DH takes son’s normal teen behaviour too personally

[CocSoc]

I’m really struggling with my DH and our DS’s relationship. DS is 16 and a typical teen. He’s a nice lad!… I work with teens and know that all of DS’s behaviours are completely normal!… sulky, one word answers, not very appreciative, lazy. But he’s also chatty, pleasant, playful, very calm and very chilled. Lovely to his younger sister (12), never gets angry and will do anything that’s asked of him… without back chat.

But DH thinks he’s dopey and apathetic. He takes it personally if ds gives grumpy one word answers, or if he’s doesn’t seem appreciative. For example we’re currently on a 4 week trip around Europe and DH gets annoyed and argumentative if ds doesn’t want to do certain things like get out of bed before 10! Or go on a certain trip. DH thinks he’s not wanting to spend time with us as a family, saying ‘what was the point in him coming’, or ‘I’m not bringing him next time’ I then need to talk to dh about compromise. Ds has been taking part in a lot of family time. I get it. It’s a bit much spending all your time with the same people. We all need down time away… ds just needs more because he’s a teen

I think he’s really struggling with the independent teen stage, and is taking it all personally. I feel like I’m constantly defending ds, when he’s not actually doing anything wrong. It’s frustrating and tiring. And honestly hurtful.

Please explain how exactly he sounds unbearable and ungrateful.

By being grumpy,ligging in bed,not interacting on the holiday,just been generally anti social. He would drive me mad. Sounds absolutely ungrateful, lots of kids will never get a holiday because their parents cant afford it and would love this kind of holiday.

Take your husband aside and have a sharp word with him, he’s going to lose his sons relationship if he pulls him up on everything
You need to explain your son is an adult who chose to come on holiday and he definitely will not be choosing another one if your husband doesn’t back off
Would he treat a friend like this on holiday? Remind him how well your sons doing , polite, kind to his sister, just because he wants a long lie in occasionally Christ it’s not the army training camp it’s a holiday! Sometimes husbands need a reality check he’s not drinking or doing drugs he simply wanted to cycle another path! He needs to loosen up!

DH needs to back off.

Ask him what he wants his future relationship with DS to look like.

You completely made that particular description up though. Occasionally, over 4 weeks some of those things happened. Just like they would at home. Just like an adult would sometimes.

We get on well as a family but you’ve gone too far with 4 weeks! Two weeks max next year.

His expectations are too high. My mother was the same. Summer holiday I turned 12 and I genuinely didn’t understand what I was doing wrong as my mother pretty much shouted at me every day on that holiday. I think she was basically angry I wasn’t a cute litttle girl any more. I remember being genuinely perplexed and upset as I didn’t know what I was doing wrong. It was horrible.

Also what’s wrong with teens sleeping in? It’s their holiday not a boot camp.

Well, on the plus side you know that 4 weeks is too long for a holiday.

my ExH was like this and now our kids are adults their relationship has suffered as a result.

pointing this out to him - that constant conflict wasn’t helpful - didn’t do anything to help the situation though so I wouldn’t bother.

in all honesty it sounds like both dh and your teen are not enjoying the holiday so rather than defending your teen I’d go with saying to dh that maybe this is the last family holiday and next year you go away without your teen.

does your teen go away with his friends at all? Camping, scout camp, festivals, abroad? If so then he can carry on with that next year.

I suspect both your teen and your dh are not enjoying the holiday.

NEither of mine would have come on holiday with me at 16. Nor would I have gone with my parents. 16 is the age for breaking away from family and developing his own sense of self. 16 year olds need their friends not a month away with parents. So your DH sounds a prat

I’m very lucky that my older children still want to come on holiday with us they have gone with friends too in the past but we treat them like adults , join us if you want, have a long lie if you want, what way would you choose cycle ? it’s their holiday too!
Agree with poster I’d ask him what kind of relationship does your husband want going forward? If he wants a good one he needs to back off

The son sounds pretty normal to me. The odd 10am wake up on holiday and wanting a bit of personal space away from everyone...doesn't sound extreme!

