Grandparents have no interest in grandchildren

[purplesofachair]

my DD has retired by the sea for a few years now. Originally he said he’d settle nearer his grandchildren (5 and 7) to make sure he was a regular feature but then somewhere along the line changed his mind. He’s a 4 hour drive from us.

i love my DD and have always had a great relationship with him. But the last few years he’s become isolated in his seaside bubble with his wife.

They have a lovely life with regular holidays and dogs but no longer seem to want to engage with his kids or grandkids.

This summer we asked if we could stay for a few days to try and rebuild the relationship but the whole trip was awkward. We felt like we were imposing on their set routine and they made very little effort to engage with our children. We invited them out on every day trip but they preferred to stay at home and watch the cricket.

i guess I’m looking for thoughts on how to accept this. It’s his prerogative to spend retirement how he likes and children may not play a part. But it’s so hard when many of my friends have parents who love seeing their grandchildren and happily play an active role.

i genuinely believe if I didn’t call or message I’d never hear from him again. I believe he still loves me just doesn’t think to check in.

He also makes statements which are hard to hear such as “I’m sorry we can’t visit you, but we have 2 dogs which make it hard” and then in the next breath tell us about the 4 holidays they have planned this year.

i hate feeling resentful and sad so would love some thoughts on how I can accept this is simply the hand I’ve been dealt and stop trying to force it.

thanks for reading

Some older people are family-oriented and some are peer-oriented. Sounds like your father is the latter. My FIL was the same and once I’d realised it made his lack of interest a bit easier to understand. He was widowed and remarried (maybe also your father’s situation?) and his focus was his wife and their friends, not his children and grandchildren. He loved the DGC but in a very hands-off way. It got a bit better when they were older.

What was he like as a dad when you were aged around 5-7? Was he a hands on dad did he see looking after you as primarily your mum's job?

Having read your thread i can relate. Its hard to watch and in my case is the polar opposite to my mother in law. With time I have just learnt to accept it as it is. I know for my parents they see it as having done their time and now want to love on their terms, though they do spend some time with them it is when they decide. I don't force it because at the end of the day they are losing out.
You could try chatting with your dad, but I honestly don't think it would make any difference. If he wanted to spend time with them he would. I get the hurt. It took and me many years to make peace with the fact they wouldn't be the grandparents I thought they would.

As you get older, being around young kids for days isn't quite as joyful as it once was.

Because lots of things aren't.

People get to like their lives, their routines and the things they enjoy.

MN routinely says how hard parenting is and it is. But you become tolerant to things and get into your routine and don't notice or just accept lots of things that are less tolerable as you get older.

It's different life stages and different personalities.

Small children can become very tiring and annoying when you're no longer the parent, especially when you're not the parent and don't want to interfere but also think the parent is handling things in a way you disagree with and wouldn't have done with your own DC.

You can love someone but not enjoy spending long periods of time with them.

Im Glad he’s got such a nice life. But clearly he isn’t into small children.That has to be ok. He might find it boring and tiring, noisy, demanding. I don’t think there’s anything you can do at this stage. As your children grow up, and your dad is travelling less, things may well change again.

I think my dad would probably be the same if my mother died -- I suspect he's autistic, and now, in his mid-80s, he certainly finds most activities that don't involve scrolling on the internet, having a ham radio conversation with the few of his generation still alive, and reading detective novels far too disregulating. Even if I visit my parents at home by myself, he will get up after a few minutes and go into a different room to go on his phone or read alone. It would be nice if he were more engaged, but he is who he is, and he isn't going to change now. DS just accepts it. Your children won't know any different either.

@DandyFatball says it very well.

I'm in my 60s and my health isn't great. I have a chronic condition that leaves me very tired. I don't currently have GC and my 30 something DC are all a minimum of 2 hours drive away. I'm always pleased to see them, but actually find it quite tiring when they come for a weekend because they are all bursting with energy and want to 'do things'.

Despite having been a teacher, and liking children, I'm not actually desperate for GC and certainly don't particularly want to be involved in caring for them. I am happier just pottering about when I feel well enough and wouldn't find a day spent with a 5 year old and a 7 year joyous in the slightest.

I'd find it stressful and exhausting. Just coping with the chat would tire me, even if they were happy and chatty.

Honestly, you just have to accept it. My own parents retired by the seaside, and spend a lot of time on holiday. Between work, school and our social lives we hardly see them.
You cant force people to make an effort and its much easier to deal with if just lower expectations and match their energy.

All you can do is learn to accept it because you can't change it. It's absolutely gutting though and if it was me I think I'd limit how often I called him. Maybe it's petty but it must suck hearing him talk about holidays when he can't be bothered to spend time with you.

For the sake of your DC I'd focus on seeking meaning and positive influences for them elsewhere.

Some older people are just like this. It’s galling when you see others with really hands on involved parents. My in laws are like your dad, more like distant relatives than grandparents.

The easiest way in life I find is just to accept people at the level of input they want to give.

