How often is normal?

[Teaandtoastfortwo]

How often is it normal to argue? We seem to do it every 3–4 weeks. Something will start it off, usually me feeling like he’s not being as romantic or affectionate, or that he seems off. I’ll bring it up, he’ll get defensive and angry, feel criticised, and it will blow up until he leaves. We then have text wars for a few days before eventually reconciling.

He says some pretty nasty things and makes some horrible character assassinations during that time. I try to stick to how I feel rather than focusing on what he’s done wrong.

I have anxiety and grew up with addiction and emotional abuse, so I’m not sure if that plays a part. When things are good, they’re amazing.

We have been together for two years. We don’t have children together or live with each other.

Life is too short for that level of conflict. My DH and I argue a couple of times a year. There are minor niggles more frequently but these are things like whose turn is it to put the bins out and blow over in minutes.

Honestly, I think arguing in a relationship is quite normal and healthy. No relationship is argument or disagreement free. However, what is important is what those arguments are about, why they happen, how often it happens and how you resolve it.

If I was having the same argument with someone, as you appear to be having, every few weeks then I would walk away.

Something will start it off, usually me feeling like he’s not being as romantic or affectionate, or that he seems off. I’ll bring it up, he’ll get defensive and angry, feel criticised, and it will blow up until he leaves. We then have text wars for a few days before eventually reconciling.

Personally, I would find someone wanting more romance or affection from me incredibly tedious and demanding and it would make me defensive and angry. Not everyone is wired to be outwardly affection (for some people, it actually gives us a massive ick if people are like that or want that).

It's not in my nature (as it isn't in many peoples) to turn ourselves into something or someone we're not (i.e. being overly romantic) to please someone else. That sort of stuff shouldn't be forced in a relationship, you should be able to exist naturally and both of you being happy with how you interact and show appreciation and love without one of you expecting or demanding more from the other. Your relationship is not how a happy, healthy, relationship works.

If you have to repeatedly seek reassurance from someone that they care about you, or because you want more romance from them, then the relationship is not right for you. And if they are not able to give you what you need, or you're not able to compromise and accept actually this is 'them' and they do care about you - they just don't have to announce it every five minutes - then you're not the right fit for them and they're no right for you.

Honestly, it all sounds very hard work for two years in.

Is it connected with your cycle? The fact you're feeling insecure every 4 weeks to the point where you bring it up with him does ring a few little bells to me

Normal shifts I think. Ours was almost never until we were parents to small children, then tiredness made it more normal. At the moment we are arguing every couple of days because my husband's depression is flared up and I know he is struggling.

When you say you feel he isn't being romantic and affectionate what exactly do you mean. And what is your expectation?

You are in an established relationship and expecting romantic gestures all the time seems very unrealistic and not normal. I would be suspicious of a guy who was always being romantic because it would feel like a mask.

Similarly he is allowed to have a variation in his moods without it being a reflection on how he feels about you.

I'm not excusing the nasty things he says to you OP. But it does sound as though you are pressurising him to be some sort of unrealistic caricature of the romantic hero rather than a real person with his own feelings and variations of moods and you are backing him into a corner.

Is he avoidant and withdrawing? That used to cause issues in my relationship.

Its not that I needed outward romance and attention, but that he treated me like I was an annoyance and would flinch if I hugged him.

It’s quite hard to describe so easily deniable but caused a lot of arguments as I basically constantly felt rejected.

We are occasionally irritated with each other but we don't ever argue in the way you describe, no character assassination, no shouting, etc.

We've argued 5 times in 20 years, so about once every 4 years or so.

I get that we're on the abnormal side, but I could not be arsed with a relationship that involves arguing more than once a year or so. And every 3 - 4 weeks? Why would you want to be with someone when you end up getting hurt that often?

We hardly ever argue, I used to argue a lot with an ex but DH and I have a very calm relationship.

I'm not someone who thinks couples should never argue, but this doesn't sound great OP. You seem a bit needy and he sounds horrible.

DH and I do squabble, maybe once every few months, but I’ve learned that it’s usually his frustration about something else coming out, and that if I drop the rope, he’ll mutter the last word to himself, and it’ll blow over. I give him a bit of space and he apologises.

In my experience, it’s not so much about the row as how you deal with it after, but if he’s saying genuinely cruel things to you, things that aren’t just stupid heat-of-the-moment point scoring, then listen to him. And also listen to yourself. If you’re having to rebuild trust every month because he’s lashed out at your character, in the course of a row you’ve started because you don’t think he’s right, then imagine what it’d be like if you were living together.

