1500 people a day leaving work to become carers

[Throwaway380]

Was grimly cheered to see this article on the Guardian this morning as within my social circle this does seem to be increasing and no one is talking about it.

I include myself in that number as I took a career break last Summer and am still not working, looking after my Mum and Dad as well as doing normal Mum of primary aged kid things for my DD. For me it was definitely the combo of kids and parents that meant I was about to have a breakdown.

But within my social circle I know of one other good friend who is also only able to do the most meagre bank shifts as she has three kids and a Mum that needs lots of support. Another friend both her and her partner are working very part time due to their autistic daughter.

For me, it was the ‘right decision’ in the sense I’m not struggling as much mentally. But it’s awful in terms of my pension, independence, long term career prospects. Social care is utterly broken in my opinion.

I was just wondering if there are other Mumsnetters out there who are in this position?

I cared for my mum who had Alzheimer’s. She was hugely independent right up until about 80, then came to rely on me more and more. There was absolutely no way I could have worked. I was either physically with her (cleaning, cooking, endless appointments, emergencies) or basically ‘on call’ all day every day, while trying to raise two children and provide support and care for my chronically ill DP. My mum died a couple of years ago and, rather than finding myself able to look for work, my youngest son developed severe OCD and eventually was unable to attend school. I look as though I have time on my hands, but I’m always ‘on’ and there are a multitude of appointments (he also has Crohn’s Disease) and we are trying to get him slowly back to school. A two hour teaching session in school wipes out my entire day as he needs to perform various rituals to make him feel safe. It is ten times harder than going to a job, doing that job, then coming home because it never, ever ends. I am mentally exhausted and have fantasised about running away. I think I deserve a big fat banker’s wage for what I do and for what I did for my mum previously, rather than receiving a joke pittance and being constantly judged into the bargain. It’s like being in prison as I have no freedom. I love my son and fully accept my role as his carer that goes beyond ‘normal’ parenting, but I hate how carers’ huge undertakings are minimised and somehow seen as ‘part of life’. My mum adamantly refused to go into a nursing home. Even when she was at the stage of thinking her sister was keeping her awake when she had work the next day (Mum was 88!), she still managed to sound like an absolute genius when expressing her desire to remain at home. If she had been in her right mind, she would have been mortified at the implications that had for me.

But it isn’t for v the cared/for person to make the decision, but the carer. The incredible selfishness of some of these elderly parents should not be indulged unless you get s perverse sense of satisfaction from martyrdom.

Even though my mum was unable to remember what I had said to her one minute earlier, she was able to correctly answer enough questions in a capacity test which ‘proved’ she had capacity. Social Services officially deemed her fit to make that decision for herself. It is extremely rude of you to basically accuse someone of martyrdom just because they are painted into a corner and have been identified by the social care system as someone who already contributes heavily to their elderly parent’s care. I suppose I could have thrown my hands up and refused, but she was my mum. I’m not a fucking martyr, just someone who found herself in a very difficult situation. If you don’t want to care for your parents, don’t provide any help at all. Ever. And don’t mark yourself out as a contact, or you may well find yourself in the same position as me. Personally, I couldn’t be that calculating and callous. Caring for an elderly parent can creep up on you. It isn’t always, or even often, a dramatic change that triggers care needs. There are a few things I would do differently if I was in the same situation, but it’s anything but straightforward.

I remember reading a book whilst my dc were tiny - in 1915 15% of babies didn’t survive until their first birthday. Sadly, a lot of children just didn’t survive in the past whereas now medical advances mean they survive.

It is a nightmare. At one point I had to point out to social services they were either going to have to provide care for my primary-aged dc or my elderly parent, because I couldn’t do both with a 2-3 hour journey between the two. Social services just expect the daughter to step in and were aghast when I refused. I have to stay in work, I have a mortgage to pay, and I am
nowhere near the age I could take a pension early.

I have refused to prop up the poor decisions made by the elderly parent. They could have planned ahead and moved closer to one of their dc but refused. They expect me to give up work and run around after them, but I can’t do that.

In the past there were fewer women working, and if they worked it was pin money type jobs rather than professional career paying a mortgage. Plus a lot of them in my family seemed to live in the same street, rather than hours away. I had to move away to find work and afford somewhere to live.

Plus women retired younger if they did work so were more available to look after elderly relatives.

And medical care has improved. Once people died of pneumonia or similar relatively quickly. Now there are decades of medical appointments and medicine.

@PurpleYarnivoreask your solicitor to address ‘child’ maintenance to continue when your child becomes an adult. The normal age restrictions of CM are not relevant when considering maintenance for an adult disabled child of the marriage.

Pension is a marital asset and 50% is the starting point. You are not being greedy

It’s setting up a time bomb for the future too. There are scores of, usually, women, who aren’t earning, building up a pension or the assets they might need to pay for their own care when the time comes.

I retired from teaching two years early to care for my now late husband.

At one point I was working full time and coping with the needs of three adults. Then Dad died, and I was coping with Mum living with us plus DH being even more disabled.

I was allowed to drop to a 4 day week, but was effectively working a compressed 5 day week for less money. (I still had exactly the same managerial responsibilities, most of my timetable for the 'day off' was moved onto my 4 days and I was organising and grading the work for the 'day off' plus picking up all the admin for it.)

I asked to go down to a 3 day week, but my HT refused. I am somewhat amused to know that I had 6 replacements in 6 years and that the school has now restructured, so my post no longer exists.

Thank you , I will do , I was under the impression child maintenance was only until age 20 at the most ( which is when my ex says he will pay it to) but she’s going to be living with me as her carer for longer then that .
I offered half and half pension pot ( it’s nearly all his ) and told him as a full time carer with no earning potential I could get more than half but he’s still not going for it .