How can I set boundaries with my adult son's childish behaviour?

[DrinkTheKooladeNow]

My DS20 appears to be emotionally regressing in his relationship with me and I don't know why it's happening or what to do about it. It's driving me mad, so I'm very much hoping some of you lovely Mumsnetters can advise.

He's currently home from university for the summer having just completed the second year of his mechanical engineering degree. Things are going extremely well for him at uni academically, he's got a solid friendship group, he is earning enough money to be financially independent of us to cover all his costs, he has managed a tricky health issue (a minor elective op) independently, despite offers of help from me and his DF (we are married and together), he is surprisingly mature and wise beyond his years with his head screwed firmly on in many ways.

When it comes to me however, he can be reluctant to have normal conversations about everyday things, like how he is, how his day is going/has gone, if he meets up with friends if they had a good time, unit options for uni next year, etc. Chatting to him is frustrating. Instead he keeps wanting to play silly games of tag with me (but not with his DF or Dsis) which he MUST always win. He does listen attentively however, e.g. about my work, my friends, etc. He shows genuine interest and concern, and can be incredibly thoughtful and supportive when he feels he is needed. However the playfulness goes totally over the top once he gets started. It's not just the tag, he does other things like pretending to be my shadow when I'm going about my business around the house, etc. The play side of things has taken over. I've tried speaking to him about doing this less, I try to show disengagement (here he'll just persist until he gets a response from me). This week he has gotten much worse for no apparent reason.

His relationship with his Dsis (17) is generally good. They clearly miss each other a lot when he is away. Occasionally they will have a normal conversation led by his Dsis, but he does not volunteer personal info about himself. He's happy to give her factual viewpoints and advice however.

With his DF, he is cordial and respectful. He speaks sensibly with him about normal things. E.g., they will talk about his DF's plans post-retirement in some detail. DS is happy to listen for long spells of time and makes the right encouraging, interested noises. They do not have a playful relationship at all.

To sum up, all aspects of DS's character are brilliant, except for the high level of childlike interaction with myself, and a general reluctance to speak about himself to his family. I think he's quite reserved with his friends too. But how do I stop him from being so silly with me so much of the time without having to 'come down hard' on him and potentially spoil our relationship. Nothing works that I've tried so far. Any ideas? TIA

Honestly he sounds like you have done a great job with him but he is not fully cooked yet. It is just a maturity thing maybe. Has he any developmental stuff? Has there ever been developmental stuff questioned along the way? 1/3 of my child’s top tier university Engineering class is ND as a thought.

Even still he will likely grow out of it at this level. He clearly loves you and that is how he feels most connected to you. I can see why it bugs you (a lot) but it probably won’t be forever.

My son is home from uni permanently now, due to start his first proper job soon. I would say he is similar, very responsible and running his own life, but when home he has moments where he's silly, usually with DH, flicking tea towels at each other and play fighting with spatulas. With me it's flicking my hair, or throwing light items at me. At the moment we're channelling that need for play by doing the NY Times cryptic puzzle together every day.

He's having a little break from being a responsible adult- which is exhausting, by acting like a little kid around his mummy.
He sounds great.
Find another way to baby him and treat him like your sweet boy if you can- he's being clear in what he wants from you.
You must have done a great job bringing him up. 😍

Now this is the issue. He doesn't notice when he's just getting to be too much. He doesn't take small hints, heavy hints, or change after a direct chat. He just wants to have fun!

But it is important he learns the social cue of when people have maxed out, regardless of how much fun he may be having at the time.

So why not put your hands on your head and say something akin to,

"I have no idea what is going on here but why are you regressing to the behaviour of a four year old right now? Is it something I'm doing, something you are doing or what? Please give me an answer that makes sense because I am beginning to seriously wonder about you as I am doing my absolute best not get someone else involved in this!"

Wise him up. No-one else is going to do it.

I wonder if a bit more deliberate 1:1 time or activities just you and him might help.

My son does it too, bloody annoying especially in this heat! But it is just his attempt at connecting with me as a 'mate' like he does with his uni friends. He is trying to navigate growing into an adult and wanting to show we are equal in status - or somethinglike that. Trying to move away from the mother son traditional relationship. Don't get me wrong makes no bloody sense in my brain but guess boys brains work differently. This is how he explained it to me anyway when i finally asked WTF?!?

My ds is 27 with a job and kids and he still acts like a teenager at times when he comes over.

i do sometimes join in, we chased each other round the house once with wet tea towels, trying to flick each other and other times he chucks light stuff at me, he usually gets it back.
He doesn’t talk about himself much although sometimes he’ll open up, he can be a very troubled person and it’s nice that he can let off steam sometimes

He does struggle knowing when to stop though (he is adhd/asd) but he’s learning now that when I stop and sit down and go quiet then that’s it.

