s often one ill (cancer, dementia and the like) and the other caring.

my mum is 80 and all of her friends (unless the partner has already died) are like this.

increasingly as people get seriously ill others need to leave work - managing the appointments etc for someone with cancer is a full time job. My dad has cancer that came back three times before it killed him and my mum left her job and spent ten years doing the admin running the house and caring for him.

I was always the higher earner in our relationship. Not that that particularly matters, but it made the loss greater. Even with carers allowance ( limited time only) I lost well over 90% of my income, whilst expenses ( especially petrol/ hospital parking) quadrupled.

Edited to say this makes it sound like I was only bothered about money. Of course I wasn't. But it was a huge extra strain at a time I could have done without it.

I was "forcibly" retired due to DM's and DH's dementia. DM has since died. I have had to take my private pensions early just to survive. My financial future is far more bleak, as more than half of OUR savings have gone on paying for care. I've had to spend a fortune this year on necessary work to our house and it's all had to come from my remaining savings. DH has no savings left to contribute. I'm mentally, emotionally and financially devastated after more than a decade of dementia care.

Yes women have always done this and the societal expectation is that she now does both. Both my grandmothers had their own bedridden mothers living with them. This was before stair lifts, hoists etc. I've no idea how they managed. My own DM took on the bulk of caring for her parents, despite working FT. Her brother would swan in once a fortnight and be the best son in the world

From a money perspective it can make sense though as elderly often have property so 300k plus but that can be gone in years of care home fees. Whereas many now would not earn that 300k in the next 20y at work due to tax/costs etc.

I do get this point, but having had generation of carers in my family - I think what has changed now is the amount of intervention. This is obviously wonderful as allows people to live longer and better lives, but appointments need to be arranged, managed and then care recommendations actually done. For my Mum alone I reckon we’re dealing with at least 10 different bodies, bits of the hospital, etc etc. That is an underestimate now I’m thinking about it.

Combine this with increased life expectancy AND complex conditions like dementia and it’s a whole other level of work that has to be done by someone. Medical care has stormed ahead from what I can see and social care just hasn’t kept up with what that actually means.

I haven't worked for a long time. DS1 now 16 is autistic and has extreme ocd. Fortunately DH earns enough so that we're not in poverty but we're living frugally. Can't even commit to a pt job because DS has extreme anxiety and needs me to be there to wake him up and support him while getting ready to go to Send school. Some days he goes, some days he's not able to and Can't be left alone. I'm sick of it tbh. We get dla but that's all.

Also just wanted to offer support to everyone on this thread that I haven’t managed to reply specifically to - I have been called over to Mum and Dad’s ironically (and typically) so will come back later!

My sister in law said her granny had got through her 200k of savings in two years in a care home. There was still a 300k bungalow to sell between two children. Her mum did say she thought she'd be in a care home for a couple of months max, and if she'd known it'd be two years she'd have given up work to care for her, and claimed carers allowance etc. I know it sounds heartless but sometimes it pays better to care.

I stopped work when my severely autistic and learning disabled son left school as he needs 24/7 care. I was his carer for 12 years and it nearly broke me 😔 he's now in supported living after a crisis and stay in an Assessment & Treatment Unit and he's doing well. It's been the hardest year and the stress and anxiety is gradually lessening. I could now theoretically have a job again at 55 but I find that my confidence is so low, I'm not sure who would want to employ me! It's been so long since I worked in an office that I don't think I have the necessary skills when it comes to technology. I've thought about retail or care work but with menopause lack of sleep, back ache and dodgy knees, I'm not sure I'm physically up to the job! Again, I wonder if that's lack of confidence at play, even the thought of filling out applications is giving me anxiety!

When you've been a full time carer for a long time, you do feel slightly on the fringes of society - you can't socialise much, got on holiday, you rarely meet new people except all the professionals at meetings about your child's care 😏 it can be hard to get back into the swing of things.