When should new partners be told about long term health conditions?

[WoodyBuzzSlinky]

I have a few friends who are single in their 50s after having been married and having children. They are now looking for new partners and perhaps not looking to get into anything too serious straight away.
The question I have for you is when/whether you think they should tell their new partners about long term health conditions. I won’t say exactly what but let’s say there is a scale from high blood pressure, dodgy knees up to bipolar and a genetic condition meaning the person will end up in a wheelchair. All but the last one are well controlled with treatment but obviously the genetic condition cannot be avoided.
So if you were starting a new relationship at what point would you feel your partner should tell you about this sort of thing?

Interesting. 18 months ago I began a relationship with a 61year old. I'm 55. Failed to reveal they were type 2 diabetic ... and had associated mental health issues which caused me to end it. Had he been honest from the outset, it would have been better but of course I would have ended it sooner!

So what level of illness would you have been ok with?

It depends on how quickly the relationship is progressing but somewhere in the sweet spot between 'just getting to know you and see if we click' to 'this is about to become a relationship'. I think early, to be fair to both.

As the person being told of the condition of someone else, I'd want to know the likely course of the condition, how it would impact me (will they need me to care for them fully or just minor support), my own age and infirmities, etc. There really is no rule book, but I'd know if something wasn't going to be right.

Someone else I know had a significant issue. They chose to wait about three dates before they told someone.

I think on the third date and be prepared for them to end it, as I would if someone I was dating told me they had bipolar.

Possibly needing to use a wheelchair in the future is the worst thing you could imagine a partner doing?

This seems about right

I realise it’s hard to disclose information that is private but you can’t really go Forward in a relationship without disclosing the stuff that the OP listed

I think the relevance is maybe that it's a genetic condition. If someone is looking to have children, that may be something they don't want to risk passing on.

I like to go hiking and would want to do that with a future partner. A wheelchair doesn't really lend itself well to rock scrambling and things. However, that wouldn't necessarily make it a deal breaker for me. If we share a lot of other interests, I can find an alternative hiking buddy and enjoy other things with the person in a wheelchair. If my now DH had an accident and ended up in a wheelchair, then we'd just adapt. It wouldn't hurt the relationship or whether I'd be with him at all. For some people, they might not choose that from the outset.

What matters really is that your lives mesh in the relationship.

Hard question.
My theory os how and will it be much impact on the other person or only gossip ad judgement.
Personally I wouldnt rush as usually people dont want to take on others problems...or some have no issues at all so makes it hard to judge.

I have high blood pressure and wouldn’t feel the need to announce it. It would probably come up if we were staying overnight and they saw me taking medication I guess?

Yeah, actually I said that wrong

High blood pressure and dodgy knee I think people are fine with

It was the other two I was thinking need to be said

I’m literally attached 24/7 to a small machine that keeps me alive… I’d tell them from the start

Although if you wait too long, the other person might feel you've withheld something important and been denied the choice, or feel deceived. It's tricky ground.

My DP has a genetic condition that is slowly taking away his ability to walk and wheelchair use is in the near future - before we started this relationship, he'd had a couple of dates but women appeared to be put off by his physical ability in person even when he'd apparently mentioned it online prior to meeting so they either ghosted him or feeble excused him. Big stuff like this needs to be mentioned date 1 or prior. We didn't meet online so his gait was obvious to me from the off.

I met someone who had severe mental health issues .but met him at a time when.things were stable. The good times were wonderful. I was not prepared for the bad times. If I had known in advance, I would not have started a relationship.

If the dodgy knees are at the level of, "I'm fine going for a walk in the park, but am not up to a hike up Scafell", I don't think any kind of "big reveal" is needed. That feels like the kind of thing that will naturally crop up in conversation, eg "Do you do any sports?" "Not really these days. My knees are a bit dodgy, so I have to be a bit careful about what exercise I do."

I think a wheelchair user who can perform independent transfers and can manage self care on their own is a very different situation to some who needed a hoist etc. I think it’s a fairly complex for someone to explain to a new partner.

I would definitely think disclosure before your new partner is making decisions on the basis of your relationship such as plans for the future, holidays etc. But also ongoing conversations about the situation because like the wheelchair above there is a huge range of impacts.

