How often is normal?

[Teaandtoastfortwo]

How often is it normal to argue? We seem to do it every 3–4 weeks. Something will start it off, usually me feeling like he’s not being as romantic or affectionate, or that he seems off. I’ll bring it up, he’ll get defensive and angry, feel criticised, and it will blow up until he leaves. We then have text wars for a few days before eventually reconciling.

He says some pretty nasty things and makes some horrible character assassinations during that time. I try to stick to how I feel rather than focusing on what he’s done wrong.

I have anxiety and grew up with addiction and emotional abuse, so I’m not sure if that plays a part. When things are good, they’re amazing.

We have been together for two years. We don’t have children together or live with each other.

I think there are very few people who are easy to love OP. Everybody has faults and very many have emotional baggage: that's what makes us who we are. Sounds as though your partner has faults and yet you love him. So believe in yourself more and don't assume you aren't loveable. Work on your self esteem.

If he is tired and stressed about work then you have to learn to accept work is the cause and not you. And yes offer him a listening ear and support if that's what he needs. But if you do that then he should reciprocate and listen to and support you.

I really do listen to him vent and offer advice but other than that I’m not sure what I can do. I guess not blame his mood on me? 🤣 I find that very hard though.

The amount of arguing definitely isn’t healthy but I’m terrified I could through away a good thing because I’m self sabotaging subconsciously.

I’ve had lots of therapy in my life but some things I think are too difficult to overcome. I’m always going to feel like I need check, scan and keep safe. Assess every change in tone or expression and blame myself. I probably don’t feel worthy of love and so I question it.

I'm a bit uncomfortable with the idea that your arguments mostly stem from him not doing the things you want him to do.

Wouldn't you at least look one step back and ask why he is not doing what you want, or feeling what you want him to feel? And whether that is a really a him problem or a you problem, or just a sign it's not a good fit.

I'm very much signed up to the idea that love is something you do, not just something you feel, but that doesn't mean endlessly jumping through hoops your partner lays out for you. Maybe your expectations are completely reasonable and he is just not up to standard, maybe he has a difficulty with you that he is not discussing, maybe your expectations are a bit black and white... maybe this just isn't the right partnership for you both. If the only ways you can think of to improve things are things you want him to do differently, that is not a good sign.

I really do listen to him vent and offer advice but other than that I’m not sure what I can do. I guess not blame his mood on me? 🤣 I find that very hard though.

Can you not just...let him be in a bad mood? It's okay if he has a bad day or is stressed - just let him be, you don't need to fix him or blame yourself for it.

In my current 4 year relationship, we have argued once. About 2 years in. Where we were off with each other for a few days, it all came to a head and we have a rather heated discussion. Worked it out over the next few days and we have been fine since.
We've had a few misunderstandings, but we are good at communicating our feelings to each other so generally we talk then out with each other, and if need be agree to a fix.

Totally different dynamic to my last LTR where Silent treatment and strops were frequent, even we trying to talk things out.

It’s not even like he’s in a bad mood. He just used to come in, grab me, kiss me, and be all over me. He was sooo into me. He would do lots of thoughtful little things, make cute gifts (photo books, letters), shower me with compliments and affection, and now he seems like he’s just too used to me. But after only two years, and seeing each other only a couple of nights a week, it’s hard to accept the change. I know you can’t stay in the honeymoon period forever but that only usually goes once you move in together in my experience.

I don't know any relationships that are still like that two years in though. I think most people would be finding it a bit much if someone was still acting like that even a year into a relationship.

What you describe initially sounds like love-bombing - it's not genuine. Nobody can keep that up long-term because it's not real.

13 years together and my husband is still all over me and very in to me. That's not to say we haven't faced our tough times illness/babies/stress. The early days my husband was not good at commuicating so he did some therapy. On the whole we don't argue we always hear eachother out. Can easily resolve any conflict.

If he is unwilling to meet you in the middle or have any accountability for his part then there isn't much you can do.