How often do you see friends and family that moved away?

[Rewis]

Me and my bf are talking about moving (few hour flight). I am struggling with the idea of leaving friends and family behind cause I know that it will be somewhat of an end of those relationships. I will go "back home" few times a year. Close friends and family will come for a visit in the first few years but that's it. There will be active phone calls with immediate family but contact with friend will slowly be reduced to an annual meet up when I'm visiting family. Extended family will be seen at funerals etc.

My bf thinks people will visit all the time and it is not some sort of permanent goodbye. I think he is overly optimistic.

My question is, how often do you friends and family that moved away? Am I being overly pessimistic?

I think they will drift over the years, but that you may well make new friends nearer where you end up.

I think you are being more realistic than your bf. I have gone for years without seeing members of my extended family who live 200 or so miles away.

Quite a few people we know have moved away over time (live in a shithole haha) and to be perfectly honest, it really annoys me when we’re expected to drop everything to see them when they are back visiting family and want to squeeze everyone else in at their convenience. They often get arsey with us if they’re like oh we’re down this weekend seeing my mum and we’re meeting everyone in the pub that evening and we’re like oh sorry we’re busy this weekend. Like we don’t have a life outside them or we should just drop everything to suit them when they happen to be down seeing someone else.

I would recommend negotiating with friends as to when to see them which works for everyone rather than doing this! Or at least not getting annoyed when people are busy with other plans.

Depends how good a friend they are, where they moved and how much of an effort they made since moving away.

I’ve got a friend who moved to a lovely place a flight away, I’ve visited her twice, she always makes the effort to message and to meet up (one on one as well as big group) when she’s back here.

However I have friends who moved to the next county who I barely see 🤷‍♀️ they weren’t such good friends to start with and haven’t made the effort to come back and visit. and honestly I’ve not got that much interest in visiting commuter town X that they moved to!

I think it will be mainly on you (not the friends) to maintain the relationships and it will take effort but if you put the effort in you can.

People visiting you - really depends on where you’re moving to and how much spare money/time your friends have.

I think you’ll drift away . I know I have despite all the promises it won’t happen it does , out of sight out of mind and all that

Depends how close family/friends they are and how far they’ve moved.

DD moved away for uni and didn’t come back but that’s in the UK. We see her about every six weeks.

I imagine close friends will visit you but occasionally but you need to remember it’s you that’s moving away, so you need to make the effort to come back (and you can see more than one friend that way)

It depends how much effort you're willing to make and how much effort they're willing to make.

Generally though it is likely that you will make new friends closer to where you live and they will concentrate on the friendships they have with people close to where they live.

Mostly people don’t visit but they expect you to visit every holiday

I moved 120 miles away, so four hour drive, 9 years ago and everyone a promised to come and stay. Both sets of parents did/do and my closest friend has a couple of times but not one single other person did and when I went back to visit they weren't bothered about seeing me after a year or so.

Not very often. My friends brother moved to another continent with his wife and 2 DC around 2014. She saw him twice in 3-4 years (between 2014 and 2018.) Haven't seen him since. Her 2 nephews don't know her. (They were around 6-8 when he left 12 years ago.)

I have had a few friends move 200 to 300 miles away who promised to keep in touch, and they did, for about 1-2 years, then stopped. It's like when people leave the workplace. They have good intentions when they leave, and intend to stay in touch, but their lives move on, they make new friends, they have new work colleagues, they have new neighbours, and you drop into the past...

There's a very strong likelihood that people won't stay in touch sorry @Rewis As I said, maybe for a while, a year or two, but not much longer than that.

I think it depends on if you take turns to visit. You will lose quite a few, it’s just how it is and you make some new ones.

It also depends on whether it's a permanent move or for a couple of years. People visited me when I lived in a holiday place (long haul) for a few years.

You are right though that most of your current circle will not visit. However over time some friendships wane anyway as jobs change/ people have DC/ get new partners etc.

