REALLY struggling emotionally with my son's start at school in Wales

[YourVagesty]

Hey folks,

I'm really struggling with my son starting school and I just need a handhold (please).

He started last week (we are in Wales) so this is his second week and it's just not getting any better for me. I either cry or feel like crying most days.

As a bit of context, he was very ill when he was born and spent the first few months of his life in Birmingham Children's Hospital. For the first year of his life, I was constantly on edge that he'd be taken back into hospital, or even die (they gave me therapy for PTSD but it didn't really work). I've always been overprotective of him because of this.

He's done a couple of days at nursery for the past year but struggled to make friends. He liked playing with all of the toys but he was never part of the bigger group of kids in pictures, he didn't join in with games and was always by himself. I was tempted to pull him out of nursery but it's good training for school so I persevered.

Now he's in school and he tells me nothing about his day - every time I ask him a question, he just says 'don't know'.

I'm just so sad and I want to take him away from it all. I am being outwardly very sunny and positive to him about school but I just think he will struggle. He is naive and lacks the social skills that I already see his peers possess. I feel like in his eyes, I'm putting him through this and I just want to bring him home

Anyway, nobody can help, I know, but I'm just getting it off my chest. 😭

He is naive and lacks the social skills that I already see his peers possess. I feel like in his eyes, I'm putting him through this and I just want to bring him home
Without being unkind OP, it's very possible that this IS the result of you overprotecting him and not spending enough time with children his age.

He is now maybe a bit behind but he is so young, he can quickly catch up learning how to socialise and make good friends.

Yet you think taking him away is the solution? Making it even more difficult for him to be comfortable around other children and then adults?

At which point do you release him in society? When he has no social skills at all, hates other people and is too scared to leave the house?

You've suffered trauma and it must be hard, but don't inflict your trauma on to him. It's selfish and is the exact opposite action of what a good parent should do.

Don't keep asking him questions about school. I hated it when my mum did that. He's totally overwhelmed with a huge amount of new information, people, places, things to do and other children, and really wouldn't know where to start. That's why he's saying 'I don't know'.
The best time is when he's snuggled down in bed, and he might talk about his day then. But don't push it, just let it happen.

Your reaction is not normal, you must realise that.

He's only just started, almost certainly he will be absolutely fine, he just needs to find his feet. His social skills will develop the more time he spends with other children.

"Don't inflict your trauma on to him. It's selfish and is the exact opposite action of what a good parent should do."

Did you miss the bit where I said I'm being outwardly sunny and positive? I'm making it sound great to him. It's just that I feel like I'm falling apart. I don't know what to do with my sadness and I feel so lost. I feel like taking him out of school, but I won't, like I didn't with nursery.

I came here for support. Not people telling me I'm selfish.

I agree with this - poor boy needs to be with children his own age. He will no doubt become more outgoing and make friends.

Regarding the ‘don’t know’ about his day, my DS is 10, sociable and bright. He still says that when he comes home. I think he can’t be bothered talking about something he has just left.

I really sympathise OP. You have had a lot to deal with in his short life and letting go when they start school can be hard for the toughest of us. You are doing brilliantly by recognising this is your issue and keeping it light and sunny for him. As others have said, don’t keep asking for updates, just encourage a little talking about anything and everything at bedtime. Maybe share a little story of something that happened to you in your day, or just share some ideas for the weekend. He’ll follow in his own time. And please feel free to come back here. You don’t have to take anything that is said here to heart if it’s not helpful. Just look for the things that are helpful and ignore the rest. Good luck.

How does your son feel about school?
Is he happy to go?
Have his teachers said how he is managing?

My son is 17 now. Like your boy he spent the first few months of his life in ICU.

He really did not cope at infant school at all. All he did was cry and wander around the room. I knew he was desperately unhappy and taking him to school made me feel sick.

He has a summer birthday so I did seriously consider just pulling him out. However, I knew that if I took him out it would be even harder for him to return. I know that I am not capable of home schooling a child, and giving them the education they deserve. So, I kept taking him. His infant school was kind and nurturing. He received huge amounts of extra help. By day 2 his teacher had started implementing ways to make things better. Within 4 weeks his teacher was asking for outside assistance.

Things did slowly get better. He has always found school difficult. Some school years were better than others. He had some amazing teachers who really liked and understood him. I do not regret persevering with school as I think it was better than the alternative for my son.

If I could go back in time I would communicate more with school. I would advocate more for my son.

It's normal for them to tell you nothing about school. They're tired at the end of the day and really just can't be bothered to talk about it. You'll have to get used to this growing independence.
I think you're aware that most of this is about your anxiety. Nowhere do you say that he is unhappy at school. He's settling in and will find his little tribe of friends, and in so doing, he'll develop the skills you think he lacks at the moment. While he's doing that, where's your tribe? Find them, do more therapy to address your trauma and let him become his own person, as we all must. That way, you can both flourish.

My 3 boys always answered " don't know" when asked about school so I think that's pretty normal! One of mine was always more solitary than the others so I'm sure your son will settle and find his place.

It's completely understandable that you want to protect your precious child from all the hurt in the world especially after his medical history. But as parents , our job is to bring them up so they become independent- well done on sending him to school despite your anguish. But, from my experience ,it's exhausting being bright and positive on the outside when internally you feel so sad. So I'd urge you, for your sake, to seek help.Could you speak to your GP or maybe try counselling again? Look after yourself please.