You can say some people have gps they’re close to but some people have abusive parents they’re not on touch with or they live abroad or they have dementia or they’re dead.

I disagree when people say - it’s them losing out, they are not losing out as it’s not what they want in the first place.

As a parent of kids in their 20s I figure I will be a grandparent one day but I am just too tired and past those young kid days now. I’ve done my bit! I will be happy to see them and do emergency babysitting and some days out but my days of looking after young kids are happily in my past!

I suppose it's him losing out if say he loses his wife and wants them to fill the gap or if he decides that they are worth his time when they are no longer children.

Sorry you're going through this op. It hurts.

We have both sides pretty uninterested one slightly more interested if we completely facilitate but still puzzling behaviour (crying they miss the children yet never reaching out or declining reluctant for visits/involvement)

On the whole we just focus on our little family but it still stings when we see involved grandparents. I think it's just something you accept more over time but maybe never completely 🤷🏼‍♀️ wish I had more helpful advice

Similar situation. My dad hasn't seen or spoken to his grandchildren for over 18 months. No interest from him. If I ring him he asks how they are but that's all the contact he bothers with

We have the same issue on both sides. My grandparents had all died before I was 3. Growing up I was always sad I never got to have those relationships but I was excited for my own children to have that extra family that I never had.

I understand our parents can do as they please now they are retired, but I do feel like it as a painful rejection of both me and my children. Luckily the children are 5 and under at the moment, so they won't know any different and it is better than their grandparents being involved and then stepping away I guess. I will be remembering this though if in ten years they suddenly want to start being involved in our lives and requesting lifts & help with things.

Apart from the ham radio I wondered if you were my sister. My dad is exactly the same. I can just tell he would rather we weren’t there. He likes getting photos and loving his family from afar!

My dad is the same since my mum died. He was a really hands on grandparent before but now he has no interest. He's a lovely, kind man but just wants to do his own thing and would rather be at home by himself than off doing days out.

Sympathies. It’s very rejecting. It may not be intentionally done but it still hurts.

With today’s baby boomers we are now living today with the first generation of post- WW2 elderly people who are basically used to doing what they like in life, to a greater extent than ever before in modern history. Which is a good thing for society on the whole, especially for women, but freedom of choice can result in some difficult outcomes like this.

Added to which I do think there’s a lot of undiagnosed autism in the generations above us. We’re still as a society expressing shock that so many kids today are autistic. Of course that will mean that a lot of their older relatives are. A wider variety of behaviour was socially permissible as normal back then without labelling it and at the extremes it was called as ‘eccentricity’ or just somebody’s ’way’ or if socially difficult in the community then they were sent off to an institution. Hopefully thinking about the wider context might help this rejecting behaviour seem less personally intended- but I totally understand that it’s very painful when it happens to you.

Sorry to hear this, OP. We are friendly with both sides but no interest from any grandparents nor siblings either side, to get involved. It would be helpful to have someone even help the odd time.

It’s just how it is for a few years I’ve accepted it.

I've learnt to build a life without them.

I am a reluctant grandparent. Reluctant in that I have no desire to look after my grandchildren, although I adore them. I’ve done my time. I do look after them, one day a week, but I know I could look after them 5 days a week and it still wouldn’t be enough in my DD’s eyes.

I am 10 years older than my mother was when I was the one with young children. That makes a huge difference. I’m just tired. My DD and I are both resentful, for different reasons. It’s a shame. And most of the problem stems from the cost of childcare and the need for 2 incomes I think.

My pils dropped in a couple of weeks ago on their way home from a safari park a couple of hours away.
Me & dh are struggling to cover school holidays with our ds. I’ve had 2 weeks leave from work, dh has had a different 2 weeks to cover 4 weeks, the rest we have literally got by by the skin of our teeth.
To say I was fucking furious with this is an understatement.
Both retired, both fit and well, never fucking occurred to them to invite little ds along with them on this day out. Mil declared that fil loves a zoo and safari park & what a lovely day they have had. It was super busy though with kids with it being summer holidays.
They live 20 minutes away from us btw.
I gave up a very long time ago with them.

Dont get me started on my mother who spends all her time & money on my sisters grown up child and her 3 kids & always has done.

But you decided to have a child @Gardenflowering , your PIL didn’t decide to have a grandchild. Why are you furious? It’s not their problem you are struggling.

My in laws showed little interest in any of their grandkids (there’s only one left of four grandparents on that side now). Lovely people but any visit was at our instigation and though they were kind to the kids they were expected to pretty much play quietly in the corner, though they did talk to them as they got older and asked questions. My DH had a complicated relationship with his parents and he thought it was just him but in speaking to a brother they said it’s the same with their kids. I think they feel they’ve raised their kids and are happy with the occasional visit but that’s as far as it goes. I’m seeing my step FIL this weekend and he is always happy to see us but again it’s me who arranged it and it’s never for more than snd hour and a half.