Exhausted now, but dreading the day I’m no longer needed

[Sadturtle]

Does anyone else desperately want their life back but also feel terrified of getting it back?

DC is 5 and I love him to bits, but between work and parenting I feel like my entire life revolves around him. DH and I are often exhausted. I miss friends, hobbies, proper time together, just having a bit more freedom.

But then I look at families with 12/13-year-olds and feel genuinely sad. They seem so independent and so much less interested in their parents, and I keep thinking that in a few years this incredibly intense stage will just be... over.

I know he'll still need us, obviously. But not like this.

And that's the part I can't get my head around. I am exhausted by how much he needs me now, yet the thought of him not needing me makes me feel empty.

It feels like I should be looking forward to having more freedom, but instead I almost dread it. I feel I have nothing to look forward to.

Please tell me I'm not the only one who feels like this.

If you do your job well as a parent, you will feel immense pride as they become more independent.

And worry. The worry gets more, not less as the stakes as higher. But the pride grows and the fatigue lessens.

I do understand what you mean but I think over time, as your child becomes more independent, you will have time to build a life outside them and rediscover your hobbies, ambitions etc. which you may have put on hold. When the time comes, and they choose to spend every waking moment wanting to hang out with mates, you might actually be relieved you have more time you can focus on yourself, especially if they are a normal teenager and are grumpy and uncommunicative at that point!

Why the need to be needed?
Obviously your small children need you and obviously you fill that need.
That's your job as a parent.
But once your children are all grown up, you've fulfilled parental dues. You have done your job.
For sure, it's nice to be wanted. We all want that.
But if you've brought your child to successful adulthood, why would you want them to need you?

You grow with them, you don't just wake up one morning and they are independent. It happens so gradually you barely notice.

Why can’t you see your friends? Surely he goes to bed at a reasonable time, and you can go out then and meet them? Same with spending time with your husband, sit down with a nice meal when they’re in bed and have a chat, etc.

We both work full time and I’ve found 5 a great age. They’ve their own personalities, chatty, fun to be with, but also can play with their friends whilst you chat with the parents etc. We have a cleaner once a week, so we don’t have to do any cleaning, and I find we have lots of time together and time for individual hobbies and seeing friends, etc. What do you find needy at this age?

Truth is, they never stop needing you. Even now my grown up kids are on the phone for advice or invitations or looking after grandkids or helping my DD dye her hair or, or, or .....
You will never not be needed if you do it properly but how that need looks will evolve over time.

Thank you. Maybe this will be the case really

I never had this need to be needed until I had him. I think I had a lot of emotions when I held him as a baby, toddler and still when I hug him. The thought of all the time going just makes me very sad...

Having a teenage or young adult child can be just as interesting, rewarding and fun as a younger one. They also still need you but just in different ways. Meanwhile you get more time to have your own adventures.

They never stop needing you, @Sadturtle. Trust me.

I suppose what's needed is a good relationship to keep them coming back - not literally. I have a very good relationship with my adult DD and would like to claim some secret formula for success or credit on my side, but can't. I'm just so grateful that it exists.

I can only think of keep talking. The car is an excellent mobile confessional.

We see friends, mainly at playdates. I don't find it the same as before though as we are interrupted by the kids and sometimes have to resolve conflicts, etc. And then we talk a lot about them too. I don't know, it just does not feel the same as pre-kids when we had much more time and freedom. It's probably normal though, but I am often tired.

How do they need you, though? The ones my friends have just sit in their own room or are out for the whole day and my friends don't even hear from them until the evening. They talk with each other very little and from the outside it does not look like they are close. It's probably normal, I am just so dreading it. The thought that my DC can be that rude to me and would not need me ☹️

Thank you 🙏🏼 I sometimes think it's just luck too. My DH is very close to his family, I am not with mine. I wish there was a formula as you say

I think needing to be needed is a bit of a dark trait tbh

Suggest trying to get over it asap

You won’t want them to need you when they are older because that will mean that something has gone wrong (assuming that they aren’t in need of aid). Mine are 22 and 14 and seeing them grow and develop and become their own people at different stages in life is utterly wonderful. The impact that you have with kids, I think is until about 10-11 and then they will take what you’ve put in and become their own person and your job then is to keep them
on the right path. Letting them go is like getting older, it happens so slowly that you don’t really notice and then they’re doing their own thing. Which is how it should be.

Mine are aged between 12 and 20. They still need me. It's just different to when they were little. My older 2 are off to university next month and I will miss them hugely but look forward to some time with the tv remote to myself and less muddy sports kit to wash. My younger ones have more things in common with me now they are older and want to do things that I enjoy too. Ds3 and I always go to see the annual musical at the local college and it's always great fun. Ds4 likes going bowling.

As teenagers they need help and advice with school and other things they're involved with and they need lifts to hobbies and activities which are good times to talk. We helped ours learn to drive, took them to university open days etc.

Our young adult children are all at home currently. This evening we watched TV together. Yesterday we cooked an evening meal together and then played games. We go on dog walks together. My DH and I are helping our DD set up a business, I picked up DS from work yesterday, we all go on holiday together. There are endless ways to connect.

It sounds like being a parent has become your whole personality. What do you do for yourself that isn’t directed at your child. Hobbies? Go to the gym ? See any childfree friends for a night out? If not then it’s time to rediscover that part of your personality.

Mine is 19. Today, she got back from Reading festival. We put a lot of stuff in the wash then went for curry. She cried, because everyone she loves will be scattered to the winds over coming weeks to uni. We had a great chat. When we got home, we watched a bit of ER and had a laugh. My big, independent, gorgeous girl still needs me like she did when she was a toddler, just in different ways.

I have spent the Summer with my 12 yo who very much still needs me. We have played a lot of board games, done jigsaws, gone swimming, for walks, watched TV. The only time he is on a device is when I am having a lie in and he is already up getting his own breakfast and feeding the cats. He is ok on his own if I need to pop out, but I wouldn't leave him all evening or all day. We have chatted so much, found tv programmes we both love. He is not quite independent enough to make his own arrangements, and doesn't actually have a phone to do so, but has spent a grand total of 3 days away from me with friends. He is a very content young man and great company, as are the younger ones.

Have you thought about a sibling? Not specifically to extend the 'needing' years, but if it's something you might want to muse on?

But yes, (a) I totally get you (b) the needyness changes, rather than goes. I love the conversations I can now have with my 9yo about really deep things, and she still needs me, just in a different way.

I go to a gym but have 0 energy for a night out ☹️

I am not sure a sibling would help 😃 sensibly we can only afford 1 child

OP, on the ‘needing’ aspect, you’ve many years ahead! Teens need you in many respects more than small DC, as their needs are so much bigger, both emotionally and practically. The physical act of parenting is arguably less - though I’m not even sure of that, with their sports / activities / late nights requiring your input. But as they get older, there’s a lot more conversations and discussions to be had, it’s not about you making all the decisions and having ‘control’. In their teen years they’ll face big decisions, around education, career paths, friendships and relationships. There’s a lot required of you as a parent but it’s a lovely stage too in terms of doing things together, building a relationship and friendship.

Your current perspective is worrying though. You are two parents with 1 DC - it’s always busy with any DC, but how is it so exhausting that you can’t have your own free time, see your friends and so on? That’s something you need to address with DH.

My dd is 30 and still needs me.