REALLY struggling emotionally with my son's start at school in Wales

[YourVagesty]

Hey folks,

I'm really struggling with my son starting school and I just need a handhold (please).

He started last week (we are in Wales) so this is his second week and it's just not getting any better for me. I either cry or feel like crying most days.

As a bit of context, he was very ill when he was born and spent the first few months of his life in Birmingham Children's Hospital. For the first year of his life, I was constantly on edge that he'd be taken back into hospital, or even die (they gave me therapy for PTSD but it didn't really work). I've always been overprotective of him because of this.

He's done a couple of days at nursery for the past year but struggled to make friends. He liked playing with all of the toys but he was never part of the bigger group of kids in pictures, he didn't join in with games and was always by himself. I was tempted to pull him out of nursery but it's good training for school so I persevered.

Now he's in school and he tells me nothing about his day - every time I ask him a question, he just says 'don't know'.

I'm just so sad and I want to take him away from it all. I am being outwardly very sunny and positive to him about school but I just think he will struggle. He is naive and lacks the social skills that I already see his peers possess. I feel like in his eyes, I'm putting him through this and I just want to bring him home

Anyway, nobody can help, I know, but I'm just getting it off my chest. 😭

I never remembered what I did at school. I remember my parents getting annoyed and saying “what’s the point of even sending you to school if you don’t know what you did” or “I don’t know why we even bother asking”.

My daughter turned out the same. It’s was like straight after school she hadn’t processed it yet but maybe a week later she’d mention something that happened.

I think it’s very common to feel anxious and overprotective of a child who was unwell when they were very young.

He desperately wants to play with others but struggles with things like turn-taking. That gave him issues in nursery because obviously, nobody likes somebody who hogs the bike or whatever!

He tries to talk to everybody and sometimes, I've seen other children who he's not met before, struggle with knowing how to respond to him. It's like they're with their friends and they don't want him to join in. Hard to explain but I've seen it at nursery and in the park, it's like he's always an outsider.

Are there any churches close? They organise the best baby / toddler groups! I’m not religious in any way but we went to one every day sometimes twice a day. Nice to chat to people and get a tea/biscuit. I think that saved me from boredom of sat at home / isolated.

I think it’s quite hard for a young child to articulate their day - prob tired and processing everything in their mind with all the change. Maybe ask how many marks was school lunch out of 10 a more direct question.

Good luck. Enjoy your special time with your baby!

Hello @YourVagesty,

It’s ok and understandable you’re struggling. Well done for being positive and persevering though, that’s huge.

There’s a CBT technique called interrogating your thoughts and I think it might help you- it challenges you to capture the evidence for and against the thought. So for example:

I’m worried Timmy is unhappy at school.

Evidence for: he doesn’t tell me much. It’s new. The other kids seem more advanced (or whatever)

Evidence against: he’s tired. He’s still developing his vocabulary and social skills. The school haven’t contacted me. Nursery never said he was unhappy there.

Alternative realistic thought: he may well be a bit overwhelmed at the moment, because it’s new and there’s a lot to learn. But millions of children manage it, so there’s no reason he can’t. And so on…

You have to keep training yourself out of the anxious thoughts, it’s like muscle memory. But it can be done.

This link might explain it better:
www.nhs.uk/every-mind-matters/mental-wellbeing-tips/self-help-cbt-techniques/thought-record/

Hope that helps x

Thank you and yes, it is so hard watching them struggle. They say you're only ever as happy as your unhappiest child and I think that's true, unfortunately.

I would say to check in with teachers, not every day but highlight your concerns and worries and ask them to relay anything you should be aware of, not settling, getting upset etc. They will be helpful and will have been through this before.

There is no point telling you he will be fine, you wont have that hindsight till later, you are in this right now. But there are some things you can control.

. Be ok with the I dont know answers. Every child does this. I asked my daughter how school was once and she told me she couldn't remember and they didnt do anything. Found out a few days later that guide dog puppies and an ice cream van had been at the school and she had a great day!
. Get back into therapy, online or in person
. Start joining him up to activities when you can. Nothing too wild, a sport, scouts, dance, just one activity a week will do wonders for confidence and help build his village.
. Be good to yourself, you both had a traumatic start that doesn'tgo away but it can get better.

That's such a good idea, thank you :) I might build a lego classroom with him tonight or on the weekend if he wants to.

Thank you🙏🏻

Good to know it gets easier because I feel like this is so much worse than I imagined it would be. The only way is up really!

If your child was struggling or deeply unhappy school would have told you. Speak to his teacher. Do school have any sort of communication system that shows parents what they’ve been doing every so often? We use something called Tapestry that both parents and teachers can add pictures and info about activities and achievements. Small
children tend not to tell what they’ve done the minute you see them. Wait til later in the evening. My sister has something she does with her boys called ‘big words’ it’s basically a story telling of their day. Seems to work and they love it even now they’re much older. Until you have clear evidence that he’s unhappy then assume the opposite.
It’s also very common for 4 year olds to primarily play alone or alongside others. It will take time for all of them to integrate and find their friends.

It sounds like your son is probably doing well. In my experience both the child and the teachers let you know if there are any major problems. Speaking with the teachers might put your mind at rest.

My eldest son is doing well now thank you. He is 6 foot tall with GCSEs and a volunteering opportunity he loves. He still does not like going to school. He still asks every morning if he really has to go.

There are so many brilliant things about reception. You will love it when you little boy brings home reading books, mentions other children in his class and knows all the words to "One More Step Along The World I Go".

Just a massive hug. My ds wasn’t even ill at birth and I found the early days at school really difficult. He got thumped in the classroom by a child in the first week and I nearly removed him for good. We survived. Don’t be afraid to book in to talk to the teacher. They may have some ideas that will help you both.

The question that seemed to work best on ours was ‘was anyone naughty today’ or ‘did anyone get in trouble’!!!!! They were always keen to share the gossip but similarly were stumped with a general ‘how was your day’

Marks out of 10 can be a helpful tool
Did anything funny happen today?

Agree with this and PTSD is complicated and can take many many years to even start to feel like you are getting back to normal. The fight or flight is very strong and hypervigilance pervails - and has with your son to 'flight' and protect him.

Everything about him seems normal, but kindly OP as others have said you are seeing this through the lens of PTSD.

My DD LOVED school. She had lots of friends, never had an issue. When she was small she NEVER told me about her day. She is six now and lots of her boy friends still don’t tell their parents anything - one of the mums asks me now that DD does talk about her day just to know what’s going on as her DS just refuses to say anything. Some children just don’t like talking about the past - they very much live in the now.

The best question is ‘what did you enjoy today’ or ‘what was sun’. Never what did you do. Ask what he had for lunch. I think you are projecting your anxiety on to him. Let him go and develop and find something for you to do during the day.
I worried about DS starting pre-school and two slightly older boys took one look at him and said ‘you are with us’ and so he was till they left at 11.