Sounds like he needs his Mum to be his Mum. Many of us need this even as we play mother to our children.
Regression with the one person who you've always known to selflessly take care of you is not an issue, unless one of the people in that relationship doesn't care for it. He sounds like he's a great person and independent in all other ways.

Decide whether you're willing to allow for the relationship to be like this and to trust him and his needs; or to gently probe about what is coming across and why and supporting next steps together.

Congratulations on a fantastic job on raising a wonderful person.

I disagree with other posters. I personally don't think he should be treating his mum like a constant play thing whether she likes it or not. I realise he's still very young and I'm sure the OP doesn't mind some occasional silliness (and neither would I) but constantly pouncing on her to play tag or pretending to be her shadow all the time isn't treating his mum like a human being with her own agency. It isn't showing love or respect and surely (as an obviously clever boy) he can see from her reaction that she doesn't like it. If it was her husband doing this, I expect the replies would be very different.

The not talking about personal things and having to adjust when coming home is very normal . All you can do is be open to conversations, role model, offer advice (no strings attached).
The playfulness is a little odd I’d want to ask him about it but there’s a fear that if you do he will stop and you would perhaps lose the closeness it brings.

id probably accept it as part of your relationship but maybe try to have a bit of control over it. So do it for a bit then say right one more go or 5 more minutes. Then say ok times up I need to do xyz. And move away.

Would he be interested in playing games with you that are a bit more equal? Swing ball or frisbee or something like that? He gets your attention and be playful in a way you could engage with. you’ll have to swap out my suggestions for something you both like of course!

I don’t know, something feels a bit off about it, like a pp said, and he deflects your questioning by being silly. Could he be troubled about something, does he suffer with anxiety? I would just not engage when he does it, walk away.

This

I don't have SONS but a lot of daughters. My children are , what I consider successful. My experience , historically, is that as they grow into adulthood and independence, I found that my relationship with them is not my main focus in life. They may do things which I don't understand, but as they're adult: it's not my jurisdiction.

Ignore him 😂

He’s 20 not 5!

Try cuddling him for ages once a day. A proper 10 minute cuddle session, get him on your knee if possible - mine is 5' 11 and I am 5' 3" and manage. He may resist at first but persist. My 23YO DS started doing "play fighting" or bops on the nose when he came back from Uni. He missed physical affection and contact. Girls and women hug each other more and are more emotionally connected, he was spending weeks with almost no human 'touch'. He now loves out cuddles and we have one a day every day we see each other. Even in public, it is so great and he smells so so good.

It’s sounds like he’s feeling a bit insecure and is regressing to that stage in his life where he felt safe and secure- with you, as a child. Sounds like he’s feeling like he just needs love, time, security? It might be annoying but under every behaviour lies a need. I’d take it as a compliment. It will pass.

I agree,he wants hugs but feels to old/ big. Just turn round and say "If you want a hug you only have to ask!" and start chasing him round the house with your arms outstretched. Be equally as playful 🤣

He's only 20. We have to remember how long it is until we reach full maturity. He's a few years off just yet. You are his safe space. I'm sure you've heard stories of how children mask at school and misbehave at home due to overwhelm and because home is safe. He can be his real, authentic self when he's with you. He wants to shirk all responsibility for a few minutes and just be silly. Be grateful he sees you as that. I would be more concerned if he weren't so successful elsewhere. Embrace it and be happy he chooses you. It means you have brought up a good kid.

My DS is 18 so obviously that bit younger than yours OP. He chats about feelings/who he fancies etc with his mates & never with us or his Dsis. I was very private with my parents at that age too. Yet now I will tell my friends intimate details about my feelings/relationships. It's just how some kids are I think. My DS will hide in dark parts of our house & jump out trying to scare me. He only does this with me, not his Dad or sis. Sometimes he wants to wrestle with me a little to show off how strong he is now he goes to the gym a lot 🤣🤷‍♀️ Teenage boys/young adults are just weird that's all.

Not intending to be weird here. Does he like boardgames? Suggest you play one together. Ideally just the two of you. I think he is craving your attention. So cute and so annoying. Conversation often opens up over a game when opponents face each other.

This is interesting. I can understand that he doesn’t want to answer questions about himself and possibly feels you are prying. I would say something like ‘ I’d love to hear how everything is going but if you don’t want to talk, I won’t ask again’ But the other behaviour I have to say I wouldn’t be tolerating. He is intelligent so he must know how annoying he is being. He only does it to you, is that because he knows no one else would put up with it? It’s very strange and quite unsettling I think you must raise this the next time he does it. The fact that you are worried about laying down a hard boundary because of how he may react is very telling. You are in a hostage situation in your own home. Do you feel a little bit like you’re being bullied?

Ds is ND - came top on his engineering course in his first year. He is like my shadow when he's home and we play a lot of card and board games together. He graduated last year and now works away from home. He often phones me multiple times a week for over an hour a time. I love hearing from him and I get I'm his way to distress but I do worry how he'll manage when I'm not here (older mum).