Thank you for your responses. My main take away is that I was right 😃
I've hd friends who have moved away, I've moved away. People grow apart, move away, have kids and get married etc. You'll make new friends if you're lucky. I know this but it still makes me a bit sad knowing what I will miss eventhough I will likely gain as much. I was merely confused on how my bf was thinking I was being negative and needed someone to tell me that I wasn't

I was happy to visit when I could (distance within reason) till I had kids. Then my kids had their activities and preferences and it didn’t make sense anymore to go out of my way to visit. To be honest the closest relationships are generally with those who are in close proximity. People who are apart of your normal life and routine.

I wouldn’t let that stop you moving away. But just be realistic that you’ll need to build a new support network, as your relationships at home will move on.

I think it's something that you have to be realistic about. You also have to be realistic about how easily you'll make new friends in the new place. It can be really hard to create new friendships from nothing.

I was the one abroad for nearly 20 yo. My best friendships did fine but yes the rest were lost.
I travelled home 1-4 times a year and tried to be avaible but of couse also had a responsibility for my family.
And it costs money and annual leave to travel - it's an issue too.

I visit my friend in Europe about once a year but we speak every couple of weeks . When she comes home we meet at least a couple of times but unfortunately we don’t have room for them to stay with us . Another close friend moved about an hour away but visits her adult children regularly so we get together about every 6 weeks . Sometimes we meet half way for lunch or shopping . I like both these friends so I make the effort to stay in touch.

Bil and sil and kids moved away, so did MIL after FIL died, probably getting on for ten yrs ago now.
We don’t make much effort to visit them to be honest as it’s a proper faf to get there and then be somewhere not as nice as where we live! To do an equivalent journey time wise we could be in the Mediterranean sipping a cocktail in about 1hr less time than it takes to get there so it doesn’t appeal for holidays and they've no space for visitors staying. Local hotels either really expensive or really grotty.

We’ve only seen them at funerals they've come back for in the last 5 yrs. It’s definitely changed previously close relationships, they’re pretty much “people we used to know” now. But thats not to say moving was the wrong thing for them, they are very happy where they are. Life moves on!

I’ve seen my brother, who moved to the US, three times in 9 years and his children, my nieces and nephews, not once. It’s makes me really sad actually, though I don’t think they are too fussed.

@Rewis ask yourself why you are considering moving away from your support network. What awaits you in the new place? Will your boyfriend be the only person you know there?

I was merely confused on how my bf was thinking I was being negative

Listen to your doubts. If you have any doubts at all that this is a good move for you at least take some more time to think about it. There should be no confusion, you should both be on the same page and he should listen to you not dismiss your concerns.

I agree with this. These days there are so many people who are lonely and struggle to make new friends and they are often people with perfectly good social and communication skills. While the decision to move may have enough pros to outweigh the loss of a support network you need to be realistic here rather than naively hoping for the best.

I think it would be hard enough in the UK to maintain friendships let alone overseas tbh

I dont think he was dismissing my concerns. I think he is just being naive and unrealistic and trying to "comfort" me when I was bringing this up in the cons column. Yes, we are taking our time to think about this (and already have for a long time) as we will both be the only people we know. I just kind of needed the reassurance that my social circle is not asocial weirdos but people usually do lose touch. Life also changes at home aswell, so many friendships have reduced to annual meeting (if that) eventhough we live few miles apart, it is same but different.

I think a big factor is even with a good friend who I see every couple of weeks I would not necessarily want to visit them for a whole week or whatever.

I dont think he was dismissing my concerns. I think he is just being naive and unrealistic and trying to "comfort" me when I was bringing this up in the cons column.

Please be careful. You obviously know him, I do not, but I have been in a similar situation. I believed his concern, I thought he had my best interests at heart, he seemed so genuine.

I really do hope your partner is all those things @Rewis but please be aware that some people can be very believable, especially when they are manipulating things to go their way.

Good luck to you, whatever you choose