My DH has passed away now but truthfully in our entire marriage, I can say we only had about five arguments. They were resolved pretty quickly and we never went to bed without making up.

Your relationship is toxic OP.

We don't really have big blowout arguments, but we have disagreements probably a few times a year. They're always resolved/ discussed within a day or two.

I think everyone has a different definition of arguing, and where the line is between a simple disagreement and an actual argument etc.

But I’ve never argued with DH in the way you describe where he leaves and then it’s days of anger/fighting before it gets resolved.

We’ve definitely argued, and I’ve definitely shouted! But it’s always been resolved there and then, and neither of us have stormed out. And it’s never been nasty in terms of what’s been said.

He was very affectionate and loving in the first year together.

I’m on HRT and have been for a year but I’m not sure if it’s helping. I bleed most of the time so I can’t chart my cycles.

He seems a bit checked out. We only see each other 2-3 times a week. He blames work stress and tiredness a lot but won’t do anything to change that situation. He wants me to just be supportive and not “make it about me” but I miss what we had. I feel like if he can’t show enthusiasm a couple of times a week there’s something wrong.

I think him not being as romantic as you’d like is a difference in expectation. Some
people demonstrate romance/feelings with affectionate words or touches, or small
gift maybe. For me and my other half, both of us like what’s called acts of service so him bringing me a cup of tea means way more than a dozen I love yous could for
me. Me hanging his wet coat up when he gets in or bringing him a drink is what he appreciates.
You possibly just express feelings
differently to each other which is when you feel there’s a lack of affection. I’d suggest a calm conversation when you’re both relaxed and have the time where you both express what constitutes romance and affection for you would solve it.

The thing is, though, he was very romantic, thoughtful, and affectionate. I have to keep telling him that I can’t remember the last time he kissed me passionately, for example. I can’t really put my finger on it, but he just seems off sometimes. Again, this could be due to my past and me scanning for problems. He is loyal, kind, and has been very supportive when I’ve dealt with health problems this year.
I just feel like if he gave me some reassurance when I’m feeling needy, instead of feeling criticised and getting defensive, things wouldn’t snowball.

Your update puts a different perspective on things OP. When you talked about him not being romantic or affectionate enough it made you sound rather needy. But him seeming checked out and expecting you to support him whilst not being prepared to do anything to change things puts a different light on things.

Totally it shouldn't be a one way relationship of you supporting him whilst he denies your emotional needs. It sounds as though physically you are going through a tough time yourself and yes you deserve some support .

Do you think the relationship has run it's
course and you would be happier without in your life?

I mean, maybe he's just not a passionate kisser?

DP and I stopped snogging by about month 2. It just wasn't something either of us was all that into, and it seemed a bit pointless by the time we'd seen each others genitals.

The only times it ever happens now is if we're having really really mindblowing sex. Any kiss outside of that is just a peck on the lips.

We're not lacking in affection in other ways though.

So, from his point of view, he thinks that if he’s tired or stressed from work, I’ll take that as him being different and assume it must be because he’s not as into me or because there’s an issue between us. He then doesn’t feel I support him.

I do love him, and he really is a great person. I’m definitely not easy to love. I have a lot of trauma and anxiety because of my past.

No, he was very into it. We have always been very passionate together. Maybe I’m missing the honeymoon period.

I was always very into it in a new relationship as well, but because for me it's basically a substitute and a prelude for what I actually want to be doing. Once we get to the ripping each others clothes off part of the relationship, I generally see kissing as a bit pointless.

Previous partners enjoyed it, so I did it for them, but it does nothing for me. It's like spanking, DP likes it, but it does nothing for me, so I'll do it for her on occasion but it's a part of our sex life that I could happily drop.

The kissing only sounds like one aspect of the issue though, and it's difficult to tell from your posts whether he is quite locked away, or you're overly needy. Or maybe it's neither, and you're just not that compatible long term. The frequency of the arguments certainly suggest that's the case.

Honestly, from everything you’ve said this sounds like it’s run its course. I would say two years and not living together is very much still honeymoon period - if you’re bickering now when you only see each 2-3 times a week, Imagine what it would be like if you lived together?

DH and I rarely argue - maybe 2-3 times a year and I don’t remember arguing at all before we live together. I acknowledge that might be unusual, but I suspect your bar is a little low and your early experience of relationships isn’t helping.

Go and enjoy being single until someone you are more compatible with comes along

But you seem to want or need a LOT of reassurance. For me, I would find that really off-putting and would naturally withdraw from the relationship. Maybe he feels the same way.