How long did it take you to settle after moving abroad?

[ChefsKisser]

I’d really like advice from people have moved abroad and started over.
we have just moved away with our 2 kids DD10 and DS7. It’s definitely a good move long term for DHs job and they all seem to be settling well.
im struggling. It’s only been 10 days so I know im being unreasonable but I feel so lonely. I miss my friends I had loads back home and would always be busy. I’m struggling to meet people here as school is drop and go and I’m not working just yet. DH is. Obviously I’m looking for work now but it might take a while.
really I’m just looking for some positive stories from people who have moved and how long it takes to settle.
thanks!

I’d say it can take 6-12 months. It doesn’t take me long but I move around a lot. I’m sure you’ll feel better once your kids are settled and you’ve made some friends. Get out there and try and meet people.

It is tough to start with - finding your feet in a different country with different systems and finding friends, but I’d say don’t put too much pressure on yourself to feel settled - it’ll happen, but not immediately.
Some advice I was given when we first moved was to say yes to every invitation. I took that advice and it helped. You won’t necessarily find your people in the first few weeks, but slowly it’ll happen and your social circle will grow.
It’s only been 10 days and believe me, I understand how you’re feeling. I moved to the other side of the world with a 5,3 and 1 year old. DH was working, so out of the house all day every day and I was home with the girls and no friends and no car. I think that first few weeks were the loneliest of my life. It was only when the eldest started school 2 months later that I eventually had people to talk to. It probably took a year to feel like I had a network I felt reasonably close to. We went back to the UK after that year for a holiday and I think that if someone said I could stay, I probably would have. However, when we came back here, I immediately felt more settled and after two years I knew I didn’t want to go back and this was home.
In some ways it’s easier now - there are so many social catch up groups on FB, or just google, so have a look there and see if any take your fancy. It’s good to have ‘local’ friends, but it’s also really nice to have people who understand your feelings and what you’re going through - it definitely makes you feel less alone and more ‘normal’.
Good luck. I’m sure you’ll get there, but it takes time 💐

18 years! Some days nothing feels right, then you get days like this, days where I can tell you to trust your gut, your Momma jas this nuclear shield.

It doesn't get any easier, we just learn to trust our kids because we taught them well. We simply trust their eveyday adults.

Hi op. It took me three months. And advice from other expats was 6 months. But the settling comes gradually.

For me it was little things like knowing my way around the locality. Where was the dry cleaners and doctors. Could anyone recommend a good hairdresser etc.

I took DC to the park religiously and met other mums there. Then school obvs. I also joined the PTA. This is not my thing generally but it was brilliant. Suddenly I had people I saw regularly and got invited to things etc.

Good luck. Have a cry in private then face on and head out to meet people xxxxxxx

A couple of years, probably. Certainly ten days is classic panicking ‘What have I done?’ territory. It will pass, OP.

Generally it takes months but for some it can take longer. I honestly can't remember how long it took for me as I only intended to move temporarily, for my Erasmus year, so I never tried to settle in that first year and just enjoyed it as an experience but then when the year was over I didn't want to go home. I don't think I was settled then but I never noticed when I did settle.

Definitely try and find a job, that's the best way to integrate yourself and help you settle. Until you find one, look for hobby groups or evening classes (definitely join a language class if you don't speak the language) to meet people.

What really helped me to settle was when we started doing things to the house so it started to actually felt likes ours, and when we had family come to visit. I depends on how different the new country is from your old country, whether they speak the same language etc…

Agree with others, it can take years (or at least one, anyhow).

When I moved to the UK I almost immediately started work as a contractor in a place away for home 'home' being my rented room at the time). This meant that I was staying in a hotel 4 nights a week, which didn't help me settle at all - it just felt like I was on a permanent weird holiday!

You need to give it time, it's a gradual process. Do you work? That's the easiest way to make friends and start to settle down.

It took me about 3-4 months. But I was only 18 years old at the time. So it would definitely take me longer now at age 50+ 🙃

It was a long time ago but I’m pretty sure it took me a year to fully feel at home. BUT you have kids which I didn’t, so i would suggest playdates, get to some hobby groups, get involved with the school etc. All that will help.

