DH takes son’s normal teen behaviour too personally

[CocSoc]

I’m really struggling with my DH and our DS’s relationship. DS is 16 and a typical teen. He’s a nice lad!… I work with teens and know that all of DS’s behaviours are completely normal!… sulky, one word answers, not very appreciative, lazy. But he’s also chatty, pleasant, playful, very calm and very chilled. Lovely to his younger sister (12), never gets angry and will do anything that’s asked of him… without back chat.

But DH thinks he’s dopey and apathetic. He takes it personally if ds gives grumpy one word answers, or if he’s doesn’t seem appreciative. For example we’re currently on a 4 week trip around Europe and DH gets annoyed and argumentative if ds doesn’t want to do certain things like get out of bed before 10! Or go on a certain trip. DH thinks he’s not wanting to spend time with us as a family, saying ‘what was the point in him coming’, or ‘I’m not bringing him next time’ I then need to talk to dh about compromise. Ds has been taking part in a lot of family time. I get it. It’s a bit much spending all your time with the same people. We all need down time away… ds just needs more because he’s a teen

I think he’s really struggling with the independent teen stage, and is taking it all personally. I feel like I’m constantly defending ds, when he’s not actually doing anything wrong. It’s frustrating and tiring. And honestly hurtful.

I don’t think this is a fair comment. Sorry.

He’s not being anti-social. He’s just been a teen. He’s up by 10 each morning… yes will some encouragement. But again, that’s normal. Then we’re usually back around 6ish. Tired after a day of activity. Then he chills in his room or on the sofa.

It is a reality check he needs. He’s been much better today. He didn’t sleep much last night due to worrying about his relationship with ds. So he understands, but it’s often in hindsight.

I have. He can get defensive. But the come round…. But then it’ll happen again another few days or week later. It’s a cycle which is frustrating. He needs to just chill out.

I do worry what their relationship will be like when ds is an adult.

I think (hope) ds will go with friends next year.

They are enjoying the activity. When we’re out and about. But dh just seems to want to do family stuff all the time and stick together. It’s suffocating. Such as he is now wondering why no one wants to sit in the lounge and watch a film together….. probs because we’ve been together all day and want a bit of down time.

Yes 4 wills has been too long. You live and learn!

Yes… i was the same at that age. My folks did walking holidays or beach holidays. I didn’t want to go at 16, so didn’t. But the sport we are doing this summer is the biggest part of the holiday and ds would not want to miss the opportunity at all.

I didn’t think so too.

I think this is the main issue…. Dh wanting to make the most of them before they’re adults. But still treating them like younger kids.

I think it’s more due to dh having had a rubbish relationship with his own dad, who was strict and overbearing… ironically, dh shows similar signs. But not half as bad. I daren’t say this to him though. ( his dad used to hit him)

I just think he’s super keen to have a relationship that he becomes a bit suffocating and offended if ds wants to do something else without him

Are you on a cycling holiday?
Gosh, I can't imagine spending 4 weeks with my family (or anyone) on holiday doing an activity every day. I would need some time on my own and holidays for me are about rest and relaxation, not about being up and out.

On our last couple of holidays, DH and I have got up and done what we want to do and DD has got up and joined us when she is ready because it's her holiday too. On our last holiday, she went out with friends and came back to the hotel at 6am then slept most of the day. Your DH would have been fuming!

Yeah. DH Mountain biking. Ds is more than happy to do the activity every day. We all are! Just dh is struggling with the different energy levels… he’s wanting to ‘make the most of it’ and be up and out for first lifts at 9. Whereas ds is happy to chill until 10-11. They also want to explore or do different trails and dh is telling it personally if ds wants to do something differently, thinking he’s snubbing him. Which he isn’t. He’s just independent.