Funny when reading the first few posts I did think about hypertension being a contributing factor to erectile dysfunction and wanting to know about that in a man.However this week I have been told I have hypertension myself and hadn’t considered that it would be I would need to disclose immediately so quite a topic to ponder. (Single, not seeking a partner).

Ha, a bit weird to make high blood pressure thing you have to mention to a new date. In your 50s, it is not unusual to have fucked knees or high blood pressure.
There could be hundreds of maladies you feel you need to mention to someone you are getting to know.
In terms of things like bipolar, I do know people with it, and they fall between a spectrum of it being well managed and they live a normal life, and those who end up in hospital a lot.

By our 50s, I think we all have a few conditions. High blood pressure and dodgy knees probably don't need to be discussed straight away. Any mental illness like bipolar or BPD should be brought up sooner rather than later as it can detrimentally affect a relationship big time.

My last partner was amazing in a lot of ways, I adored him but his mental health ripped our relationship to shreds and I would have been hesitant in the beginning if I had known what was in store.

I wouldn't see high blood pressure that is well controlled by medication as something that needs to be actively mentioned early on. I think as long as you don't deliberately conceal it, that's enough. As a PP has said, once you're in your fifties, you don't assume that everyone your age is going to be in perfect health.

If it is something that is likely to have an obvious impact on the relationship then it should be revealed before things get too serious. Some people will not handle mental illness or future caring responsibilities well, and it’s much better for everyone to know that early on. That said, no one should feel obliged to share private medical information with every random person they date. It depends how fast things are moving, but I would say once it’s heading towards the sense that you might become a serious, exclusive couple you need to mention it.

Some people will argue that you should tell before any feelings develop, but I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect people to share very private information with someone they don’t even know they have serious feelings for. We’re all grown ups and can deal with moving on early in a relationship if that’s what we decide we need to do.

I think it depends what it is. Diabetes, you might mention if they suggest a date at a sweet factory, but generally I wouldn't at the outset. But I met a very wonderful man on OLD, and he had to tell me he's blind, because it limits him a bit in that he can't drive and there are some activities he can't do. But he said he'd chatted to some others online, and some weren't prepared to meet at all because of it. Their loss.

I've also had a couple of men who mentioned their medication at the point we were in bed, as it affected their erectile function, and I'd have preferred to know that before, because they wouldn't have been getting a shag if I'd known (and it's obviously why they hadn't mentioned it.) It's one thing for a long term partner to end up with issues, but I don't want to start a relationship with it, and there are a fair few men in their 60s and 60s that suffer (certainly not all though!)

So if it affects you now, you probably need to mention it out of necessity, especially if it affects accessibility and where and how you meet. If it is likely to affect you in the future, then maybe third date? I've had several dates that only lasted one date, a couple i gave a bit more chance for a second date, but they're only likely to get a third date if I see some potential.

Stuff like high blood pressure or cholesterol, that will be more and more people as you get older, and I wouldn't mention it until it's when you stay over and have to take your daily meds. If it's medicated and you keep active, it probably wonderful an issue.

Well before they are actually partners in any way that has meaning.

High blood pressure and dodgy knees are just aging. They can happen to anyone at any time. Really you get to an age where everyone has a collection of those minor ailments.

My condition is restrictive on what I can do and if a relationship progressed it would definitely impact a partner. I would have to disclose the reality of that impact very early. There would be partial disclosure immediately anyway because it’s not something I can really keep secret.

Interesting to read everybody’s thoughts, I mentioned it being a question in 50s as the issue of whether to start a family is not an issue.
I didn’t pick any particular illnesses for any reason, was just trying to demonstrate a scale. So I know dodgy knees are not uncommon but also there are some very fit active 70 year olds who still want to get out and about with their partners.
So as a follow up question, if someone has a family history of a genetic condition and does not yet know if they have it, should they tell their partner. Alternatively is it ok for them to wait and see if they have it (in several months) with the attitude they could get the all clear.

It would seem like something you'd share with someone you're in any kind of relationship with as something happening in your life. It may also give them a heads up that you're undergoing genetic testing. This may give them a chance to learn about the condition and what, if anything, it would mean for them and your relationship.

So I’m going to reverse this now, if you know a friend hasn’t told their partner of 6 months something significant about their health, would you keep quiet? You met their partner when they started dating seriously but have spent lots of time together and grown to be good friends.