Could I have a hand hold as I grieve the life I hoped I'd have

[Movingthroughit]

Hello, grateful for any thoughts or perspectives on this as I've been feeling really lonely today

I left an abusive marriage in my twenties and hoped life would improve afterwards, but to be honest it hasn't

I've had lots of counselling and therapy, a few rounds of ADs, worked on my friendships, volunteered, done lots of bad dating but life feels like a continuous struggle

I'm a lower earner but have been blocked from promotions at work due to staffing issues, I scraped enough money together to buy a house in a tricky area but don't have enough to do it up

No romantic relationships have stuck so I now find myself in my late 30s and it's looking unlikely that the partner/children thing will work out for me

I'm surrounded by friends with solid partnerships which they have earned by weathering the storms of life, whereas I walked away

Ivf not an option due to finances/ not feeling robust enough to be an intentional single parent

Sorry this is so long, but I guess I just need a hand hold to accept that this is my life, it hasn't worked out, and my character/temperament/tendency to depression means it's best I learn to accept a small, limited life as a form of damage control. Every attempt at self improvement or self progression has ended up back firing, and in my heart of hearts I know that just living quietly, paying the mortgage and plodding on week by week is going to be as good as it gets for me and that that is enough

I don't mean that to be all 'woe is me', it's more a truth I know I need to accept

I'd be grateful for any thoughts on how to live with this level of grief and if anyone has made peace with not having a life of comfort or kindness just through sheer unluckiness

Thanks in advance if you got this far

I totally agree that luck and chance play a huge part in how our lives turn out. Lots of what you describe is simply not your fault. You view your work on growth as a failure but it's clearly been successful because you write with insight and honesty about your life. You are doing the best you can with the hand you've been dealt, no one can do more. I found The Chimp Paradox incredibly helpful in working out what was within and not within my control. I admire your quiet resolve and I bet there are those around you who do as well. Good luck, nothing stays the same for ever x.

So sorry you’ve been through some crappy experiences OP. But you’ve shown that you are strong and will not put up with certain situations and you know your worth. Good on you. I can’t see into your future, I haven’t got a crystal ball, but I really hope that just around the corner is mr Right. Sounds like you deserve someone who will treat you right, light up your life and bring joy. Or, at the very least, you find new friends or something happens at work which changes things. Wishing you all the luck in the world

It sucks OP when effort vs reward ratio is working hard to get nowhere. They say even when you can’t change your situation you can always change your attitude towards it. Knowing too that even if you got the things you want there might be new challenges helps. Plus reflecting on how far you’ve come. Buying your own pad is a big accomplishment and one day you’ll be able to get it how you like hopefully. For many of us the main luck we’ve had has been bad but you sound a great person to me and maybe set yourself wee goals and achievable treats. When life sucks it’s imperative you are extra extra kind and good to yourself.

Op you sound strong.

You had the strength and sense to leave an abusive marriage.

You've bought your own home, doing it up will happen in time, remember it doesn't have to be perfect straight away.

You recognized bad dating for what it was, you didn't just settle for any shit that came along.

It may be a low paying job now, but at least it's a job. It's easier to get a different job while you're already working.

Other peoples lives may look good from the outside, inside maybe a far different story.

You really can change how you view things, you can decide how you feel. Remember when life gives you lemons make lemonade.

Deep breath, chin up and find the positive in life.

Get a pet.

You've had such lovely and thoughtful advice from people on this thread OP, I hope it helps.

I just wanted to add to something someone else said - "You really can change how you view things, you can decide how you feel." - I agree with this 100%. It might sound a bit woo but honestly I'd recommend doing meditation to change your outlook on life. If it's something you're interested in I'd suggest you read up on Joe Dispenza and try some of his meditations.

You're not even 40 yet, plenty of miles left on the clock and you just never know where life might lead at the most unexpected times

I'm really sorry you feel that way and I can see how upsetting it would be, so this isn't to minimise your struggles, but maybe put a positive spin on it. High flying careers and/or children are immensely stressful. Lots of people quietly live in regret for chasing the career and ending up with a huge mortgage and being accustomed to a certain level of living that makes it hard for them to step down. Same with children, it's relentless and some people feel they're missing out on living life for themselves. Try and enjoy the freedom. There's nothing wrong with walking away from things when they get tough, for some people that is the life they are meant to have, just going with the flow and being more of a free spirit. Go for walks in nature and take time to enjoy it, exercise, have fun with your friends. You can make your home nice on the cheap, a few furnishings/photos/trinkets that make you smile can help you enjoy your home more.

Sorry op, I don’t have any advice but sending you my best wishes and fingers crossed you win the lottery.

What do you mean blocked from promotions? The first thing I’d be looking at is changing my job. If not an option could you study? Get a second job for awhile?

Much sympathy OP, it is very hard when you near the end of your childbearing years and feel that it’s unlikely to happen. Perhaps a lot of your grief at the moment is about that?

I too live an extremely small life due to completely losing my health when I was mid-20s (I’m now in my early 60s). It’s not the life I expected or hoped for, and with a tendency towards depression as well, I’ve been unhappy for long periods during my life. I’m not unhappy now, and yes I do have a partner, but we met later in life and I’ve had to accept that certain things aren’t going to be in that relationship, such as having a family or a home together.

