How can I set boundaries with my adult son's childish behaviour?

[DrinkTheKooladeNow]

My DS20 appears to be emotionally regressing in his relationship with me and I don't know why it's happening or what to do about it. It's driving me mad, so I'm very much hoping some of you lovely Mumsnetters can advise.

He's currently home from university for the summer having just completed the second year of his mechanical engineering degree. Things are going extremely well for him at uni academically, he's got a solid friendship group, he is earning enough money to be financially independent of us to cover all his costs, he has managed a tricky health issue (a minor elective op) independently, despite offers of help from me and his DF (we are married and together), he is surprisingly mature and wise beyond his years with his head screwed firmly on in many ways.

When it comes to me however, he can be reluctant to have normal conversations about everyday things, like how he is, how his day is going/has gone, if he meets up with friends if they had a good time, unit options for uni next year, etc. Chatting to him is frustrating. Instead he keeps wanting to play silly games of tag with me (but not with his DF or Dsis) which he MUST always win. He does listen attentively however, e.g. about my work, my friends, etc. He shows genuine interest and concern, and can be incredibly thoughtful and supportive when he feels he is needed. However the playfulness goes totally over the top once he gets started. It's not just the tag, he does other things like pretending to be my shadow when I'm going about my business around the house, etc. The play side of things has taken over. I've tried speaking to him about doing this less, I try to show disengagement (here he'll just persist until he gets a response from me). This week he has gotten much worse for no apparent reason.

His relationship with his Dsis (17) is generally good. They clearly miss each other a lot when he is away. Occasionally they will have a normal conversation led by his Dsis, but he does not volunteer personal info about himself. He's happy to give her factual viewpoints and advice however.

With his DF, he is cordial and respectful. He speaks sensibly with him about normal things. E.g., they will talk about his DF's plans post-retirement in some detail. DS is happy to listen for long spells of time and makes the right encouraging, interested noises. They do not have a playful relationship at all.

To sum up, all aspects of DS's character are brilliant, except for the high level of childlike interaction with myself, and a general reluctance to speak about himself to his family. I think he's quite reserved with his friends too. But how do I stop him from being so silly with me so much of the time without having to 'come down hard' on him and potentially spoil our relationship. Nothing works that I've tried so far. Any ideas? TIA

I can kind of see this from a couple of angles, because I can imagine it is desperately frustrating and that you feel singled out.

However, even reading that he’s pretending to be your shadow and wanting to play physical games with you speaks to some kind of need to be close. I’m speaking from some kind of experience from the fact that my 24-year-old son has returned now from uni and is living with me again, and he too can regress in a slightly different way (the way I could describe it is that he switches into “teenager mode’ with me sometimes whilst remaining completely adult with others)

I genuinely think it’s just testament to the relationship that we have with our sons, and what we mean to them on many different levels. We expect them to relate to us on an adult intellectual level when we know they are capable of it, but maybe emotionally, they aren’t always capable of that themselves - yet. Not sure if I’m making any sense, but I think it is testament to how deeply he cares about you, and what you represent to him,probably.

He's allowed to choose not to talk about himself. If he has a relationship with you on other ways im not sure there's a problem

Are you sure he's coping with life as well as you think he is? A 20 year old pretending to be his mums shadow sounds like he might be having some problems.

He sounds like a parent’s dream child to me!

Give him more hugs, it sounds like an emotional need thats unmet tbh. He sounds extremely independent which is great but I think at that age they still need reassurance. Maybe he needs a bit of silliness and chilishness. It sounds a bit annoying but I think it will wear off in time.

I have heard similar many times, that when children come home from uni they act childish (usually it’s acting like stroppy teenagers though not playing) or they try and act like bossy adults.

This is a bit weird however he is just working out how to be around you.
In all other aspects of his life he needs to be mature and act older than he wants to but there’s something so lovely to hear that with you he just gets to be a young boy again.

Most men are pretty playful underneath and that’s the one thing I do actually like about men. For all of their faults they’re usually pretty fun.

Do you not like playing with him?
Why not?
Is it the playing part or the fact that he doesn’t treat you the same as DH and doesn’t tell you things?

Ultimately, he just feels so safe and secure with you that he feels he can be himself.
He obviously doesn’t feel that way around his dad (probably just a masculinity thing) and so although you may think they have a better relationship, it’s actually you that he enjoys being around the most.

If it was me, I would definitely play with him but make a joke about telling him to go wind his sister up instead as you’re too tired today.
Or joke about putting that energy to good use and tidying his room etc.
Each time I’d let the playing get shorter and shorter.

Is there much that you can do to control another adult's behaviour? I wouldn't push him to talk about himself, that would just make me clam up further, personally. Unless it is a major shift in his personality and makes you feel concerthat something might bebwrong?
In terms of the silliness, it sounds like he just wants to connect with you as your child - surely a phase that will pass as he further matures and fully accepts adulthood? Can you grit your teeth and let him get on with it? He probably misses the freedom of being a child in everything that he is achieving and wants to know you still love him as your child.