2 years and near fluency in the language. I've done it a lot of times. I'm settled in that I know where the shops are, have the house working, sports club member and someone to go for coffee within 6 weeks (from practice!). I normally then feel awful about 6 months because the novelty wears off without having any roots. After 2 years I've normally found some real friends and really have some roots. As a PP said, you need to say yes and join everything. All successful expats do so no one minds if you invite yourself. Don't put too much emotion into friendships though. Moving can be a bit of a traumatic exercise which you share giving the impression of having something in common, but often friendships are very shallow. It's a bit of an expat thing to have 0-60 friendships, which is fine and fills a gap. They're likely to show up for you if you need help because they're as lonely as you are, but they're also likely to leave next week.

About six months, but I think I had it a lot easier as my husband already owned the property so we had already stayed in it quite a few times, so the neighbours etc weren’t strangers.

We’ve now been here three years, well the kids and my husband have, I have another three weeks I think. So it still hasn’t been long really, but its very much home now.

My sister took four years to be reconciled with the most difficult move they did, in day to day living. Easier moves a few weeks. But is still planning to return to UK to retire, when that is an option.

Not all places to live are going to feel like ‘home’ but they can still be interesting and enjoyable while you are living there: Make the most of everything going on where you are. Do all the local things to do. Keep up your UK friendships that matter to you too, in case this isn’t a forever move.

Three years, I reckon. I still can't decide whether having the pandemic in there helped or hindered, though!

Oh gosh haha I think I’ve jumped the gun a bit then. The thought of feeling unsettled for so long is hard though. It’s a lot harder than I thought it would be to be honest. I have moments of real excitement and then real homesickness and loneliness. The thought of everyone going on with those easy comfortable routines and im ‘left out’ is hard!

Is this a move you were fully on board with? Have you never moved before, ev3n within your home country?

About 5 years. Closer to ten years to build actual deep friendships.

Moving countries is not easy. Easier if it’s just for a limited time and it’s considered a big adventure. Much harder if it’s a long term move and you want to put roots down.

Yes fully onboard and have moved across country (but UK so only 3 hours away!) never abroad before.

@ChefsKisser Oh gracious OP. Ten days is nothing. You are in the throes of an enormous wrench in life. I'd say it can take up to a year to start to find your feet, but everyone is different. I went to live in Italy when my son was small and even though I speak the language and have Italian relatives, I still felt like a fish out of water some of the time. Go easy on yourself. Embrace what is good in your new life (great food, warmer weather, trains that run on time - or whatever!) and take it from there.

I moved country 3 times (but before kids). And every time I felt like I'd made a HUGE mistake. It does get better! But you have to actively work for it and look for people (low hanging fruit - people in a similar situation, e.g. expats). I agree with other comments, it takes about 6 months give or take.

In the end I didn't want to leave and desperately tried to stay in each of those countries!

Six months. When we moved to China (which was not our first overseas move) I think we spent the first two months thinking- what the fuck have we done!

Feeling completely settled can take months, but it's a gradual process. I don't think (hope!) you'll feel this unsettled for that long.

In my experience, it took 2-3 weeks for me to sort the basics (phone number, bank account, GP, etc). Once those were done, I felt calmer. After the first month or so, I knew my neighbours a little, had a favourite supermarket, had joined a gym, etc. I had more routine and less brand new things every day, and would say I felt relatively settled.

Making friends and having a fully fleshed-out live did take longer.

I've done it twice. I'd say anywhere between one and two years to be sure, and it's not a linear process. Some days I felt like I was settling, and a week later I'd have a cultural clash, or not know something, or just be homesick, and feel totally adrift again.

I also think that where you live within a country matters. I spent a couple of years in a city in the US which just did not fit my lifestyle at all, and was sure I was leaving the country as soon as my contract ended. But then I moved elsewhere - after a lot more careful research and advice from others - and felt at home within weeks.

I moved to Canada 15 years ago with my husband, no kids. We emigrated- i.e. we took everything, including two dogs, with us, with the mindset that it was forever. It took us a good 2-3 years to really feel settled, mainly because one then the other of us had trouble getting decent work at first. Then we had a couple of babies and that really settled us! There are lots of Brits here, and although we know a lot of them, they are not particularly friends - our good friends here are Canadians. I mention this because there can be a tendency to stick to fellow countrymen, but I think it does kind of prevent integration.

Stick with it OP - hopefully you'll start to feel more at home very quickly. Ten days in is still really, really new. Good luck with it all.