DH takes son’s normal teen behaviour too personally

[CocSoc]

I’m really struggling with my DH and our DS’s relationship. DS is 16 and a typical teen. He’s a nice lad!… I work with teens and know that all of DS’s behaviours are completely normal!… sulky, one word answers, not very appreciative, lazy. But he’s also chatty, pleasant, playful, very calm and very chilled. Lovely to his younger sister (12), never gets angry and will do anything that’s asked of him… without back chat.

But DH thinks he’s dopey and apathetic. He takes it personally if ds gives grumpy one word answers, or if he’s doesn’t seem appreciative. For example we’re currently on a 4 week trip around Europe and DH gets annoyed and argumentative if ds doesn’t want to do certain things like get out of bed before 10! Or go on a certain trip. DH thinks he’s not wanting to spend time with us as a family, saying ‘what was the point in him coming’, or ‘I’m not bringing him next time’ I then need to talk to dh about compromise. Ds has been taking part in a lot of family time. I get it. It’s a bit much spending all your time with the same people. We all need down time away… ds just needs more because he’s a teen

I think he’s really struggling with the independent teen stage, and is taking it all personally. I feel like I’m constantly defending ds, when he’s not actually doing anything wrong. It’s frustrating and tiring. And honestly hurtful.

That sounds really grating, you want your co-parent when you have teens to have a giggle with you and defuse the frustration, not be sulky, melodramatic and grumpy himself!

It is completely like having another teen!

Have you asked DH (or his parents / siblings) what he was like as a teen? Doesn't he remember wanting to lie in bed and being a bit lazy, or was he an unusually well behaved teen?

Top it off and we have a 12yr old dd who is beginning the grump teen stage… but he can’t see it with her!

He just says that he was out on his bike, with his mates all the time. He was never lazy apparently! 🙄 He’s 51 and has never spent time with teens except his own… but he obviously knows more about them because he was one once.

Teens do like sleep ins but on holiday it’s just not on. I get it’s a cognitive development stage but your DS would totally irritate me as well. I mean your relationship isn't at Norman Bates Mrs Bates level of enmeshment but you are excusing poor behaviour. You are being a Mothers spoil sons stereotype.

They went out together yesterday afternoon. I called them and asked how it was going and he said ‘we’ve fallen out’ Because ds wanted to go one way and dh the other! So neither of them ended up doing either! They went back to the apartment separately and didn’t speak to each other most of the evening. Dh isn’t a sulker thankfully. He did engage in pleasantries with ds. But ds being a teen spent most of the evening in his room not talking to anyone… not because he was annoyed. But because he’s a teen! But dh took this as a slight.

If it was me, I’d have either done what ds wanted to do, or said go ahead I’ll see you later.

You have my upmost sympathy OP - it’s very annoying. My DH is completely the same. I actually find him and his ridiculous expectations harder to manage on holiday than my teenage sons.

He wants constant activity from them or they’re being ‘lazy’. He gets annoyed if they don’t want to spend hours playing padel with him.

If after a busy day they are quiet over dinner then that’s not good enough! He wants in depth conversations.

I don’t actually have the answers. It does end up in a few arguments.

He’s not sleeping it until 10 everyday. It’s a balance. Such as yesterday we were up and out before half 9. Today we’re all still lying in bed. But on the up and out days, both dc but mostly ds, needs cajoling to be ready on time. Dh gets annoyed with this.

Yep! This!… it’s like it’s his holiday and they need to fall in line

I think you sound at risk of going over the top to accommodate his attitude be honest. Your posts make a lot of excuses for your sons behaviour when actually some of his behaviour shouldn't be excused. Not getting up untill late most days and sulking in his room for example.

I also read an article somewhere that holidays with teens are difficult (a 4 week one is a lot) as they are going through that transition time when they want to be away from you more, be more independent, see their friends more and suddenly they have to spend quite an intensive amount of time with parents.

I think your DS sounds like he’s doing really well. I would reiterate this to your DH. It’s hard being away from friends for 4 weeks. They do need more sleep
and rest..