I’m close to my young adult son, but have found sometimes I have to be blunt as gentle politeness doesn’t work. Examples are rather than asking if he’s having a shower I now say ‘you smell, time for a shower’ It hasn’t affected our relationship at all. I’d be to the point and say stop this now I do t like it.

Thanks, that's a really interesting way of looking at things. I'm grateful for you sharing your experience with your slightly older DS as it helps normalise what I'm seeing in my own.
I know it's his way of showing affection, but it's getting a bit much at the moment.

Because you are his mum and they regress when they come home. And you are his safe person. I can see why jt annoys you but 20 is still young.

DS I love you and it's great having you home but stop this tag and shadow nonsense as it's getting on my nerves. Give me a hug by all means.

That's a fair comment. I guess I just want him to feel he doesn't have to navigate adulthood unsupported by Mum & Dad. On the rare occasions he does speak up about a concern, it turns out he really could do with a sounding board to help him figure things out.

I guess he'll be gone again in a month and you won't have him there to play tag with!

This is my worry and why I'm keen to address it.

How did you handle it when he was annoying you when he was small? Do that? Try responding as if he was a kid, it’ll be ingrained that he has to behave now?

it sounds like he is doing great and you have given the world a fine young man. Who’s being a bit of a pest because they often are.

He is in soooo many ways.
I'm incredibly proud of the young man he is.

My son is 26 and also very private. I've been vaguely aware of times where I thought he could have done with a sounding board or advice but wasn't asking or involving me.

Meanwhile my DD is completely different, we talk about everything, sometimes I'm a sounding board helping her process and sometimes she asks directly for my advice.

And my son has watched and seen this for years whilst staying private, but the stars and planets must have aligned because for some reason this year he's started talking to me about EVERYTHING and even asking for advice!

So just keep modelling open conversation, being a sounding board, offering advice when asked etc with your DD and DH and I'm sure he'll come to you when he's ready.

I agree with @Newsenmum he see's you as his safe person and the person he can be himself with and have that silly side of him come out with.

I would try and engage the silliness, but that is just me.

I have a 20 year old DD, home from uni, and most of the time our conversations are nice and light, sometimes more serious but we also have this silly playful side to our relationship where we both dance in the kitchen or mirror each other doing daft stuff. I love that she can be that silly with me and that she feels comfortable enough in my company to be a bit daft sometimes. She doesn't do it with her Dad, she goes to him when she wants a debate or more serious conversation.

It could also be his way of showing affection to you so give the boy some bloody big hugs and show it him back. I get it might be annoying but its just for a few more weeks so I would just engage with it a little. 'Play' and enjoy this silliness.

As for the not wanting to talk about himself I think that is okay. My DD doesn't share much personal stuff with us and tends to keep much of her uni life and personal stuff to herself. She will talk to me about bigger stuff, if she needs to, but is quite private with her own life and that is okay.

Her elder sister is the complete opposite and tells me literally everything but my younger one doesn't and I admit it was a bit weird for me to begin with and I felt like we were not as close because of it for a while.

But it has taken me time to realise that this is just her and its her choice with how much, and what, she chooses to share with me about her life. I know she will come to me with anything serious so I leave it now and have got used to the fact that this is just how she is. So try not to worry about that, and to push him too much to share what he obviously doesn't want to. Some things they just want to keep to themselves.

As long as he appears happy and is enjoying his life try not to worry about that too much if you can.

Just say, "That's enough now." in a serious tone when his playfulness becomes annoying. Ignore him if he continues to do it (or even move to another room) after you have said it.

You need to make him realise that joking around like this quickly becomes irritating. He may be doing something similar to others and irritating them too!

This is what I'd say.

He's being very mature at uni, he's just wanting a bit of family interaction.

I’d stop with the serious questions / life chats completely for now and if he is acting like a little boy just reciprocate in kind, whether that be with ‘do you want a cuddle?’ to a brisk telling off.

There an official story that his life so far is very successful, but this could be a cover up for something more complicated, so try to give him space to say so.
About the play, could you keep saying 'not now darling, I need to finish this,' or similar?

You've summed this up brilliantly. There's been no major change in his behaviour I suppose from when he was living at home. However, the playfulness stopped when he was doing his GCSEs abd A Levels, but I'd assumed this was because he'd grown out of it by that age. I certainly wasn't expecting it to return with bells on once he started uni!

I don't push him to talk, but I do gently encourage him to chat. Occasionally I hit a sweet spot with the perfect question and lots comes out in one go. He was always reserved as a kid about his thoughts and feelings though, but at least when he lived at home I could see for myself if all was well or not.

But yes, I agree that he wants confirmation that I still love him as my child, which I do very much.

Good point. 'This is fun occasionally but gets quite irritating after a while' might be useful information for him.

Aaawwww, that's LOVELY!
Thanks for the advice 😊