Worried about living alone and companionship as I get older

[dayfall676]

Concerned about who will support me as I age (early 50's).

I realise aging is a privilege. Who knows what will happen. I didn't want to post in AIBU because I know partly I am being but I also know that this is how I am and it is very difficult to change around (taking steps with various therapy).

Menopause has come along and completely blindsided me. It is likely that I have neurodiversity (flagged high on an in-depth autism questionnaire with likely adhd traits). Late diagnosed. It did not occur to me that I might be ND as I always assumed I had anxiety trauma from living in a very unstable home environment. I always wanted to be a mum and in some regards I am a good mum in other regards I struggle.
Fast forward I have 3 dc - girls Aged between 12 and 21. I love being a mum. I stayed at home with all three when they were young because I wanted to be there for them unlike my own mother was for me. It is likely that at least two of my girls have ND.
It has occurred to me that I don't cope well on my own. I bumble along with day to day things and get by (that is how it feels now, I used to be much better before the menopause) I'm empathetic and I am able to support my girls emotionally.
My husband is 8 years older than me. Together we work as a team to take care of dc. No extended family. I have a couple of good friends who are also older than me.
The biggest support I need is having someone to work alongside or be a presence. I don't necessarily need them to entertain me but I do need companionship. My mood is very low currently. I have edged into early retirement on account of burnout and menopause. Trying to build a new retirement life feels incredibly difficult. It has made me think about the future and I am really scared to think I might be left alone.
I watched my grandmother cry with loneliness after my grandfather died and my mother seemed to deteriorate dramatically during the last final 5 years of her life living alone.
I don't expect dc to care for me. I wouldn't want to intrude especially if they have partners/families of their own etc. But, on the other hand I realise I am going to need support of some kind. This would be my ideal to live with a dc whilst employing a companion
I've been thinking about the homeshare scheme that Age UK run whereby someone lives with you for very little rent on agreement of doing a few hours work each week. Supported living is another option but for some reason I'm not so keen even though there is a good rural one in the county with activities and a meeting place for meals etc. I feel that with my ND it could be a bit of minefield.
I will have a reasonable but not massive pension monthly around £3k. I do currently have savings and house is paid for and would be able to accommodate a lodger.
My anxiety is ramping up over all this. I can't seem to arrive at a solution. I think I have got existential OCD amongst everything else. It feels awful and as I say my mood can become low though I try to appear buoyant for dc. I'm afraid life will pass me by lost in this anxiety.
Do you or someone you know have something going on like this and what provisions have been made for potentially living alone.

It sounds like the change brought about by your retirement has made you feel incredibly low and you are catastrophising. I hope any treatment for possible ND gives you some relief. In the meantime it might be worth speaking to a GP about these low feelings. Many people find retirement very hard to adjust to.

Crikey, kindly, you are really young to be worrying about this. You may never be alone, a lot of children stay with their parents into their 30s, more if they have additional needs. I retired through ill health in my early 50s, but found a second career that I loved. It was short lived because some new responsibilities came our way.. I think you need to think about what you like and whether you could study or find work in that field. You should also cultivate some friendships.
I am 67and starting to consider this stuff, I have a friend and we joke about living together with a load of rescue animals If we should both be widowed. But actually that sounds great to me, and I think there may be more thoughtful provision of housing and services for older people in the years ahead. I think the loneliest people are the women who cling on to their family home, until it becomes a prison. But I can see why if the alternatives are ghastly bungalows or institutional living.
you really are quite young, having an eye to the future is fine, but living fully in the present , for yourself and not just for others, is the best preparation for that future.

I have never been the person who is the first poster and says something unkind, but this truly is a 'count your blessings' post. You are panicking about ageing and living alone when you are relatively young, in good health, have a husband, three children, a house paid off, a substantial pension. I am close to your age and am grateful for my health but have no husband or children, no house and will have to work for another 20 years to still have less pension than you have now - and I am in a professional, senior and societally 'high status' job. Rather than panicking about living alone I would urge you to talk to a therapist as otherwise you really will be allowing your life and its many blessings and privileges to pass you by.

Gently, when I read your title I was expecting the post to have been written by somebody much older, single and without children.
Please work on this ruminating rather than wasting your potential current happiness.

For what it’s worth I had a lot of anxiety and stress when going through the menopause which has now completely disappeared.

at the moment you’ve got four other people in your house. Being on your own is therefore not a current problem.

I would get some HRT and get some therapy (from a psychologist who is autism aware) to talk this through.

When i was younger OP i used to worry massively about getting older and being by myself. I never had many friends - I am autistic although I only got a late life diagnosis. I remember sitting in a pub with my sister when I was in my twenties on a return visit to my home town where she still lived and asking her if we were both on our own when we got older if she would share a home with me. She was quite agreeable to this.
Fast forward almost 50 years and I have been widowed 20 years. My sister and I are no contact. And I have been living alone since my son left for his job in a different city 10 years ago. But the strange thing is that after all the angst of my younger days I actually don't mind living alone. I enjoy the autonomy.

