Ds father wants them over Xmas now his mum has passed.

[Halfandhalf26]

I know I'm being a bitch and ds father has every right to have the kids other Xmas and it should be taken in turns. But i have had them every year for 11 years. All the time his mum was alive he didn't want them. Now his mum is no.longer here he suddenly wants them at xmas. I don't have a problem with them being there I just feel a bit pissed off that they are suddenly wanted on Xmas day since his mum died. Why not when she was alive.

We don't always have Christmas on Christmas day so in general it doesn't make a difference to me.

Does it matter, if they want to go, let them.

No it doesn't. i said it wasn't a problem in my op..it just pissed me of that he wasn't interested in having them over xmas when his mum was alive. I haven't asked them if they want to fo I wasn't planning on asking.

How old are they?

Did his mother not like them or something?

I’d be miffed as well, he’s changing the status quo presumably with no warning that this would be the case when his mother died

10 and 11.

We never really spoke about it just always said I will collect the boys on boxing day. So there was always a possibility of change. Its more all the time this mum was alive he didn't. She liked them as far as i know. The kids never said anything to indicate anything to say she may not. I guess it could have been their dad. Rather than his mum.

Is it possible that he felt he had to be with his mum over Christmas and because of her age/health/abilities didn't think he'd be able to give both his mum and the kids a Christmas they would really enjoy?

I can understand being annoyed when he didn't want them but why are you annoyed now that he does? Maybe losing his mum has made him realise that time is short. Maybe he has been thinking more about parent/child relationships. Maybe he now realises how precious that bond is and how he hasn't done enough in the past. Surely it's a good thing that he wants the time with them.

That would have been 8 years in a row though and the rest of the family were there including children. Also he didn't give a Christmas to his mum. His mum and sister always did everything.

I would be slightly concerned he might be using them as emotional support animals, even if only subconsciously. Only you would be able to judge that though.

What do the children want to do?

At their age it should be THEIR choice where they spend Christmas Day - it could be really unsettling for them now having been used to spending it at ‘home’ with you, so I would take their lead.

I think its the pattern. His mum is there kids don't spend Xmas with their dad. Mum dies suddenly they can. It feels like they weren't welcome.

Guess I'm just being petty. They are going anyway and it doesn't make any difference to me.

It's up to your kids - they're old enough to decide what they'd like to do. I'd also say if your ex doesn't look after your kids half the time, he doesn't get to choose to have them on all the fun holidays and not on a wet weekend in February.

I don't want to cause conflict or bad feeling. They have never been there over Xmas and they may enjoy it. It will be every other year.so a big gap they may only go a couple of times. They will be hitting 14 and will more likely say exactly what they want. Weather its with me or their dad. If they come back stressed and unhappy that would be different. But i doubt that would happen.

Oh he does have them every other weekend. Unless xmas fell on his weekend. But he does do the Disney dad role very well.

Did your children see their grandmother at other times? Did they see her when they got collected on Boxing Day?

Do they have a relationship with their cousins?

Have they shown any signs of being upset about her death?

Most mums would have been delighted to have their children every single Xmas instead of taking turn and being alone every 2 years.

It's an odd thing to resent having had that luxury for 10 years.

In two years he will remarry and forget he ever had grandkids

Mark my words

Ages might come into play… he could have beers and relax and not look after young kids. Also gets to play dutiful son, getting his mum a drink when all hard work was done. Didn’t have to look after young kids who would actually need him. Now they are self sufficient mostly, he can play Disney dad for extended family.

Basically he gets lots of plaudits… wasn’t he a good son looking after his mum, always smiling on couch with a beer. Now he’s got his kids and doing the same… well done him!!! Realistically he’s done SFA other than turn up and eat dinner

Yeah she used to see them every other weekend as their dad lived with his mum. They were always kind to the kids nothing stuck out to imply she didn't want them there. There is a bit on a difference now though
In that when his mum was there they would be out of the house most of the day. But since she died the don't go out as much.

Yes they do see their nephews some younger some older but yes. Cousins wise they they are all mid 20s

They were upset about it in away common at their age. But she died November last year he didn't have them that year because it was so close and still raw.

🤔 hes their dad not grandad. But as their dad he wouldn't do that.

I’m assuming your ex liked to be looked after by his mum at Christmas and not have to do any parenting.

Maybe now she’s passed away he’s feeling reflective and it’s suddenly dawned on him that Christmas might be an important time of year to spend with your children!

I think the children are old enough to be given a choice personally.