Worried about living alone and companionship as I get older

[dayfall676]

Concerned about who will support me as I age (early 50's).

I realise aging is a privilege. Who knows what will happen. I didn't want to post in AIBU because I know partly I am being but I also know that this is how I am and it is very difficult to change around (taking steps with various therapy).

Menopause has come along and completely blindsided me. It is likely that I have neurodiversity (flagged high on an in-depth autism questionnaire with likely adhd traits). Late diagnosed. It did not occur to me that I might be ND as I always assumed I had anxiety trauma from living in a very unstable home environment. I always wanted to be a mum and in some regards I am a good mum in other regards I struggle.
Fast forward I have 3 dc - girls Aged between 12 and 21. I love being a mum. I stayed at home with all three when they were young because I wanted to be there for them unlike my own mother was for me. It is likely that at least two of my girls have ND.
It has occurred to me that I don't cope well on my own. I bumble along with day to day things and get by (that is how it feels now, I used to be much better before the menopause) I'm empathetic and I am able to support my girls emotionally.
My husband is 8 years older than me. Together we work as a team to take care of dc. No extended family. I have a couple of good friends who are also older than me.
The biggest support I need is having someone to work alongside or be a presence. I don't necessarily need them to entertain me but I do need companionship. My mood is very low currently. I have edged into early retirement on account of burnout and menopause. Trying to build a new retirement life feels incredibly difficult. It has made me think about the future and I am really scared to think I might be left alone.
I watched my grandmother cry with loneliness after my grandfather died and my mother seemed to deteriorate dramatically during the last final 5 years of her life living alone.
I don't expect dc to care for me. I wouldn't want to intrude especially if they have partners/families of their own etc. But, on the other hand I realise I am going to need support of some kind. This would be my ideal to live with a dc whilst employing a companion
I've been thinking about the homeshare scheme that Age UK run whereby someone lives with you for very little rent on agreement of doing a few hours work each week. Supported living is another option but for some reason I'm not so keen even though there is a good rural one in the county with activities and a meeting place for meals etc. I feel that with my ND it could be a bit of minefield.
I will have a reasonable but not massive pension monthly around £3k. I do currently have savings and house is paid for and would be able to accommodate a lodger.
My anxiety is ramping up over all this. I can't seem to arrive at a solution. I think I have got existential OCD amongst everything else. It feels awful and as I say my mood can become low though I try to appear buoyant for dc. I'm afraid life will pass me by lost in this anxiety.
Do you or someone you know have something going on like this and what provisions have been made for potentially living alone.

I forgot to add, I know we are all different but the idea of having to rely on other people to make my life complete and happy is something I just don't understand.

I don’t understand why you don’t see your husband in your future?

Are you not both doing everything you can to ensure you both move into your sixties and beyond as healthily as possible? If not, you should be.

He might outlive you.

In the meantime you’re in an incredibly fortunate position. Maybe thinking about the countless elderly people who, despite their best efforts, will be living alone, in rented accommodation, on a few hundred pounds a month might put things into perspective for you?

Op if you have three children and a dh and a hobby and are worrying now ahead of time about being alone you have to start figuring out whether this is hormones driven or as you say adhd related where you need to start figuring out how to manage the everyday things more and how to be on your own and enjoy your company more

Me too! You have a husband and children (not that that is a guarantee of course) but I’d say you’re doing ok.

This is coming from someone single with no children.

I think you are bored, and ruminating on possible worst case scenarios. Organising voluntary work would give you a sense of purpose, and would help you keep things in perspective, you will also make friends and belong to something beyond your family set up. You need many layers of belonging in my view to be happy, with others that share similar values. The friendships will deepen naturally, and maybe one of those people in due course will become a 3am friend.

Get to the gym, keep very fit, and start to consider what dreams and ambitions you have beyond your own children. I am in a similar position, and I am not looking at the end, but rather the beginning! I am going to travel, and make the most of the opportunity! You could live for another four or five decades op, and are only mid way. Develop the parts of you that have been overshadowed by motherhood.

I would stay focused on your privilege, and how lucky you are to have your own home and three children. You have many options. Use them wisely.

