Washed up at 55. Suggestions needed please.

[PointlessMother]

I'm 55 soon. I've achieved nothing of note during my life. I still live in the town I grew up in. I did go to university and get a PhD but I lived at home the whole time. It's the type of thesis that never gets read again. I was made redundant 13 years ago and have worked at home freelance ever since with the help of my business partner who is frankly the brains behind everything. I'd be hopeless on my own. I'm a complete introvert which has held me back all my life. I rarely go out now. I'm grieving for the recent loss of my dear mum. No friends to speak of. Just DH and DS.

Anyway to cut a very long boring story short, I want to do something with the rest of my life. I don't want my son to think I'm just an old woman with nothing in my life. When he gets back from work I'm just sat in my chair doing nothing of note.

I was thinking of aiming for something like a British record for over 55s in say running, or getting a novel published, ....not that I'd be any good at any of that.

Any ideas?

Why does it have to be stand out? Until the last paragraph I was going to ask what you enjoyed doing as a youngster? Rediscovering a passion or passion time could spark your zest for life.

There are lots of people (most) who aren’t in the record books but are treasured by their loved ones all the same.

So you have achieved things and you are a fully function self supporting adult and raised a child and you have a huge loss on your life

cut yourself some slack and be proud of your achievements and don’t rush because of the grief

but now is a great age to think about what comes next

I always work in categories

sport and fitness
helping others / volunteering
learning something ( music, language )
something for you - music, travel, reading whatever

I am not sure looking for greatness , looking to make an impression at a national or international level is worthwhile really - but you may be thinking “why would someone remember you” “who would come to your funeral “ and that can be small things - small things that make the world a little better

Do something that gets you out of the house once a week, which has an aim. Choir, running club, potholing. Anything that you have any sort of interest in.

i am the same age and my kids see me doing interests/ hobbies and going out with friends As well as going out for work.

it doesn’t have to be Earth shattering! Why should it be?

Ah, @PointlessMother, sounds like you feel invisible - which alas is the reality as we get older! This may also be a form of grieving your mum - a ‘what’s the point of it all’ ennui.
Your achievements are the ones that matter to you - you got a PhD, have a husband and a child, work in your husband’s business… You don’t need to achieve fame for life to be worthwhile, but an active life is a wonderful thing. Time to find some activities!
If you’re 55, and maybe working part-time, have a look at the U3A near you - a whole host of activities, one of which may catch your interest. Or the community noticeboard posters with all sorts of groups and classes. Try one! You’re worth it…

I’m an introvert too and don’t have friends. I find them exhausting. I’m too tired with my DH and DDs. I’m a few years younger. I think you lost your confidence. No one reads my PhD either and I’m still proud of it. In fact my PhD thesis were only read by examiners.

I found a couple of hobbies that filled my time recently. I started figure skating and restarted on the piano. For the later, I’m not taking lessons but practicing to accompany my kids with their exam songs.

I think it’s about finding a goal and something to fill your time.

Do you like singing, OP? Joining a choir can be amazing for your mood and social life. There’s research on the benefits of singing together. I recently joined one, and while I don’t choose to join in with the social side very much, there are so many different social events going on, big and small, that us introverts can dip in and out as we feel comfortable.

This really does sound like a grief process. Because objectively, Doctor, you are an exceptionally high achiever. But that doesn’t mean you have to ignore your feelings or what they tell you.

Introverts I know don’t tend to be people who never leave the house or interact with people. Frankly I don’t think it helps your mood to isolate yourself. For sure, dont take a job or a voluntary role where it’s all about wrangling a stream of people all day long and then head out for more socialising. I’ve done that, because Im an extroverts extrovert and I relax through interaction and my mood plunges if I reflect too much on my own. I still need to do it sometimes.

Interesting that you mentioned two largely solitary but high end aspirations but immediately undercut yourself by saying ‘I’d be no good at either.’ Would you? You’ve already written a book, ie your PhD thesis. Would you like to write another? Why not give it a go?

My first thought is for you to join a creative writing circle. A good one, attended by people who are aiming at publication in some form. Because you are quite clearly a serious person. Challenge yourself.

It’s okay to just potter around life if you’re happy doing that, you don’t need to ‘achieve’ anything other than occasionally pointing at a cat and saying ‘look, a cat!’

But if you feel in a bit of a rut, do a solo holiday somewhere? UK? Spain? Japan? That’ll shake you up a bit maybe?

Oh, I could have written your post! Please don't think you're washed up, you aren't at all. My PhD hasn't been read by anyone else either. But you finished it, and whether anyone ever reads it now or not doesn't take away from the fact that you're still Dr PointlessMother.

Could you look into doing some further study? If you're naturally academic you might like to do another degree. Ok, you might not be exceptional at it, but it would be a chance to do something really different and explore a new direction.

