Could I have a hand hold as I grieve the life I hoped I'd have

[Movingthroughit]

Hello, grateful for any thoughts or perspectives on this as I've been feeling really lonely today

I left an abusive marriage in my twenties and hoped life would improve afterwards, but to be honest it hasn't

I've had lots of counselling and therapy, a few rounds of ADs, worked on my friendships, volunteered, done lots of bad dating but life feels like a continuous struggle

I'm a lower earner but have been blocked from promotions at work due to staffing issues, I scraped enough money together to buy a house in a tricky area but don't have enough to do it up

No romantic relationships have stuck so I now find myself in my late 30s and it's looking unlikely that the partner/children thing will work out for me

I'm surrounded by friends with solid partnerships which they have earned by weathering the storms of life, whereas I walked away

Ivf not an option due to finances/ not feeling robust enough to be an intentional single parent

Sorry this is so long, but I guess I just need a hand hold to accept that this is my life, it hasn't worked out, and my character/temperament/tendency to depression means it's best I learn to accept a small, limited life as a form of damage control. Every attempt at self improvement or self progression has ended up back firing, and in my heart of hearts I know that just living quietly, paying the mortgage and plodding on week by week is going to be as good as it gets for me and that that is enough

I don't mean that to be all 'woe is me', it's more a truth I know I need to accept

I'd be grateful for any thoughts on how to live with this level of grief and if anyone has made peace with not having a life of comfort or kindness just through sheer unluckiness

Thanks in advance if you got this far

Oh darling, you should be so proud of yourself. To be able to afford a house as a low income earner and set yourself up in that way is an incredible feat.

My life completely fell apart in my early 40s. I lost everything. I felt like there was no hope, but now in my late 40s I have built things back up again. I would never have thought it was possible, but one small step at a time things slowly improved. You are younger than you feel right now with a lot of future ahead of you, things can still work out for you, I promise.

https://youtube.com/@lanaserenelife?si=5GnwpjeXUY0HhpKT - mid-late 20's

https://youtube.com/@singlewithms?si=mE6DPsP_YhgEdn3S - age 30's

https://youtube.com/@dramafreediaries?si=wbMkhALSGklziEw3 - age 40's, left domestic violence

Have you came across the corner of the internet of women living alone with no friends?

I like watching these ladies above on youtube shorts.

Maybe these channels will give you some comfort and solidarity knowing the life you are living isnt neccessarily "typical" by mainstreem society pressure, but it doesnt need to be miserable.

These ladies on their channels normalise and are unashamed of living alone with no friends, its often nice comments too of similar minded people x

Also for private therapists look on these sites as they have to be properly registered.
https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/

https://www.bacp.co.uk/

I personally would suggest targeting an older female therapist who has years and years of experience and is a trained psychotherapist as personally feel they are best equipped to untangle trauma.

You deserve to find your worth first and think about a relationship second.

Good luck and best wishes to you x

This. I have a few friends who have had babies in their 40’s. You can turn things around op. You’re incredibly strong. You have turned things around so much. Cut yourself some slack Xx

It sounds like you are doing a great job of getting on with your life. I know that friends in 30s and 40s can be very distracted by their own busy schedules but if you can be flexible with them, they might turn out to be a wonderful chosen family that will enrich your life in the future. I took this approach. I later met my partner through one friend and now we’re all older, I have a fantastic gang of friends too.

Inspiration will come to you and you'll find something. This grief will pass and on a clearer day you'll open up to something.

Just to add, I got a kitten at the beginning of this year with the intention of it being an outdoor cat. But you have to keep it inside for 6 months, by the time that came around I didnt want to let her out as was worried for her and so now she is an indoor cat and she is quite happy! So maybe you should consider a little kitten.

I have a hallway door upon entering main door so its 2 doors to get in and out, do you have something like that to stop kitten escaping? I think a wee kitten is lovely and doable if thats something you genuinly wanted to explore x