How long did it take you to settle after moving abroad?

[ChefsKisser]

I’d really like advice from people have moved abroad and started over.
we have just moved away with our 2 kids DD10 and DS7. It’s definitely a good move long term for DHs job and they all seem to be settling well.
im struggling. It’s only been 10 days so I know im being unreasonable but I feel so lonely. I miss my friends I had loads back home and would always be busy. I’m struggling to meet people here as school is drop and go and I’m not working just yet. DH is. Obviously I’m looking for work now but it might take a while.
really I’m just looking for some positive stories from people who have moved and how long it takes to settle.
thanks!

Studies say to feel truly settled it can be 7 years.

10 days is like holiday time - complete overreaction.

I don’t know after 20+ year if I feel completely settled. Culturally I will always feel and sound very different.

Moving without thinking this through was a bit naive OP. It will be months before you even get the hang of things. I suggest you join online groups of Brits in Xx for example. It does help.

I think it might depend quite a bit on whether there is a significant cultural and language difference in the new country. I moved with two pre-school kids to Australia over ten years ago. As my husband is from there originally we ready had his family which also made a difference. I was able to ‘borrow’ some of my sister in law’s friends which helped when I knew no-one but I mainly made friends through kinder, school, volunteering, and work. Some of my closest friends are people I met in the first three months of arriving, so I have been really lucky. The huge distance from the UK continues to be the most unsettling thing for me. When we first arrived I took a year off working and swapped numbers with any friendly faces. I found I made a lot of friends and felt quite settled and happy but there was a parallel feeling of being disoriented and sad. It was a strong feeling for a couple of years and I still get really homesick sometimes. Overall I’m really happy though and I wouldn’t change anything. We’ve been pretty lucky that my parents have been able to visit us a lot but now they are older I worry a lot about being far away. I have missed seeing my brother and watching his children grow up. I visit home every 3 years approximately. Good luck x

Two other things to add to my earlier post.

Even after all this time I still have a weird temporary/holiday feeling. Which has some good things about it but I think I feel a bit in limbo sometimes, despite how settled I am (own a house, have had worked for different companies etc).

one of the most helpful things was when my MIL said to me, after we returned from a visit to UK, that it was ok to feel like I had two homes. I realised I hadn’t given myself permission to feel that. I was a bit defensive at the time but it made such a difference. At 10 days though, you’re still exploring. I hope you can enjoy the adventure. It really is an amazing thing and I love the benefits it has brought to my children.

It’s just incredibly naive to think you’d be feeling anything like ‘settled’ after ten days. I’ve lived longterm in five countries on three continents. Twice, after approximately two years I decided I didn’t want to stay longer, and we moved back to our home country after over 25 years in one.

Very good advice about the ‘expat’ friends thing. It’s very easy to fall in with people who speak the same language and understand where you’re coming from. But, you can end up living in a bubble and not truly integrating into the local society.

10 days is less than the length of many holidays. As others have said it can take years to properly feel at home. I think it took me two years.

You havent said where you are living, but realistically even if you had just moved within the UK after only ten days you might be thinking the same. If you are in a location or community which is very transient then it will be very different to if you are somewhere with just your family, plus locals who were born there. There are pros and cons to each - ex pat communities are VERY welcoming as it is a constantly revolving door of people who have at one point been in the same position as you. The downside is that you can easily end up in a Stepford Wives scenario doing never ending book clubs and brunches, which can be difficult if you had a career and identity outside of being Xs wife or Ys mum in the UK.

In answer to your question, I would say it takes 6 months to a year to feel "at home" but as someone else said, you are allowed to have multiple "homes" ... even in the UK, I call where I grew up "home" as well as where we lived in London. Then I also (in time) talk about "home" in a day to day sense as being the country where I currently live ... as do most of my other friends here. Do your kids have whats app groups or equivalent for their school grades? Or is there one for where you live (if you are in an apartment block or compound) ... our schools have usually had a lot of "new parent" sessions which I used as a way to meet people, or if there isnt anything official then you may need to stick your neck out more and say "I will be at the school gates after drop off - join me for a coffee" ... or also, what about your husband's colleagues? Do they have families? For example, where we are now, we were invited to my husbands colleagues house for dinner when we were on our recce trip, and we have also hosted in similar scenarios. And again, say yes to everything you are invited to for the next few months (unless you have a valid reason!) as even if you are not interested in knitting/dancing/bowling/cards, you dont know who you might meet when you are there - my "best" friends here come from an international cards group and range from women in their early 20s to those in their late 60s - I wouldnt have anything close to that in the UK, particulary as I dont really like playing cards!

I moved abroad but pre-children. I’d say it took me a good 6 months before I even started to settle and maybe a year to really feel like it was home. I knew it was a forever move, but it still felt very disorienting. It’s been 15 years now and this is very much my home and I’d never want to live anywhere else.

15 years in the UK and not feeling settled yet. Don’t think I ever will.

There is a curve for this. I’d say it takes 6-12 months to initially settle. Definitely give it a year.

Then there are points at which it dips again, 2 years, 6 years from memory.

I’ve lived abroad and moved around a lot.
It isn’t easy to simply pick up and start again somewhere so be kind to yourself. You have to be active about putting yourself “out there” to try and meet some people, and you also have to be resourceful enough to do things and enjoy them alone.

If your kids are like my kids, it will be about 5 years before they finally stop reverting to talking about their old home whenever something upsets them, although it may only happen 2-3 times a year after the first couple of years. This was much harder than we’d anticipated.