How can I set boundaries with my adult son's childish behaviour?

[DrinkTheKooladeNow]

My DS20 appears to be emotionally regressing in his relationship with me and I don't know why it's happening or what to do about it. It's driving me mad, so I'm very much hoping some of you lovely Mumsnetters can advise.

He's currently home from university for the summer having just completed the second year of his mechanical engineering degree. Things are going extremely well for him at uni academically, he's got a solid friendship group, he is earning enough money to be financially independent of us to cover all his costs, he has managed a tricky health issue (a minor elective op) independently, despite offers of help from me and his DF (we are married and together), he is surprisingly mature and wise beyond his years with his head screwed firmly on in many ways.

When it comes to me however, he can be reluctant to have normal conversations about everyday things, like how he is, how his day is going/has gone, if he meets up with friends if they had a good time, unit options for uni next year, etc. Chatting to him is frustrating. Instead he keeps wanting to play silly games of tag with me (but not with his DF or Dsis) which he MUST always win. He does listen attentively however, e.g. about my work, my friends, etc. He shows genuine interest and concern, and can be incredibly thoughtful and supportive when he feels he is needed. However the playfulness goes totally over the top once he gets started. It's not just the tag, he does other things like pretending to be my shadow when I'm going about my business around the house, etc. The play side of things has taken over. I've tried speaking to him about doing this less, I try to show disengagement (here he'll just persist until he gets a response from me). This week he has gotten much worse for no apparent reason.

His relationship with his Dsis (17) is generally good. They clearly miss each other a lot when he is away. Occasionally they will have a normal conversation led by his Dsis, but he does not volunteer personal info about himself. He's happy to give her factual viewpoints and advice however.

With his DF, he is cordial and respectful. He speaks sensibly with him about normal things. E.g., they will talk about his DF's plans post-retirement in some detail. DS is happy to listen for long spells of time and makes the right encouraging, interested noises. They do not have a playful relationship at all.

To sum up, all aspects of DS's character are brilliant, except for the high level of childlike interaction with myself, and a general reluctance to speak about himself to his family. I think he's quite reserved with his friends too. But how do I stop him from being so silly with me so much of the time without having to 'come down hard' on him and potentially spoil our relationship. Nothing works that I've tried so far. Any ideas? TIA

Nooo, OP, please don't do this. It may cause him to become emotionally distant and not want to open up to you about issues in his life even more so than now. Can you not put up with some playfulness until he goes back to university? If it becomes too much for you, you can always excuse yourself to go to the bathroom, put tea on, water the plants etc. Please don't stifle the playfulness in your young man. Men have enough of having to confirm to societies idea of a macho man as it is. P.S. adults are still allowed and supposed to be playful, to release their inner child. It's good for us adults, for development and mentally too. It's societal pressures which mean we should all conform to the ideal of a professional, mature adult. To heck with that, let's have some fun and play!

Or he needs his mum? I can't believe how harsh some of these responses are. As long as he's a responsible, hardworking adults with good morals, who cares if he's playfulness and immature with his mum? Also, he's in maybe his second year away at uni. That's still the transition from being a child, teenager, etc. who is reliant on the parents to a certain degree. I'm all for producing and hurting successfully independent young people who can navigate life, but what's wrong with having a close relationship with mum?

My DF is 74 and his DM is 98 and they still are playing like this.
They have a brilliant relationship. Extremely close but every visit there is a little pillow throw or gentle nip. Just to wind each other up- in the most loving way

Honestly be thankful, you’ve got a wonderful DS there.
Please don’t complain about him, you’re very lucky.

That sounds like the most beautiful relationship 😍😍😍😍
I don't mind my DS's playfulness, I think it's sweet. I guess I was questioning its appropriateness. I did not have a 'normal' upbringing myself, and had virtually no relationship with either of my late parents once I became an adult (although I tried and tried)... or throughout my teens... or even before that even really. I suppose that's left me without a yardstick to measure a normal young adult/parent relationship by.

Great point.
I may have overthought this somewhat.

That is soooooooo adorable! I absolutely LOVE this 😍😍😍😍

I think uni holidays are a strange time for dc, For months, they’ve been ‘adults’, studying, cooking, washing , making their own decisions what to do, where to go, etc, and then suddenly they’re bound by a new set of rules, ie, home life. Some adapt by becoming ‘the son’ again, but whilst others maintain their independent status.

i think you need to recognise that he has his own life now, one you’re not party to, but also that he needs mum to be mum. When he starts with the playfulness, can you perhaps see it as a sign he wants to spend time with you, and suggest you go and get a coffee etc. or is he simply bored at home, and if so, suggest he helps you with the housework.

Just tell him he’s pissing u off

He’s in that transition from child to independent adult.

He’s talking serious topics with his dad about retirement stuff because thats feeling to him like a peer to peer type conversation.

Your conversation topics with him are probably landing like the classic teenage parent Spanish Inquisition (where are you going / have been, who were you with, what did you do, whats going on at school). If you think back, theyve probably not changed much since he was 15, just school and gcse options have become uni module options, and there might not be a set curfew any more or a requirement to tell you where hes going when he goes out but that’s a fairly nuanced difference thats passing him by.

He wants time with you, he also wants independence and to forge his own life less under parental supervision (you’re not trying to supervise, but he hasn’t worked that out yet).

Give him 1:1 time, even if it’s folding laundry together, making dinner, etc. or getting stuff sorted for a hobby. Mix up the rules on tag, loser gets a hug. Send him on an errand on his push bike or anything else that uses up some energy. Engineering departments are big buildings and hes probably physically restless as well as short on physical contact.