How can I set boundaries with my adult son's childish behaviour?

[DrinkTheKooladeNow]

My DS20 appears to be emotionally regressing in his relationship with me and I don't know why it's happening or what to do about it. It's driving me mad, so I'm very much hoping some of you lovely Mumsnetters can advise.

He's currently home from university for the summer having just completed the second year of his mechanical engineering degree. Things are going extremely well for him at uni academically, he's got a solid friendship group, he is earning enough money to be financially independent of us to cover all his costs, he has managed a tricky health issue (a minor elective op) independently, despite offers of help from me and his DF (we are married and together), he is surprisingly mature and wise beyond his years with his head screwed firmly on in many ways.

When it comes to me however, he can be reluctant to have normal conversations about everyday things, like how he is, how his day is going/has gone, if he meets up with friends if they had a good time, unit options for uni next year, etc. Chatting to him is frustrating. Instead he keeps wanting to play silly games of tag with me (but not with his DF or Dsis) which he MUST always win. He does listen attentively however, e.g. about my work, my friends, etc. He shows genuine interest and concern, and can be incredibly thoughtful and supportive when he feels he is needed. However the playfulness goes totally over the top once he gets started. It's not just the tag, he does other things like pretending to be my shadow when I'm going about my business around the house, etc. The play side of things has taken over. I've tried speaking to him about doing this less, I try to show disengagement (here he'll just persist until he gets a response from me). This week he has gotten much worse for no apparent reason.

His relationship with his Dsis (17) is generally good. They clearly miss each other a lot when he is away. Occasionally they will have a normal conversation led by his Dsis, but he does not volunteer personal info about himself. He's happy to give her factual viewpoints and advice however.

With his DF, he is cordial and respectful. He speaks sensibly with him about normal things. E.g., they will talk about his DF's plans post-retirement in some detail. DS is happy to listen for long spells of time and makes the right encouraging, interested noises. They do not have a playful relationship at all.

To sum up, all aspects of DS's character are brilliant, except for the high level of childlike interaction with myself, and a general reluctance to speak about himself to his family. I think he's quite reserved with his friends too. But how do I stop him from being so silly with me so much of the time without having to 'come down hard' on him and potentially spoil our relationship. Nothing works that I've tried so far. Any ideas? TIA

Please let this be a joke, please let this be a joke, please let this be a joke...

Seems to me like you are his safe space, where he doesn't have to 'adult' all the time. Maybe he's not quite ready to give up that parent/child relationship just yet.

I honestly would be bluntly saying stop it, it's annoying.

He needs a girlfriend.

Give him a hug and some 1 on 1 time. Hes an adult but sees you as the person he can still be a boy with.

Think he sound great and very well adjusted. The fact he can regress a little and relax around you also shows you that you’re his safe space.

Fwiw, just a theory, but I think his behaviour is sending a message. He is a private person and that’s his personality and he’s now an adult and he wants to lighten the mood rather than “be parented” by you op or have conversations that he may perceive as too intense. This is a normal part of individuating as an adult and him becoming his own self. Handling his own problems etc.

And instead of potentially hurting you by telling you this directly, he is clowning around!

This is because he is a lovely lad and you have brought him up really well! And because he loves and appreciates you. So he is engaging in humour rather than telling you to back off!

But the more you resist it and want to be serious the more he feels you are intruding and so the larking around continues, Maybe?

You have already said that he has had a great start at uni, he has displayed maturity negotiating a minor op independently, he has a good relationship with his sister, and he does engage seriously with his dad; are you absolutely sure you are not worrying for nothing?

In your shoes op you I would engage with the humour, irritating though it may be, and go with the flow, make a point of trusting him when he says he has things under control, while making it clear that he can always come to you in a crisis, and then change the way you communicate with him and have some fun.

Maybe buy a table tennis table or go bowling or biking with him or do something silly like crazy golf or indoor skiiing or something? If you are engaging with him on a different level , it might as well be doing something you enjoy!

Otherwise, if we give the signal we are always worried about them, we can inadvertently also give the signal that we don’t believe that they are capable, which is obviously to be avoided.

Is he listening to your boundaries if you say "No?"

Try responding in kind?
“Oh how luck am i to have a son who wants to follow me around “ in an over the too dramatic voice.

or interrupt the play by grabbing him for a big bear hug and hitting him with a genuine compliment/booster.
”I’m so proud of you” “your dad and I miss you when you are at uni” “I’m loving the young man you are growing into” “I wish I could brag to the other mums how much I like you” ect

also he clearly isn’t enjoying personal questions so maybe skip them for now

Sounds like my (albeit younger) son

He has different kinds relationships with different people

Kind, gentle, thoughtful, considerate, independent

Doesn't share details about himself/his day/what hes done

Very much uses me for physical contact

Will seek repeated interactions that he knows someone finds (or found, previously) amusing. Almost in a scripted/rehersed type way

Doesn't take a hint in terms of when its not wanted

My son is autistic. For him, these behaviours are related to his differences in social interaction, and his need for proprioceptive input

You're trying too hard. He's a grown, independent bloke and wants space and privacy.

