Husband refuses to seek medical advice again

[herewego100]

Don't know if I am being unreasonable but not brave enough to post in AIBU.

My DH has 2 life limiting illnesses.

He has woken up today for about the 7th day in a row with a bad cough that is getting worse. Because of his health issues it's almost definitely connected to 1 of them and based on previous situations is serious. He is refusing to go to the GP. Again. He has form for this. On 2 separate occasions he has become ill for days, refused to seek help and ended up being blue lighted to hospital for stays of 7 plus days. Each time a consultant says to him that it would have been better if he had sought medical attention earlier. The first time it happened it resulted in permanent damage that could almost certainly have been avoided if he had received medical help earlier.

When this happened late last year I literally told him that he would end up in a and e at 3 am if he didn't seek medical input. He refused to listen and that is exactly what happened (apart from the fact it was 2 am!). I sound completely selfish I know but when he ends up in hospital it is horrible for both our (adult) son and I. We are worried and upset. We had a huge row about it at the time. I refused to apologise later - said everything I wanted you to avoid you didn't. Grow up and take responsibility. Our son also made it clear to him that when he is in hospital it is horrible for all of us.

And that brings us to today. He's clearly struggling. He won't see a GP. I have said very calmly that if he goes to A and E he will be on his own this time. I will not be supporting him by spending 12 plus hours with him and then visiting him every day, bringing him food, clean clothes etc. He can deal with the full consequences,

I get that he hates the way his health is and that him being in hospital is horrible for him. But if it were me I would do everything within my power to avoid hospital admission. He said that I am being cold and uncaring. I said that if he cared about how his medical emergencies made his loved ones feel he would do his utmost to avoid them where possible.

I genuinely am so over this shit - I think I have gone into survival mode, if he doesn't care enough ether about his health or himself or his child or I, then I am banging my head against a brick wall and I want to stop. He's currently in bed coughing away. This time it all feels different - almost as though I am done with it all and he can make his own stupid and selfish decisions free of me pleading with him to be sensible.

I am not sure why I am posting. I am certain that I come across as nasty. But I have really had enough.

Does he work? You have a child together and I’m guessing he can’t do a thing to help you parent when he is like this?

It doesn’t come across as nasty OP: it comes across as though you are at the limits of what you can cope with.
I think it’s okay you have told your husband how you feel; it’s obviously tough for him but it’s also tough for you. it’s good for him to know this.
It all sounds so difficult. It’s important to consider yourself in all this too.

does he have a care plan? It sounds like maybe he would benefit from having it in black and white when x happens then you need to do y.

i also wonder if he would benefit from some counselling to help deal with things?

What would happen if you made the appointment for him and said that you’re taking him there?

Thank you for your replies. Our child is an adult. He's been out of work for nearly a year (his industry is struggling - he refuses to accept he needs to find any job). He has a clear care plan. He would benefit from counselling but won't go. I can't bring myself to make a appointment for him and cajole / beg / cry for him to attend. I just can't. It would be like me accepting responsibility for his health.

I am pretty certain that he is depressed. I am his number 1 source of conversation. He has isolated himself from his friends. But it's all so exhausting and is affecting me. I haven't slept well for a week worrying about him.

You are not cruel or nasty at all @herewego100

Your husband's behaviour is driven by fear.

What is he trying to avoid? Do you know?

In my past career I use to be involved in helping patients who wanted to limit medical interventions and not go into hospital.

As he has agency/capacity so is perfectly within his rights to decide not to go into hospital - however he would do well to communicate what he wants and does not want - ideally a written document of which his GP and consultant/hospital team are aware and support.

Both the GP and hospital team would be able to advise your husband of the consequences of his choices and whether there are any other options (other than the ones he is clearly avoiding) that he might be more willing to take up instead.

If he has a specific condition perhaps approach patient and family support groups - they might be able to help.

Is he receiving any sick pay? Bringing in any income? Or is it all on you?

Does your child still alone? What was he like as a parent?

He sounds as though he is almost wallowing in his illness.

his industry is struggling - he refuses to accept he needs to find any job)

what do you mean? He’s lazy?