Of course it helps that I'm reasonably healthy and active. And my son visits every 2 or 3 weeks. I don't have any friends as such but pass the time of day with neighbours and people who live locally.
So I spent many years in fear of being alone but honestly OP the reality is not anything like what I dreaded. Perhaos you might find the same.

Some of you are being real pricks. Not a scrap of empathy.

@dayfall676

OP, my mum was incredibly
lonely when she was older. She was a lovely friendly vibrant lady who gave everything up for her kids but ultimately she was an new person in an unfriendly town, a lot of her friends had died and she had moved around a lot all her life. And she was divorced!

I think that you’re wise to see this coming and you can head this off now by being as busy as you can cope with and social as you can manage. That’s literally all you can do - I am aware myself that I need to make an effort for similar reasons. And will be going to stuff like u3a when I am older.

OP I am a bit further down the line than you and can honestly say that being widowed and living alone has very little to recommend it at all especially when physical illnesses arrive smiling on the doorstep ...

So my strongest advice to you would be to find some real outside and/or home-based interests that can engage your enthusiasm - I sing, and run a choir, and an arts festival, I write book reviews, I paint, belong to a poetry group, do the local publicity, am on the trustees of the community hall, and I was a school governor for 10 years. I still hate it that my life's partner is gone and that I am not as well as I would like, but I have things that keep me going.

And if your children see you engaging with life they will know that they do not need to worry about you, which I am sure is what you want for them.

Now is the moment for you to start developing such interests and activities because they are what will get you through when/if the going gets tough later on. Make those connections now. This is the moment to act.

You will be OK - you really will. But start in on the positive plans now.

The deleted post was unsympathetic but there’s a germ of truth in it. I think retiring has made you consider your mortality, reflect on what was probably the most difficult time of your DMG’s life and you are in the grip of fear. But you are actually a young woman. When you are in a better place you will be able to focus on your life, as it is now, and enjoy it. You need to find support and you will turn a corner.

On a walk last week, I was telling my friend about recent developments in Germany and London of women only living spaces. 2026 style communes basically and how that's what I'd love to do. I live alone now early 40s and that won't change through choice.

Want to join my commune in 15-20 years time, OP? Plenty companionship and your DCs can visit whenever!

I feel like this is the future we aren't planning for as women.

Thank you for you your responses. I did not read the deleted message as it had been deleted prior to me reading it.
It is difficult to understand for some maybe but my neurodiversity and past trauma it as play, I'm pretty sure. So whilst I am physically okay, I have a lot of psychological stuff going on. I hit some kind of burnout due to a lot of life stressors and with the menopause combined it has been awful. I tried taking hrt and it didn't make a difference sadly.

I have been a person to devote my life to my children. I think I find socialising generally difficult especially groups of people so the friendships I do make tend to be close but few so I haven't put a lot of effort into this. I don't like conflict or politics within groups of people. I like good in-depth conversation.
Over the past year or so, I have made efforts and have made a few more friends through an interest group but I wouldn't say they are the kind of people you can call in the middle of the night. They are lovely people but I might only see them once a week. I think this is the same with most groups. It all feels very exhausting trying to develop a large network of people. I am making efforts.
I am also going to try a few new things but I get bored and restless (maybe due to ADHD traits) and unless I feel I am making a good connection or two I tend to drop out of stuff.
Early 50's is young but I am aware my girls are growing up fast. I dread being left with an empty nest.

It does look like things are changing in regards to housing options but too slow for me. I don't think things will have changed enough over the next decade.
I am grateful. I do count my blessings. I look at what I do have. It doesn't stop the dread though.

Catspyjamas Yes please! I fear there won't be enough of them in time for me.
Somebody has to start them up. But, this kind of thing would worry me because of the dynamics, the politics potential conflict. It makes me shy away a bit. It would be another wonderful solution to consider though.

I could potentially thrive in a commune style way of living. I don't like cooking but I don't mind washing up! I can't decide whether a lovely supported living set up would suit me or not. I like the sound of homeshare because you could get to build up a good relationship with someone. However, presumably they would disappear off to work etc. during the day unless they worked from home or were early retired which would suit me better. It would be lovely to have someone to go on walks with etc or simply read or write beside. Watch a film and prepare a meal alongside. Have a natter. And not have an empty house to come home to.

Purplebuds there is something reassuring about your post and your talk of autonomy. I'm sorry you've experienced so much loss in different ways.

Mischance You sound very active but right now that sounds exhausting. I know that's the way I should be but it feels like a slog to get there.

