Drank far too much and now ashamed of what I did

[Threefrogs]

I got extremely drunk last night and made a complete fool of myself in front of everyone, and I think I might have really damaged some relationships. Or maybe it’s just the fear because I feel awful and so ashamed. I have some gaps in my memory and I’m not sure I want to try to remember.

I don’t even have an excuse. I drank way too much and ended up with a male friend who I like, but not even quietly so everyone knows and I think some people were annoyed. I messaged my best friend who wasn’t drunk and who I trust 100% and she told me what I did and what happened until she left at least.

I know that I probably need to talk to him but I’m so embarrassed after apparently telling him how much I fancied him and being really inappropriate.

I just want to crawl under a rock and never speak to anyone ever again. I don’t usually drink so much and I’m not sure why I even did this. I had to cancel a meet up with my family today because I really couldn’t get out and I just really hate myself.
Not sure why I even wrote this post. Maybe just to get it off my chest.

Would he necessarily have known? I assume everyone was drinking? Maybe he was blacking out too? We really don’t have enough information to paint this man as the bad guy (although I appreciate there’s a possibility)

The best medicine is time. Lots of people have been in your situation. It’s not ideal but you’ll be fine.

I’d rip off the plaster. Message the guy. I wouldn’t apologise unless you think you’d been offensive but you could say that you are embarrassed (because it’s true) and that you are struggling to remember all the details.

Yeah I really don’t think that what I did was ok and i don’t think he did anything wrong. My best friend told me and I absolutely trust her account.

Did something similar OP and got into a blazing row with somebody over nothing.

It happens. You're not alone in feeling guilty and embarrassed.

One day you might be sitting in a nursing home with nothing but your memories for company. This is the part of life you are living. Don't let it get you down, it's part of being alive, the bit where we can blunder and wonder and learn x

Are either of you married to other people or with significant .others? If so that's a another factor to add to your remorse.

I think you need to get over your embarrassment have a conversation with this man,.explain you were under the influence and don't remember much but you want to check that it was safe sex pregnancy and STI risk) , as presumably you didn't check before hand.

Depending on whether he used.a condom once you have got over your embarrassment you might want to get a check up if he and you have had unprotected sex with other people in last few months even

Your 'friend' took advantage of you rather than the other way around. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

He on the other hand, should be in jail.

Drunken blackouts won't be visible to other people. It means you're not forming short term memories, but you'll still be awake and conscious.

For what ?
She came on to him she knew what she was doing
Having some memory loss the next day doesnt mean she was unconscious or not able to consent at the time.

This is the most depressing post I’ve ever read. I intend to still be making new friends in the nursing home. Every part of life matters just as much as the last.

If you were blackout drunk wtf was this prince among men doing shagging you????

Even if you'd both shag sober, you were clearly out of your head.
This isn't cool IMO.

Separately getting black out drunk isnt great.(said as someone who used to drink away too much and now has cut down significantly eg big night is 2-3 small glasses of wine once every 3m)

Try and push through the.shame to get to reflection and change... ie. Is this making you happy? No? What would?

I still can’t get what was so bad about two single people getting together. Is it that it happened indiscreetly and your friends heard? That’s not the end of the world.

Just to add another angle to this @Threefrogs, if you were that drunk then he shouldn’t really have slept with you as you may not have been capable of consenting, especially if getting that drunk is out of character. So maybe he’s not so blameless either.

Not telling you not to be embarrassed, sounds like you definitely overdid it, but blaming yourself and putting him on a pedestal is probably not right either. Hope you feel better today.

What in particular that’s playing on your mind so much?

You can’t have been too horrible or he wouldn’t have slept with you . We have all had the beer fear . Apologise and move on .

Well she wasent black out drunk was she shes exlplained she came onto him very strongly
Not remembereing parts of the evening the next day doesnt mean a person has passed out.

If you and the guy are both single I don’t see the big issue…

He wasn't single which is partially why I feel bad.
I don't think I can blame him for what happened. I absolutely seem to have initiated it and won't even try to shift the blame to someone else.
We've been in contact and he's been very nice. I got some jokey questions about how I was feeling by some others and have apologized but they all seemed unbothered, so I think I must have catastrophized a lot.
I definitely need to watch myself next time I go out but I sure won't be touching any drinks for a while after this...

I think you've buried the lede a bit here OP, had you put that he wasn't single in your first post you'd have got different responses. Him not being single should be why you mostly feel bad, not partially so. You say you liked him, so why were you getting wasted with him in the first place?

That being said he is the prince who cheated, and with someone blackout drunk- he is primarily in the wrong here, and I certainly wouldn't be in contact with him or caring how "nice" he was. He's a cheat and a predator. Weird that you say you don't think he did anything wrong.

I was in a similar situation in my youth during a period in my life when I was suicidal- not making excuses just explaining where my mental health was- I was absolutely wasted and an engaged man (not a friend, just someone I'd met via a mutual friend that evening) absolutely took advantage of me. I felt a lot of guilt for a long time, and still do about his now wife, but with therapy I have come to realise he was the one in the wrong.

You can't undo what you've done, but I would cut contact with this so-called 'friend' and get some therapy.

You are probably right. To be fair I don't think it was anything serious because he never brought a partner along and only said "seeing someone". We were out with a whole group, not just out by ourselves.
But I agree that it makes me feel bad.

He has done a lot wrong here. Id stay well clear of him. He isnt nice

Whether its serious or not is neither here nor there- honestly its sounding a bit like you are trying to justify that part of it.

He cheated- he is in the wrong!!

I’m guessing all you will have done here is possibly been a bit annoying or embarrassing. Nothing a quick apology doesn’t fix.

Regarding the man. It is rather dependent on the circumstance, I never get a consistent explanation from people when they say they are “seeing someone.” If there is any expectation if exclusivity with the women he is seeing then he is totally in the wrong, if it is some early stage thing with no expectation then that is OK I suppose (though I’d still be sceptical about his character). Obviously, any suggestion of anything illegal is ridiculous.

Perhaps find out what his description actually means, if he was in something exclusive avoid him in the future. But if there is betrayal of trust it is not by you here, so don’t feel like you are in the wrong.

Well, it is. It rather depends on what is meant by that description. I would assume “seeing someone” would mean a relationship with the expectation of exclusivity, but I am told by some much younger colleagues to them it does not.

I’d still be suspicious of someone who did that regardless of the “normal” expectations of certain labels, as someone who is getting about while having someone semi attached seems off. But there are distinctions.