Yes we had just under 2 weeks with 17 and 19 year olds. Then back to friends / boyfriends / festivals. Any longer wouldn’t have worked. They happy to chill with us in nice places but not for too long!

I feel for you though there is a readjustment that you are not a family unit with powerful all in charge parents with 2 biddable kids you are practically neatly 4 adults.

Mid teen we got up and did sight seeing got back about 11 as they were getting up. No point forcing them. Plus your dh needs to be told ds won’t come again if dad is too domineering. Sounds like he hasn’t realised everything has changed and not got with the new program.

The only thing that had any impact with my DH was explaining that he would ruin his relationship with DS if he carried on the way he was.

Also point out your DS is doing very well on a 4 week activity holiday with parents away from his friends at this age. Does he need to do every activity with you? Can your son have a bit of independence one day? Might help all round.

I get that we want to make the most of of these holidays which may be the last. What has worked better for us is more shorter trips. So we did skiing then just a week over summer. City breaks for a a couple of days are good.

My DH took the boys off for a few days climbing and I stayed home alone (bliss!!!). You have to mix things up as they get older. For this holiday I would have a chat with your DH and then try and give your DS a bit more space and independence.

Your DS sounds an entirely typical teen OP and I completely agree with your approach.

Interesting that your DH doesn't view his daughter's impending typical teen behaviour in the same light as his son's. I wonder if there is a "locking of antlers" element to this, with your DH feeling threatened by his son becoming a young man, and taking this out on him.

Your DH needs to appreciate that DS is no longer a small biddable child but a young man with autonomy over his own decisions if he wants to maintain a good relationship with his son into adulthood.

FWIW, my DS spent the summer at age 16 seeing his friends, working, playing sport, going to concerts erc. He would not have wanted a 4-week family holiday! I'd say a week max next year.

All the best OP.

At 16, your DS is more than fine to be left alone for a day whilst the rest are doing something else.

At those ages, DH and I were doing things together and the DC chilled at the accommodation or did their own things.

Doesn't everyone needs some space during a 4 week activity holiday?

Personally I don't see wanting to sleep a bit later while on holiday and sometimes wanting some alone time as objectively "bad behaviour". If they are then I must be a very badly-behaved adult.

I also think it's destructive to relationships when parents (often fathers) treat an entirely subjective difference of opinion between them and their offspring as if the child is objectively disobedient.

This sounds like my life!

I feel for these oldest children and can relate! So they often get it in the neck while some parents take time to adjust to the fact they are no longer little children but autonomous people with their own views.

Htf could I have made it up!!? I don't know the child,iam going on the mothers description of her son!

She very clearly said he was up most days and joining in activities from 9.30-10am which is pretty good for a teen. Occasionally he doesn’t want to - again normal.

It sounds like an intense 4 week activity holiday with no alone time for anyone. Most teens would have had some grumpy moments! I would have needed some alone time!

I think a lie in on holiday til 10am is perfectly acceptable.... especially if you're out very late the night before. It's whatever works for your family

Agreed! I need this too and I'm over 50 ha!

My DH has the disadvantage that I knew him as a teenager and can remind him that our son actually behaves much better as a teenager than he did.

I’d be having a chat with your MIL, I bet she has some stories that would shut him up

I don't agree. A 10am get up is not unreasonable - you're on holiday. Wanting time on your own occasionally is also not unreasonable at any age

It makes me sad too!… i want to support dh, but i also want to defend ds!… I’m dreading when dd is older. But I’m hoping he will have chilled out a bit more by then!

We had a much better day today. Both dh and ds compromised a bit better. Although ds is a bit impatient, waiting for us faffers to get sorted with kit throughout the day, then he just rides off! Which dh has pulled him up on, but not felt offended by it.

Is the personal offence dh takes that we struggle with

I’m by entirely sure about this. He’s a pretty chilled teen. He just had his own mind, which is fair. He just needs to be aware that there are others to take in to account every now and again. Most teens I know are typically ego centric