I've realised how much of life I find a struggle. It is not down to laziness, its to do with the neurodivergence. The menopause as stripped away my scaffolding. I love my dc immensely but it is a struggle at times. I suppose I don't find life easy. Very sensitive to rejection and a whole host of other stuff.

This puts me in a vulnerable position. A live in companion would be ideal (if they were the right person) but this would cost an enormous amount of money. Beyond my income.

Honestly and kindly I think your situation is way better than a lot of people's. It's not a race to the bottom but you're young, have a husband, children and financially planning for your future. I would try and shift your thinking with private therapy or see the GP.

Whatnomilk
Yes, I understand my situation appears good. But my mental health is not good.
Whereas other people might not stress so much, I have other battles to contend with.

The GP can't help much. The NHS mental health service is useless in this regard. I am seriously on my own unless I go private. I dare say social services is the same.

I am 50, healthy, working, neurotypical with a DH and 3 young adult kids. I am dreading the time the kids leave home for good and I hope I am not widowed. Life is enjoyable when it is shared. I am resilient and know how to keep myself busy and have a large network of social connections and a few good friends. It is not the same as having a spouse and kids. It just isn’t.

However, I am choosing not to dwell on the future and enjoy the here and now today. And I can “get on with things” - so I will. I hope this makes sense

I hope you are able to change your thinking as well @dayfall676

My parents always had their own activities and friends as well as things they did together and people they knew as a couple. I think this massively helped my mother when Dad died. She still kept going to aquafit and things that were hers, whereas things which were theirs, like gardening club were more difficult.

You're young, and you've still got children you are probably having to taxi round to their own activities. But they will get more and more independent, and this gives you time to find things to do which will help you meet people and do things. That could be art classes or sports or voluntary work or whatever.

I'm in my 50s, single and childless. When I started a new job 18 months ago, I did not know who to list as my emergency contact. If I didn't make myself join classes and sports activities or anything, I would probably not speak to anyone outside of work in a normal week, and that woukd be very bad for my mental health (when i was confined to home becauseif writing off my car, i really didn't cope well,) . It might be out of my comfort zone, but I know the consequences of not meeting people IRL is worse than me finding it uncomfortable to talk to strangers.

You're in your 50s. You have the time to do regular exercise which can help protect you against declining physical health. You have time to find things to give you social contact and meet people. It's not easy, but it is something only you can fix, and if you're this worried about it now, then surely taking action will help reduce that?

Truetoself
It is not the same is it. And life is enjoyable when it is shared. Is it so wrong to say you would wish to be accommodated back into family life. This is really disapproved of but it doesn't make much sense living on your own in older age does it.
Well done for not dwelling.

Another catalyst was my eldest going away to Uni. She is in her last year now. Selfishly I hope she comes home afterwards. She doesn't mind being at home but she naturally wants to spread her wings and wishes she could live with her uni friends. I was the one to encourage her to go as I knew it would be good for her. She's loved it and thanks me for encouraging her. I am not completely selfish but know or think I know what I need. It is not easily addressed.

EBearhug
Working makes things easier in a way. You are expected to be somewhere. What you need to do is all laid on so you don't have to find stuff to do. And there is often but not always ready made social contact.
But the thought of doing my old job feels exhausting and it's full time only. And sooner or later I will have to retire and face the same situation anyway. So the fear will be the same just delayed whilst I am distracted.

As you say, you could literally not see anyone for days. It is worth the effort I agree. But for someone like me it isn't easy. Plus you could keep turning up to things and have no real connection. I suppose it is made easier by having a passion. Something you are passionate about. An interest I do have is solitary in nature but I have made a couple of friends/acquaintances through it.

I have a friend who retired at 54. She spends her time volunteering (behind the scenes at the local museum,) going to craft classes and doing craft at home, going swimming and going on walks, sometimes alone, sometimes in groups. These things give her days structure, but it's not an obligation like work is.

Another friend has medically retired at 54. He has set up his own business. Another friend of his is taking him to golf once a week, to make sure he gets out of the house and meets people that aren't just about his business. (The medical retirement means it's not easy for him to get out and about by himself, although he can.)

I was unemployed for a year at 52. It was awesome - I was fitter, as I had more time for exercise. My garden was in a much better state (even ignoring the effects of drought just now,) I went out visiting friends around the country and going to museums and art galleries and the sea. Unfortunately, it wasn't financially sustainable, and I did find another job. But I'm not worried about finding things to do when I retire. I'm not great at socialising, but I'm better at it around activities, as it means I can talk about that, and then once I've started talking, it's not so bad.

I agree, OP you should be counting your blessings. I'm 67 with an exDH, no children, no siblings, both parents dead, and will be renting for life and I'm not stressing (yet). I've lived alone for the past 25 years and am perfectly happy. I do have some money in the bank, but when it's gone it's gone. I will at some stage give my future some serious thought, at the moment I'm just hoping everything will work out, as it usually does.