Not the point of the thread but your pension is not modest at £3k a month OP, that's very generous. I'm not sure how you're drawing it down already if you're early 50s though, as the earliest age you can do this is 55.

That aside, you're worrying about a lot of things that may not pan out. Your DH is still alive but you seem to be foreseeing a lonely single life that may not even happen. Are you prone to anxious worrying?

You have three children, a husband and friends. What more do you think you need? I don't mean that in a snarky way but genuinely, why are you making trouble for yourself that doesn't exist and may never exist?

I think you need to start living in the now and exploring mindfulness, meditation and gratitude journalling.
If you can't afford therapy there is so much you can do for yourself with a bit of googling.
You need to work on changing your mindset and seeing the positives in your life.

Once you are feeling more positive then you can gently start making plans for your future but where you are at the moment you are just catastrophising and missing out on a time when actually things aren't so bad.

Nome of us knows what our later lives will look like so, yes, some future proofing is good but just sitting & dreading it won't help.
Get out in nature, exercise a bit more, look for positives in your day and write them down, smile more, listen to positive thinking podcasts.
Changing your mindset is the way forward for you at this point.

I think this is your anxiety talking. I am the same age as you with no partner, 2 DCs and (I hope this doesn’t come across in the wrong way) read thinking wtaf? Firstly you hopefully have years ahead of you and your anxiety (about what, I still can’t work out what’s not great about your position) is robbing you of what sounds like a great life both now and in the future. You have paid your house off (I still have a hefty mortgage to pay, you’ll have 3k a month to spend on what you like, you have 3 DCs.

Seriously Op you are in a far better position than so many other posters on here. Please find a therapist to talk to so you can stop this.

I agree, it's anxiety which I understand being slightly further into my 50s. It's a known menopause symptom and it can really screw with your ability to look at things rationally.

I too think you aren't in a terrible position, OP. You have a partner and three kids, there is no reason at this point to be assuming you will be left completely alone & struggling in old age.

Positive thinking is what's needed.

This.

You literally have a husband and 3 children.

I'm childfree and live completely alone, like many others on here. It's an entirely different situation.

Agreed. I’m a bit older, no partner, no DC and a lot smaller pension than OP. I think you’re being a bit self-indulgent OP and over-stating how much more difficult things are for you than for other people. You can clearly make friends and sustain relationships.

I think you are catastrophising because your life is changing so quickly and beyond your control.

If you were left alone, would you consider selling up and moving to a retirement complex? There's one near me, where the residents have their own self contained flats but can socialise - there's a shop etc onsite and it's near a busy market town. Because everyone is in the same boat - active, retired but ageing, there's a good network of people who watch out for each other. So you can live as separately as you like but also be involved in a community.

You might never need it. But the more you look into possibilities for things that you 'could' do in the future, the more you will feel in control of your life and that might help the anxiety levels.

OP, you have had a lot of changes in a short time - menopause, one child off to uni, job changes, ND diagnosis. Unsurprisingly, you have anxiety. The anxiety happens to have fixed onto your fears for later life, but if it wasn’t that, it would be something else eg worried about your DH losing his job etc.

Please, look into private therapy and possibly anti anxiety meds.

How long have you been retired? DH retired a couple of years ago, I've cut down over the last year and finished work in May. DH found it hard to adjust as I was working, and he'd been expecting me spend the rest of my time doing fun things with him, and sometimes I just wanted to crash out. I'll admit I had the odd day when I didn't really know what I was going to do with my day when I first stopped work

Moving forward, DH and I do spend a lot more time together and I'm conscious that when one of us goes it's going to be so much harder than when one of us also had a work focus and other people around us, as we spend a lot of time together.

Reach out to your friends, try and start seeing them more. Also, what hobbies do you have or things you're passionate around - take guilt free time out for those more. Would you be up for volunteering - there are lots of things around and that would get you out doing something and also meeting others.

I've got a quiet day today. Housework is up to date. DH has gone to the gym. I've just done an online tai chi class. I do need to go food shopping at some point, but I'm going for a walk first (I don't care it's raining) and will pop into one of our local cafes - sometimes you see another regular and end up having a chat, but I'm usually happy to crash out with my book (that's one of my passions and they go everywhere with me). It does me good to get out, I like the exercise and enjoy a coffee out, so I do it. If it's stopped raining this afternoon, I'd like to do some gardening and then read my book. I'm sure DH will come back and suggest something. The thing is I have a choice right now, but I'm aware in a future on my own, I think I'll feel I'm doing it as I can't be on my own in the house, rather than because I'm really want to.