What was your phd in?

You have a PhD, a long-term, stable relationship and a child who I'm assuming loves you very much.
You're still relatively young and the world is your oyster.
What brings you joy? Follow it.

You got a phd and had your own son, those are achievements. Everything else were choices you made and having ownership over those choices will empower you to change things. You can do whatever you want with your life, but make a plan to make it happen.

Effects of air pollution on crop yields.

My mum was so proud of me and loved calling me Dr. 😥. I miss her terribly.

It's not that I want to achieve greatness, as someone put it, I just feel invisible (and another poster said).

It's difficult when social interactions are just not my thing.

Most of us live small invisible lives. Forgotten within a generation or two. Don’t linger over it.

But do something for yourself. Friends can be found through activities. If you are serious about doing something sporty then do it.

Or maybe you could start a club for introverted people - for example a board games night at the local community centre or pub. You’d only need a couple of people to start with, put a flier in the local supermarket, dust off your backgammon set and you’re golden.

I'm the same age as you.

I'm really sorry about your mum. Reading your OP and your update, it seems to me that you're still very much in the thick of grieving and I think you need to go easy on yourself and let that run its course for now.

Are you taking care of yourself? Really taking good care? Exercise, fresh air, eating your veggies, going easy on the wine?

I could have written this a few years ago, I didn’t believe I had succeeded at anything, didn’t terribly like myself, couldn’t see what the years over 60 would bring. I decided that I did not want to be a boring grandmother or a grandmother whose health didn’t allow her to play.
I took up yoga, I found new creative outlets. I looked for ways to volunteer and give back. I was lucky to meet groups who were very supportive. Things came together enough for me to be more comfortable with who I am. Nothing dramatic, I’m not going to change the world, I haven’t developed an incredible talent but that doesn’t matter.

Invisibility is nothing to do with age. It’s about not putting yourself out there and making yourself seen.

It sounds like you are feeling you must conquer death, make a mark, are disquieted by the fact we are all temporary flights through a brief window. We all go through it.

But rationally you must see that great achievements won't meet this need, because you've already got a PhD and it's not solved the problem. It's not a hole that can be filled, really.

The real work is to understand that the point of your life is to live it, to experience it fully, embrace the unique and irreplaceable existence only you have, to go through the world knowing that all you build will fall into dust and within a few few years of your death you will be utterly forgotten by the world. It's true. It's really true - for you and for me and for your mum and everyone in this thread. So let the dream of immortality go. There is no achievement, no trophy, no monument you can erect to keep your place in the world. You already have it, so live it, right now, for yourself. Don't miss it!

Ha, signing in to the Pointless PhD club here too. Seems there are lots of us around. The thing I worked on doesn't even exist any more.

PhDs are training, not (usually) useful in themselves.

Slightly older. Health and fitness. When I run I pretend I’m winning in the Olympics, ditto swimming and weights. I find it helps

You have a husband, child and are academic. Work genuinely does not matter, in my view.

No one is keeping score, there are no medals and no one cares (in a liberating way).

Be gentler on yourself x

My mum had a PhD and I was so proud of her. She gave up academic life mostly when she had kids and I was really grateful for all she did for us. I’m sure your DS will be super proud of you.
It does sound like you’re really grieving at the moment - which is to be expected. Try and be gentle with yourself and maybe think of small things that help rather than dialing up the expectations of yourself right now.

Sorry about your mum. That’s got to be really tough and grief never seems to truly leave.
My aunt had a sort of midlife crisis (not saying that’s what this is!) at around 53 and went to live on a small Greek island and helps the people who get washed up from the ‘small boats’ and helps deal with remains, tends to stranded people including children, rubbish collection etc over the islands beaches.
It’s busy but rewarding work in the summer months she says. And she rents a tiny flat there for hardly any money, the charity pays meals. I think she’s been doing it maybe 10 years.
I’d volunteer and try to make other people’s lives better if mine felt completely flat as you describe, though I’m sure you’re much needed by your family.

Same age and was made redundant from a fairly senior position with a knock to confidence and no desire to do anything similar….

Ive got a bit fitter, I’m doing volunteering for a charity, I’m a trustee for another charity and I’ve got some ad hoc travel jobs lining up. The pay is rubbish…. But I love travel and I usually like dealing with people and problems. Hoping this will give me a sense of worth and purpose.

good luck OP. X

Do the London Marathon. You will absolutely love it. I promise.

Start with joining a park run if they have one in your area. Advertise your services as a tutor; you are an expert in your field and could genuinely help young people. I have found that volunteering is what gets me out of my head and connected to others. You have so much to offer with your maturity and knowledge, your self awareness. Help others!