Your DH needs to realise that it’s not about him, it’s about your DS being his own person, with his own likes, dislikes, wants and needs. His way isn’t the only way and he needs to meet DS half way.He has to stop taking it all so personally, because it will eventually become about him and his behaviour will be what keeps DS away. I know it’s easier said than done. Reframe it as DS choosing his own path(sometimes literally) , rather than rejecting him.The harder he clings, the more your DS will withdraw.

I am sorry but didn't you agreed in advance how the holiday was supposed to go?

When you have activities then a lie-in to 10am is just not ok. Nobody should rush or get annoyed because one person can't be bothered to ensure the day is running properly.

Yes, holidays with teens are different but a nearly 17 year old should be over the worst and accept that if you agree to a certain style of holiday you ensure it works for all. And that also means respect to the rest of the family and that means no sulking and more than one word answers.

We did holidays where we had days DD preferred to just stay in and slumb and DH and I did a trip ourselves. But in general we ensured the week or weeks went according to plan especially if trips or activities were already paid for.

I don't see how this makes your DH right and your DS wrong - which is obviously the approach your DH is taking.

When you have activities then a lie-in to 10am is just not ok. Nobody should rush or get annoyed because one person can't be bothered to ensure the day is running properly.

But you could just as easily say that nobody should rush or get annoyed because one person can't chill out a bit. It's a holiday, not a training scheme / boot camp.

I hope your husband grows up before the next holiday. Tbh he sounds insufferable.

I dont agree. It is their holiday too and 4 weeks is a long time

I think your husband is sounding like a bully here and he's going to damage his relationship with his son.

Me and my sister went on holiday to Switzerland with our parents when we were late teens.

We had some amazing trips out together and had a lovely time but there were also a couple of days when we just wanted to have a quiet day so our parents went off on a trip for the day and we had a lovely chilled day back at the camp site swimming in the lake. Sometimes we'd go off to a cafe and have something to eat and our parents would choose something else.

I am an adult and would find four weeks very intense and need some time on my own and some days were I didn't have to rush.
I don't think your son has done much wrong.
It's not just your Dh's holiday it's everyone's. He's being too controlling.

Some say that parents with a teen the same sex as them will always have issues with each other at this stage and it's totally normal, it's nature's way of getting them ready to grow up and have their own partner, either it'll be this way, or you'll have the opposite- a parent who expects their teen to be their best friend and emotionally stunts them.

It depends how you organise your day and what was planned. You need to talk and then come up with a plan. The OP's DH and their son seem to have different views about what they want to do with their day.

If getting up at 10am means no cycling until 12 or similar (based on how long my DD would need from getting up to being ready on holiday) means that 1/2 day is gone, a ride can only be shorter than maybe thought and depending on the weather, I wouldn't want to start in the middle of the hot time of day. By noon I would need lunch while my child may still be full from a very late breakfast so again - things just don't add up and the day feels wasted.

The issue the OP has is that it seems nobody talked about expectations.

When DD wants a lie-in, doesn't want to commit or we don't have anything planned then DH and I will just do our own thing and catch up with her at one point during the day, no issues. Unless there was a plan agreed in advance and then I expect people to stick to it.

He sounds like a typical 16 year old boy. I wonder whether some posters haven't any experience of teenagers ( I used to be one doesn't count).

I think you've accepted that four weeks is too long, and you might be wrong about it being a last chance family holiday , my DC came on family holidays abroad up to being early 20s. Still come for the odd UK break. However we never did more than a week and the holiday was chosen with their preferences in mind. I assume your DS enjoys the biking but perhaps didn't expect it to be so full on.

I wouldn't dream of making a teenager get up early on holiday and I really think they should have the choice of doing the activity or staying behind for the day. Blimey I'd rebel if someone tried to make me get up at a particular time on holiday every single day.

Me too! And I’m far from 16. I actually feel on the lads side here.

I’m on my ds’s side too.

dh seems to have chilled for the past couple of days, and they are getting on well. We don’t have long left, so hopefully dh doesn’t start stressing again about making the most of the time.

4 weeks is a long holiday! 10 am is not late.