Glad it’s not just me on holiday experiencing this! My DCs 15 and 12 are pretty good kids we’re in Italy for 3 weeks travelling round and they’ve been up for each tour etc but DH gets himself so worked up over little things like when will one of them want a drink we’re not talking to him enough etc! This from the man who’s a workaholic and never available he’s now getting a taste of what I deal with every day and I’ve managed to only tell him to sort himself out once and then I’ve backed off and left him and the DCs to sort any differences out between them!

I understand what you’re saying. I so feel like I’m having to be one way, because dh is so much the other way. As a balance.

I get frustrated when the dc are not up and getting ready to go out. But it’s also the first time we’ve done a 4 week trip. Which is an activity trip…. Same activity every day, like a skiing holiday. So everyone’s a bit tired from the day before, And it feels less rushed because of the time we have.

I agree with @Delatron that 3-4 weeks on holiday is maybe a bit much for this family dynamic. Maybe make it shorter next year!

I totally get it
we have this to a lesser extent with my teenage dd and dh, in general they get on great but he sometimes has such high expectations of her, can be impatient or express disappointment with her, but will be gentle/placatory with the younger sibs. It’s not like at the stroke of midnight they become adults, they are still children and at times (particularly if tired or overstimulated) they still need a bit of time to withdraw or express normal feelings.

I would get annoyed with this too. It does sound like you’re excusing DSs poor behaviour here - not all teens are lazy! You’re on holiday, no doubt it was expensive if you’re away for a month!
Going forward, I would sit down with the DC today and discuss the plans for next week, so they know precisely what is expected - days they need to get up early, days they can just hang out doing nothing, days they can choose the itinerary. Remind them each evening about the next day’s plans and don’t accept sulking, arguing or lateness from them.

I’m trying to explain this to dh. In hindsight, I think 4 weeks was too long. But he’s 17 next month and felt like this was going to be our last holiday as a family, so wanted to go all out.

ds will be with us and then do what adults do, which is have autonomy and independence, and say e.g. I’m just going to this shop. But dh is struggling with the transition from child to independent older teen and thinks he can prescribe ds’s day like he did when he was small. But ds has opinions, which don’t always match dh’s

This is the tack i have kind of taken. Just leave them to it.

I understand what you’re saying. I so feel like I’m having to be one way, because dh is so much the other way. As a balance.

To be honest that's probably not helping because by going one way you're actively showing your son you disagree with his dad even if it's actually annoying you too and choosing your sons side even when some of his behaviour isn't ok.

I would sit everyone down and set out some very clear expectations so everyone is on the same page. Yes he's a teenager but everyone is on holiday and you shouldn't have to all be waiting on or pandering to him continually.

You’re right! He’s been up and out mostly around 10 during this holiday. But at home he will stay in his room all day if he could. Which is weird because he is vet active in his sports interests. He needs encouraging mentally, then his body will follow with no issues

Crikey a 4 week holiday I don't think I could cope with as an adult so no wonder teens are struggling.
The thing is your dh is the blue print for your ds on how to be a man. So if your dh is emotionally immature and doesn't have the skills to resolve conflict have compassion empathy accountability healthy boundaries. The list goes on. Then really it sets a unhealthy dynamic for everyone. You get firmly placed in peace keeper role and this is what your daughter learns that women tolerate men and keep the peace. Your son learns men can act a sulky grumpy way and be put up with and it's always someone else's fault.

Does you dh have the the ability to learn some of these skills and can he see his role in this and how important it is? Or will he feel attacked and defensive?

This. I have two teen DDs (18 and 15) and the struggle to transition parenting by my DH is real, and of course the girls then push back as they aren’t 5 anymore! It’s led to one significant rift between DH and elder DD, and I am stuck in the middle running interference. We’ve tried to talk about it by DH gets defensive. Hoping that he figures it out as it makes me a bit sad at times. Holidays just up the intensity as closer proximity and changes routines.

Hoping the rest of your time away is smoother sailing!

Sorry but your going to end up with a bad tempered teen if you don't stop also making excuses for him. You should be encouraging dh and son to get on at the same time as working as a United front with your dh. It's not a teen thing its a son and a father and son starting to try and assert himself which does need reined in or you will end up with bigger problems in another year.

I think youre making excuses up for your son! He sounds unbearable and ungrateful, I don't blame your husband, I would absolutely not take him on another holiday he doesn't deserve it