Hi OP - sympathies, my son was seriously unwell towards the end of his first year of life and it had a huge impact on me (he is 6 now). There are days where I would happily stay home and just hug him and protect him from the world. But like you I know that's not the answer.

As pp have said it's very normal for kids to say 'don't know' when asked what they did at school. Seriously most of them do it at that age, especially if you ask straight after they've come out of school. Mine are both a little bit more receptive if its closer to bedtime, and if you ask closed questions like 'did you do x or y' rather than open ones like "what did you do today?"

It's such early days in your son's school journey - you are doing all the right things, just persevere. Check in with the teacher in another week or two and see how things are going.

Both my kids have had medical complications, including hospital stays, and one has SEN. Therapy for ptsd/ongoing issues isn’t a one and done. You need to get back into it.

Yes, it’s also very normal for them to say “nothing” when you asked them what they did after a packed day of fun and learning. And to say they “can’t remember” what they had for lunch. Normal.

Hi OP, I'm sure that you are doing your best to appear sunny and happy, but you do sound anxious and he may pick up on that. As for asking about his day, kids notoriously don't say much but there are ways of structuring the conversation to get info and to help him to open up to you. You could ask about lunchtime - again, not a barrage of questions but something he might relate to - 'I loved/hated school dinners when I was your age....we had....it was yuk/great...what's it like here or my favourite teacher was...because.... do you have a favourite yet? Maybe suggest a playdate, ask who he might want to invite over, which gives him the opportunity to tell you about his friends/his classmates, which will give you the information to have more productive conversations about his day. Having said that, your reaction does sound extreme, you would probably benefit from support for your anxiety and low mood.

What social skills do you think he's lacking? Most things can be addressed. If you tell us what your specific concerns are, we might be able to suggest ways to improve them.

Maybe share a little story of something that happened to you in your day, or just share some ideas for the weekend. He’ll follow in his own time. And please feel free to come back here. You don’t have to take anything that is said here to heart if it’s not helpful. Just look for the things that are helpful and ignore the rest.

Thanks @HobgoblinNorFoulFiend this was genuinely useful. I will try this when I pick him up later, I'll just tell him about my own day and see what happens.

I'm just so anxious about everything - little steps like these seem obvious but in my mental state, they're not really. I'm just wanting to know what his day has been like, whether it's been happy or sad etc. Thanks for the advice 🙏🏻

I don't know really. Today is only his fourth day and although he is happy to go (which is a good sign), I don't know how he's feeling about it because he won't talk about it. I will talk to his teacher to find out how it's been going.

Thanks so much for sharing your story, I appreciated reading about the difficulties you've been through, and how you wrestled with things. It's heartening to see that you don't regret sending him but that you wished you'd advocated for him more - I'm taking both of those things on board. I hope your son is doing well now?

100% definitely. I'm so aware this is mostly me so I don't want to deny him any opportunities to grow and evolve on the basis of that.

I need to keep reminding myself of that because he hasn't said anything negative so far. But nothing positive either 🙃 I'll try to relax about it and see how things develop but I know i'm worst-case-scenario-ing on his behalf.

And as for my tribe, I don't have one at the moment. I live in the middle of nowhere and my car is broken so that's adding to the mix. I also have a baby so I'm stuck with her routine and I'm on Mat leave. I need to get in touch with my friends I think. Everything is getting on top of me.

Thank you, particularly for that last sentence. I'm not looking after myself and that isn't helping. I will seek some help in some form because you're right, it is exhausting trying to keep everything moving forwards positively when I'm feeling the opposite.

I know it's hard - hang in there. The only way to develop social skills, and indeed any kind of resilience, is for kids to go through it and come out the other side. It's the hardest thing in the world to watch your DC struggle, no matter what age and stage they are

Just on the "don't know" answer - my DSs have always been exactly like this and I think it's quite common. If I say "what did you do today" they say "nothing" even when I know for a fact they did loads!! I think it's just that the question is too open and they almost get overwhelmed with what to say.

Now I tell them about my day first and that lets them comment on what I did, which starts the conversation off. Or I ask very specific questions - what did you have for lunch? did anyone make you laugh today? Did you see the teacher with the dog and pet the dog? did you play inside or outside at break? etc

Thank you 🙏🏻 It's tough because all of my instincts are saying just that - to keep him wrapped up and protected from the world. But I know that isn't the kindest thing in the long term. It's so difficult when you've been in such dark places through their lives.

I hope your son is okay now 💐

I do, I'm feeling it at the moment. I'm very unhealed.

That's a good way of reframing it. A packed day of fun and learning - I'll remind myself of that instead of imagining that he's been sad all day. Stupid brain thinking of the worst things possible.

I found a really good way of finding out about my dds day at school was encouraging her to play schools with her dolls/teddies/action figures...it's like she would re enact a lot of what happened. Just an idea. It's pretty normal that they don't tell you much though.

I really struggled with my last DC when they started school, she is a quiet soul even as a now adult and she was so overwhelmed by the pace of the day/routine. She'd come home and just cling to me. I can't tell you how many times I nearly withdrew her from school but she got used to it, and was thriving by the end of reception.

Try and control your stress levels by going out for a good walk, or doing something different to usual. Do some baking for him to come home to? Or set up some nice after school activity/fun for you both. It gets easier

I'm sure I would benefit from more support. I am (admittedly) having an extreme response but I suppose that's why I'm posting here. I don't know what else to do. I'll talk to the GP.

Thanks for the conversation advice - I'll put all of that in action 👍🏻