Name changed for this. Feeling really low and just need some support. I’ll try to keep it brief.
I’m late 40s, DH is early 50s. We have been married for over 20 years and have 1 teenage DD.
We live about 4-5 hours away from his family (he moved away for uni and never went back). I am not hugely close with my family, who live about an hour away and dote on DD but tend to forget about me. As is often the case, there’s a fair bit of history. There was a bit of a family tragedy when I was a toddler and my mum, for reasons beyond her control, effectively withdrew from me completely. My dad has always been there, but I think this had a massive influence on me, and I grew up incredibly independent. As in was living independently by 16 and lived alone until meeting DH at 24.
I’m now one of the late diagnosed ADHD women you see reels about, that need nobody and struggle to trust. I’ve spent most of my adult life feeling like an imposter. I know it’s made me incredibly hard to live with, and both DH and DD have also been diagnosed ND too.
DH and I haven’t been speaking to each other for the best part of a week. He believes I am being completely unreasonable in reacting to him agreeing to do something pretty massive for his parents without any discussion with me (they have never done anything supportive for us - I have practically nothing to do with them). I found out only when I tried to pay DD’s hairdresser by bank transfer and got a message that £30k had been paid out to his parents and we’d hit the daily cap on bank transfers for the day.
Now, there are a couple of things in the past that are quite triggering for me that relate to his parents. Firstly was our wedding: they donated nothing but made demands about guest lists. His family is about 6 times the size of mine so we set a rule that if we hadn’t seen anyone in the past 2 years on either side, they were either invited to the evening do or not at all. Of course, the distance meant many wouldn’t come to the evening do, but even some relatives of his that live about 40 mins away declined. I didn’t think much of it, and on the day thought it a bit odd that his parents literally ignored me all day (they didn’t say a single word to me) but pushed it to the back of my mind. We partied till about 1am and then went to our hotel about 30 mins from our wedding venue. At 8am PIL turned up and reception rang (waking us up) to tell us they were there to collect DH and take him to visit these semi-local relatives. Pretty unbelievable, but DH went. He chose to leave me alone for several hours rather than say no to them.
I was obviously anxious about this for some time, and I took years making sure he would have my back if we had children (he was desperate for children). Throughout the pregnancy he was amazing and would be telling his parents very clearly that we didn’t know how the first few days would be so they would need to stay in a hotel when she arrived, which they were in agreement with. They agreed not to book until she had arrived safely, which was just as well as I ended up going 2 weeks over and having to have a c-section. I had a lot of complications afterwards as I have a blood clotting disorder which required daily injections, and I developed infections and all sorts in that first week. DH was calling his parents to tell them they could come and meet their first grandchild, and they refused if they couldn’t stay with us. Again, DH put them first and pressured me to have them visit, “only for a week or so”. I stayed firm and out of spite they visited for the day. They drove 5 hours each way rather than fork out for a Travelodge down the road. (They were not badly off by any stretch of the imagination.). They also brought an enormous (hideous) nappy cake with them, despite knowing we were using reusable nappies.
They have made it very clear that they have no interest in DD or me, which is fine usually as DH just deals with them himself and visits a couple of times a year.
Fast forward to this week and £35k has been sent to them. When I ask what is going on he tells me that they really need a new car (they’re both pushing 80 and may have to stop driving within months) but couldn’t get finance. They couldn’t pay outright because they have cashed in their shares and given their savings to BIL who is renovating a house and not working at the moment. They really like this £35k car but don’t want to get a loan. They didn’t even ask DH, he just offered them the money and then sent it with zero discussion. No consideration of the impact on me or DD (we are desperate for new windows and she will be taking her driving test in a month or two and £10k was put away for a car for her). He hasn’t suggested to them that we will need the money back, and didn’t think it was something he needed to discuss with me - his wife of 20+ years. He admitted that he knew I would say no, and also that they are leaving their house etc to him and his brother equally, so it will never be rebalanced, but he couldn’t care less.
I am so annoyed with him, but I’m also just deeply sad that nobody has ever truly had my back. I’ve never been the most important person to anyone, not even my husband of 2+ decades. And the armour that I fight daily not to wear, not to be too independent, not to be “hard”’and unfeeling, has a purpose. Because there is nobody else that will fight for me or even respect me as a person when they are deciding to give money I’ve saved as well to people that have shown me nothing but contempt. I feel so alone. DD is away for a few days, most of my friends and colleagues are away and I face a long weekend with someone who clearly doesn’t care and who won’t even acknowledge me if our paths cross in my own home. I’ve been in bed in pitch darkness for hours and I can hear him playing video games downstairs.
I don’t know what I wanted from this post. I feel no better for writing it down. I’m so sad and lonely and just feel so detached from my own life. :(