You can seek counselling for yourself and set your boundaries.
Accept he is managing his health in his way.
Wirk out a strategy for you to manage this your way eg as you say... not attending a and e with him.
Is going to die from this? (Seek pre bereavement counselling)

Can I put a different perspective as a palliative care/ hospice hcp whilst also acknowledging you are fully reasonable in your assessment of the situation and that your feelings are more than understandable and valid! When you say he has 2 life limiting illnesses, how long are we talking eg. Less than or more than 5 years or normalish life span (if lucky and takes care of himself) ? If lifespan is limited , then it can be useful for palliative services to get involved at some point to help support both his and your emotional needs. He is showing behaviour that is sometimes seen in those with eg. progressive respiratory or neurological conditions , where the burden of living with illnesses that involve frequent hospital admissions can start to become too much. He is making a choice by not seeking help even though by other peoples standards this could be seen as an illogical choice. He may not accept emotional support at the moment but this can allow people to work through their feelings and become more at peace with their life ( and yes, effective treatment for depression can be part of the picture)

I think Letting him go to the hospital and not going to visit might send a message that you're done with his shit. He can call you all the uncaring words he wants. If he doesnt get the undivided attention he might be a bit proactive in preventing from going.

It sounds to me like he needs an agreed care plan for when these things happen.
His consultant could set it up with the GP.
I presume he's going to need antibiotics? In which case there are circumstances when a patient can have a supply at home to start which can avoid deteriorating symptoms.
His health conditions must be well documented by the GP so he would probably get prioritised and seen quickly or even just a telephone appointment if he's very averse to going in.

I just came back to add about the benefits of having an at home/ just in case antibiotics prescription but see someone has already advised this . The other is a link to this https://www.nhs.uk/tests-and-treatments/end-of-life-care/planning-ahead/. Sometimes starting to think and fill in things like advance care planning /„living wills“ etc can open up conversations about fears, emotions…..equally I acknowledge how often wives have to take on the emotional work of supporting their husbands It would be nice of any of his healthcare providers could start to open up conversations that might allow them to address potential depression/ emotional distress.

Posters are ignoring fact he really can’t be that ill

He can work but the Op is frustrated because he is choosing. not to as doesn’t think it’s necessary!

Thank you again, will come back and answer in more detail but @Doigoforit2 you aren't quite right. He is very unwell. He has died twice already and been resuscitated. I don't feel comfortable sharing exactly what is wrong with him. Regarding the not working - yes he is choosing not to look for jobs outside his industry. And it is incredibly frustrating. I work full-time. I think that this is one of the things that he needs support coming to terms with, I don't think that it is as simple as laziness. Having said that if I were in the same position I would take any job I could.

How prepared are you for his eventual passing? Wills, housing etc. Do you know his final wishes (funeral type).
Does he want full resuscitation? If you are asked on the spot do you consent to full resuscitation if further damage expected.
At this point I’d be very detached and prepare for widowhood.
I would hate to see my partner suffer but his lack of self care/interest would be a clue that DNR is his personal wish.

But you said that he is choosing not to work

so you think he is capable of work but he just is deciding not to… for what reason?

So you are 100% financially supporting him? Or is he getting any benefits?

Is he actually well enough to work? Has he had enough and just wants to let nature take its course? People refuse help for often very complex reasons and it can be tied in with depression, passive suicidal ideation, fear, low self esteem etc. They don't usually do it just to be awkward.

I do know how hard this is. I have been in a similar situation.

You can in fact feel two different things at once: sad that he is facing such serious medical problems, whilst also feeling exasperated that he does not seem to be dealing with it sensibly and is really being his own worst enemy.

His behaviour will be being triggered by lots of things: fear, anger, disappointment etc.

But you are allowed to have all your own feelings too. When someone refuses to act in their own best interests but expects others to be supportive it is a horrible bind and often induces unnecessary guilt.

You can only do your best.

Ring his GP, ask to speak to him, he may well come out... and yes, they still do that.

Not for someone who is capable of leaving but just doesn’t want to

My husband is the same, he has a smokers cough. Its dreadfull and its been going on for 6 years, he's been smoking 20 a day fof 45 years. Its so bad now he can't even lie flat in bed, he sleeps on the sofa. I have tried everything to no avail. So this year i just decided to look after myself and avoid anything that would stress me , like holidays abroad etc. I wish i had some words of wisdom for you

I think you're both struggling, OP.
The only thing you can do is find a way to handle how it makes you feel. You can't make him change but you could get help/therapy to get the resources to be able to cope.
Just to get some clear thinking.
You're both in the trenches, he won't seek support, you can.
You need support too.