Other days, if DH and I aren't doing anything together, I'll see friends, do one of my three exercise classes, hill walk, cycle, read. Next month I'm going to volunteer for a charity that supports disabled people through animal contact - hopefully I can bring a smile to someone else's face, I'll love working with the particualar animal and I'll meet others.

I really recognise this story. Have you posted this before OP?

It sounds like what you are expecting out of another human in the future is more like a pet.

Have you thought about moving in to someone else’s house on your later years and being their companion? Someone you don’t know that well?

Would you do it?

You have a husband he is your companion. And three daughters.

What about a dog? They are the ultimate loyal companion alongside you all the time. Walking and training them would give you a reason to get up and structure your day, pets are proven to lower anxiety and stress.

Well, of course the friends you made via an interest over the past year aren’t people you could call in the middle of the night — they’re still at the acquaintance stage if you only see them weekly at the activity! It will take longer than that to develop friendships, and obviously the majority won’t become close friends. Are there people among this group you particularly like and would like to see outside of the activity?

It concerns me slightly that you seem to see friends in terms of generic types who will fulfil your need for companionship. That’s not how it works. What do you bring to potential friendships, PP? What type of people do you like?

You have a husband and 3 children, plus some friends, so quite why you are anticipating a life of loneliness, I’m not sure. You also, if I read it correctly, have £3k a month pension, which is not modest, it’s a fortune (especially as you are already mortgage free in your early 50s). I have never earned that much in my life! Use some of that money to buy yourself some mental health support. Perhaps you are depressed and could get better and enjoy your remaining decades.

You are catastrophising over a future that may never happen.

You are filling your head with anxious thoughts and perhaps spoiling 'today'?

I think that your constant repetition of your neurodivergency is telling - I've no idea how it affects your life but are you using it as a prop to explain how your thoughts are spiralling down? As you are still relatively young, are you able to put processes in place that would help you overcome the negativity that is exacerbated by your ND? Can you live with it rather than let it control you? Apologies if this seems insensitive, it comes from a good place.

Thank you all for your responses. Sometimes it isn't easy to read what you don't want to but I'm open to it as this is the way forward for growth.

I am seeking some further advice regarding the state of my mental health.
I am having to do this on a private basis. What I have lived with over the decades and thought was anxiety, is actually far more and far more layered. I am hoping I will be prescribed some medication which could be effective, it could make a difference to my life if this happens.

My ND makes it difficult for me to function sometimes. I've realised this and been thrown into a panic state. My husband is supportive on a practical and financial level but not emotionally. I have a good friend who has been supporting me emotionally but I think I've worn them out with all my looping angst, trying to make sense of things. I do need help and I recognise that.

I need to open my world up. I feel fatigued with the amount of stress I have experienced over the last couple of years in relation to various life events, it is difficult to recuperate. There is also a thing called autistic burnout which can completely floor someone.

I'm planning to join a gym and I have another sport I like to do but there is currently a barrier to that which I'm trying to overcome. Nothing is easy is it.
Helping others would help me but I'm cautious about this having been a people pleaser. I'm also worried I'll start something and become bored with it (a classic adhd symptom hence need my dopamine levels looked at).
There is a project I would like to undertake. It is a bit daunting and I'm not in the right place to begin it but it is a consideration.
I guess I feel incredibly isolated. Lacking adult/supportive company though I appreciate the effort of my good friend, they cannot be my only source for both our sakes.
Yes, money is very helpful it would be foolish to say otherwise but it doesn't answer everything like good physical/mental health and having a tribe of supportive people around you.

I’m late 50’s with 2 adult kids and a lovely husband and although I absolutely don’t know what I would do without him, I don’t obsess over it. I guess I’d just have to deepen my relationships with girlfriends and hope that I have grandchildren I can see.. ie make a life for myself.

Instead of worrying about what I may not have one day, I am grateful for what I have now, and want to enjoy every day.