How low is your relationship ‘bar’?

[Heysham1]

There’s been a couple of discussions today that have showed that we all have very different views as to what we would tolerate in a relationship. Some would call it a day if their husband was staring at younger women and others would tolerate a long-term affair.
I’ve always known that my tolerance is pathetically low and I’ll tolerate any shite that comes my way (except violence), but I was wondering what others would put up with.
I’m not really thinking about short term relationships, more ones that would break up a family etc.

The point at which I didn't feel we were a team. In an ideal world (which is currently my situation) this would be a romantic, respectful, entertaining team. But I would compromise on the romance as long as we were working well together and were respectful and kind to each other.

I put up with more than I should in terms of general uselessness, being late, needing reminding etc but I don't put up with and disrespect to our relationship. No flirting or sexualised 'banter' with others, and definitely no affairs, but I wouldn't find noticing that someone else was attractive a problem. Absolutely no lying or gaslighting.

It used to be on the floor, but since my divorce 12 years ago my bar for getting into another relationship has been stratospheric. I don’t believe there is a relationship out there that I’d love more than living alone with my cat.

Interesting about the sexualised banter. I asked my teenage kids what they felt about say, looking at attractive people on Instagram and they all agreed it was a big ‘no’ if you had a boyfriend/girlfriend. My husband is in his 60’s and almost seems to live in a fantasy world of contacting women on Facebook

That’s a fab message x

So why do you put up with it, don’t you think you’re kids are telling you something ?

I'm also almost 60 and that would be a big deal breaker for me.

But I do pick up more towels and socks than I should!

This is me, although 9 years and a dog!

I do think once you're older and you're not trying to work to a timeline of marriage, kids, financial stability etc you do naturally raise the bar, especially if you've been on your own for a long time and already have everything you need

It's a personal thing I think. When I was young I had a long term boyfriend who cheated on me once and I forgave him he seemed so upset and sorry about it, then he did it again and I left him and never spoke a word to him again. He ended up having a breakdown and I felt bad for him but I also felt a fool for forgiving him in the first instance.

After that I was quite ruthless when it came to men, if they violated my standards then it was goodbye and I probably didn't let myself fall before I knew felt sure they were right. I have aunts who stuck by men who cheated, had long term affairs, were alcoholics, gamblers and it just couldn't be me, I have rather stayed single.

My ruthlessness seemed to work as I met my DH within 18 months of dating and we've been together happily for over 20 years now and he's a good one.

I think mine’s objectively sky high

I would kick off at a speeding ticket!

finding other people attractive is normal. I follow celebrities, influencers and models I find attractive on social media so I’d be hypocrite if I had a problem with someone else doing it. Contacting randoms on social media though? No. Not because I’d feel betrayed, but because it’s such utterly pathetic, desperate, sleazy behaviour and would induce such contempt and pity in me that I couldn’t find someone attractive who spent their time DMing people who would never in a million years be interested in them. Other than that, I wouldn’t accept someone who doesn’t share equally chores and life admin or who doesn’t do their bit in terms of cleaning and tidying - I’m not a clean freak but I did once dump someone for repeatedly leaving half finished coffees around my flat and leaving a muddy footprint on my rug. Lying is also a no, as is someone with no sense of humour or very opposed politics.

I guess that my point of the post. We all might think we have a line that can’t be crossed, but that isn’t always the case in reality

Mine wasn’t high enough when I younger. I did put up with shit. Then I single for years, had a number of dalliances. Then I met DH and I didn’t have to lower the bar for him at all - that’s when I had the sense to realise it was a good thing.

Now I’m 54, married for nearly 25 years and it’s sky high. If anything happened to DH I’d stay single.

Subterranean. And I'm still single.

I won’t put up with much at all, a man contacting other women on FB? absolutely no way on earth would I put up with that.

I think if I felt lonely and not respected, and despite communicating this clearly and trying to understand the reasons…

I think not lowering your bar is very rare in many marriages. Sadly.

@Vallies Yes, mutual respect is key and that includes no flirting, in person or online and no affairs. But noticing that other people are attractive is normal human behavior, I notice attractive men just as DH notices attractive women, we just don't do anything about it.

I also think it's important to be positive each other, give compliments and praise.

My bar is pretty high tbh and I've encouraged DD (21) to have high standards too, she won't put up with any nonsense.

I broke up with my long term partner because my DC had grandson. He forgot to ask.

Yes, that's what I said. No problem with noticing someone else is attractive.

I have an incredibly high bar - i think its because my dad absolutely doted on me and treated me like a princess growing up. I've noticed that my friends with crap or absent dads tolerate a lot of shit from men - anecdata isn't data but I do think there must be some connection

Oh my bar is incredibly high. I do not tolerate any foolishness at all. I am also a little crazy. 😂 Dh definitely knows it. He has seen me completely take down people who have treated me badly in the past. He happens to be an absolutely wonderful guy with strong values and equally high standards. But there is probably a tiny bit of him that definitely stays in line because he’s afraid of how nuts I’d be if he didn’t. 🤣 Bless him. It’s a very healthy productive fear, I think.

I have only had 3 relationships. Two serious,
the middle one, lasted 4 years but I think was a rebound for both of us.

Now together for 18 years, married for 8.

My bar is non negotiable. I would be on my
own rather than be with a loser. I was alone for nearly 10 years.

I think men in my life find me a bit formidable. I don’t, won’t take any of their shit.

But there is probably a tiny bit of him that definitely stays in line because he’s afraid of how nuts I’d be if he didn’t.

@mindutopia I've told DH that if he messes me around, I'll turn into Glenn Close from "Fatal Attraction." I have an instinct for when someone is interested in him, and I've scared off a couple of women over the years. 😂

I think my bar is pretty high, I won't give the time of day to men who don't work, don't drive, gets drunk, smokes weed. The only man I've ever lived with is the one I had a baby with.