As annoying as the behaviour sounds I'd be more concerned for his wellbeing than trying to stop it. Listening attentively to others but not sharing about himself sounds like he isn't doing well emotionally, being playful like that sounds like he is desperately seeking a connection with you. I'd be really worried about severe depression. It's not always being a recluse and not functioning. Many men who have took their own lives have been men who seemed absolutely fine and were going about life as normal to those around them.

Personally I think you’re complaining for no actual reason. Just speak your mind when you don’t want to play, but in a warm way, but humour him sometimes when he does what to mess about, he’s showing he finds that’s your way of connecting. If he doesn’t want to talk about himself leave it. It’s not compulsory, he might volunteer some information naturally if you don’t force it. Also, what young person what’s to know all about their parents work, my son, nearly 19 rarely wants to know, but occasionally he’ll ask me something. Chill and enjoy your lovely son.

Ps, come down hard on him? Give your head a wobble. He’s not doing anything wrong.

This sounds right to me - he is ‘bidding’ for attention from you.
You may be the only person he has physical interaction with beyond hand shakes. If you don’t like how he is engaging then a bluntish redirect like above poster suggests could work. Read between the lines and recognise the need, but redirect to something you would enjoy - ‘do you want a hug’ or ‘come sit with me on the couch and let’s do a crossword/play a game/watch a show together’ or ‘come help me in the kitchen’ m, ‘go for a walk’, just be together. And hug/hold hand etc
I remember my mum sitting close and then holding a hand or running fingers through hair etc or offering a shoulder or foot massage, to give a physical connection.

DM used to jokingly call me "mummy's little helper" because I acted like her shadow (or her toddler!) when home from uni. For me at least, it was a playful, low-pressure way to connect while she was doing other things and less likely to quiz me on my life.

By all means tell your DS if you need some calmer time. But to me, it sounds like a bid for connection from someone who's a little private/awkward, rather than anything worrying.

”quiz me on my life”: I had to make this boundary with my mum, as she would be incredibly inquisitive when I was back from uni. I’d have preferred the lighter interaction.

As others have said, I would go with it when possible, but also state clearly and kindly what your limits are, and for him to respect when you have had enough. It probably is a bit harder for boys; they can’t so easily be playful over there in the same way that girls can, or appear to be close to their mums, in case they appear to be “wet”. I wish such prejudices were not in place, but they very much are. I also expect that when teenagers are first away from home (boys and girls), part of them misses what life was like before.

Get him on your knee??? Are you serious? My 22 year old son and I will sometimes have a hug. But the idea of him sitting on my knee seems bizarre. And very uncomfortable.

Do you ever give your son a hug and tell him you love him ?

Yes, I'm wondering if that's what I should do. Interestingly, the various responses I've received from different mumsnetters reflect the variety of thoughts going through my mind about this matter.

I do think this is a part of the issue, yes.

No, he thinks it is a part of the game.

I would 100% pull him up on this boundary-breaking then. This is not on.

A gentle (but firm) chat first "I am your mum, I love you. I am also a person with boundaries. Please don't cross them when I say "No".

He has to learn no means no...even from your mum!

I think part of the problem is you are being way too polite.

Say "For fucks sake grow the fuck up! You look ridiculous! I expected far more from you than whatever the fuck this is!"

Let out your anger in a way that will make you feel better and educate him PDQ.

This sort of behaviour would infuriate me from an adult. I don't know why people are suggesting you 'play' with him - to be quite honest I don't think it's normal at all at this age!

If it bothers you that much I would say try to find other ways to physically connect e.g a hug or whatever, and tell him to bloody pack in behaving like a 5 year old when he starts

Aww, just enjoy it, especially as he won't be with you much longer when he goes back to university.

I and my mum are like this (I'm 42!), we play tag (often instigated by her), have really immature but hilariously, belly-laugh funny conversations and we laugh and laugh and for those moments of playfulness I can release the intense stresses and responsibilities of being an adult, even if for a few minutes and know that I don't have to be the adult for a bit because my mum is there. Sounds pathetic and I hold down a great job and big responsibilities in it and in life, bills, keeping a household ticking over etc., but for that moment I'm free of them.