I think the things that get me through are avoiding comparison as much as possible, if necessary by keeping my distance from people who seem to have it all; and having little projects, ideally creative ones. Nothing big as I don’t have the energy but an achievable project would be making parts of my home nicer, very slowly and bit by bit. If I had more energy I would sink it into a bigger project or volunteering, and this might be the way to go for you if you have any energy left over after work.

Also being as kind to yourself as you would be to anyone that you loved deeply- it’s easy to say that, but you can be unsupportive and judgmental towards yourself without realising and I hear a bit of that in your post. If you make the shift towards self love and self care, somehow it gets easier to forgive yourself for not having the things you hoped for, and in time your grief will shift and you’ll appreciate what you’ve survived, and achieved.

Don’t give up on the potential partner, by the way - I was 48 when I met mine, and he was worth the wait.

I think you sound awesome. Living a life of authenticity, you’ve managed to buy your own home despite challenges.

So much can happen, change, develop, improve.

Well first of all congratulations for buying your own property. That is s huge achievement.

Being a single parent can be tough on your own. I felt like you in my late 30s and could have afforded IVF. I have no regrets. I am enjoying life. Friends are struggling with teens and some have ND children and obviously others have been blessed with healthy happy children.

Try and do things that make you feel good.

It wouldn't be right to bring a child into a difficult life. You've made the right decision there. You'll be far better off financially, as well, so may be able to provide quite a beautiful life for yourself as time goes on.

You sound like you've got a full life and love to give, would you consider fostering?

I have decided not to have children due to unstable mental health. I do find that sad but know I would not cope with the stresses of raising a child.
Please know your life is not ruined. You have so much time to make new relationships, have new experiences, learn new things.

Thank you everyone.

I really appreciate the replies and I have found them all very helpful on a lonely day.

To answer a few questions, I can't foster as I have a one bedroom house (it is tiny).

A pet is an excellent idea but I'm on a very busy main road with no garden so it's tricky

Job wise, it feels safer for me to stick with something predictable that I know I can do on my bad days iyswim.

Thank you again for sharing, and lots of love to those who feel similarly. I will think on all your responses and use the suggestions.

Leaving an abusive relationship is huge, it takes strength and power. Abuse isn’t a storm anyone should weather, you were right to leave. That trauma will have left its mark, because that’s what trauma does. If you’re open to books I’m going to suggest What Doesn’t Kill You by Stephen Joseph. It’s a very easy read, practical book that helps you pick through trauma. The author has done extensive research on post traumatic growth and the book has a wealth of knowledge without being dismissive or twee.

Thank you

I think what I struggle with is that divorce was years ago but it still ricochets through me on a daily basis

I think you need to stop looking inwardly and examining yourself and your reactions and project outwardly.

You are putting yourself down, talking about acceptance, grief, depression, smallness, a limited life, plodding, being unlucky.

You need to make your own luck OP. You are your own magic wand. If you can, stand in a high place where you live. Stand tall, breathe deeply and survey everything around you and own it.

Smile. Hold your head high. Stop looking at your feet. Try not to use the word ‘self’. Think ‘we’. Be bigger than just you. Say ‘yes’ to everything. Good luck.

Luck has a huge part to play in everyone's life, you can only go with the decision which seems right at the time.
My mother has just died- she was married 5 times with about that many long term lovers as well, she was never happy with any of them, she did contribute substantially to this- so I never had a huge amount of sympathy.
Clearing out her papers I found she wants a poem read at her wake- which describes exactly how she was, I never realised she had that level of self knowledge, it made me cry for the first time since she died. The poem is The Man That Didn't Fit by Robert Service, maybe some people don't have the disposition to be happy.

I'm holding your hand Op. I'm 41, single and childless so I know how it feels. The grief and emptiness can hit hard.

I don't know what advice to give. I'm working on my confidence and self-worth. I wish I didn't worry about the future, and I try to tell myself to enjoy today. If I could change my mindset, I would be fine.

It's not fair the cards we have been dealt. Much of the trauma stems from our childhoods, and then we tend to attract similar abuse as adults.

I have also turned to God and tell myself we are not here forever

Gosh what a poem OP. I am so sorry for your loss

I'm not sure I agree though that 'It's the steady, quiet, plodding ones/ Who win in the lifelong race'. I'm not sure there are any winners

Thank you.
All wins in life are qualified.
You are right there are winners and losers of all different outlooks, my Mum was always jealous of people steadier than she was (myself included) which is why she thought that was the answer.

That’s what trauma does, it brings the past into the present in all kinds of ways. You said you’ve done lots of therapy, has any of that been with a trauma specialist? Recovery from trauma needs a trauma lens to understand why you react to situations in the way that you do, which then helps you overcome it. Otherwise you’re trying to heal a broken leg by splinting your arm.

Stop letting the feeling from the divorce take hold of any more of your time.
Look only on the positives.

Be grateful every day for your eyesight, health, job and house.
If you are sad to have no partner and children, then get moving and watch out for opportunities. Speed date, join new groups that do things you enjoy.
Join a swimming group.

Volunteer teaching kids to swim.
Volunteer looking after a nature reserve near your home. Do something for others.

Walk in trees. Observe birds.
The World is SO beautiful and you are living amongst it; also a beautiful part of it.