I’ve unknowingly given my partner an STD!

[MeganBoo]

I’m feeling beyond shit right now and want the ground to swallow me up. I’m 25, been with my current partner for 2 years and I really do see a future with him and even have plans to move to his area. We’re very sexually active, don’t want to go too much into details but recently he started getting marks on his privates. We both genuinely thought nothing of it as the marks looked like scars and we ruled it off as it being from the amount of sex we have and friction.

Well…last week he went to get checked for the first time and he’s informed me today that I’ve given him an std. I know it can’t be from his previous partners as he’s only had two before me and they were both virgins and no cheating etc. I feel mortified and disgusted in myself for giving him something that he’ll now have to live with! My minds working overtime right now and I have no idea who gave it to me, how long I’ve had it for etc, I don’t understand how I had no symptoms.

Im currently staying at my partners house and he’s at work, he popped round for 10minutes to inform me I’ve given him something and asked who I’ve been cheating on him with. I haven’t cheated on him at all, we broke up for a bit at the start of last year and I met up with my ex, we were supposed to just talk as he said he wanted closure but we ended up sleeping together and when I told my current partner and tried to explain how me and him weren’t together at the time he called me a slag and said how men can sleep about but not women (even though he was also sleeping with an ex at the time). He left the house again after this conversation so I’m now here dwelling on everything and I feel like we didn’t even start talking about the whole situation properly, I want time to hurry up so he can come back and we can talk properly but it’s going so slow right now and I can’t relax or eat I feel so on edge.

I don’t know what our future together looks like now but I feel like my world’s just fallen apart. I hate myself for giving him something and can’t even describe how bad I feel…I don’t know if he’ll forgive me as right now I don’t even I can’t even forgive myself. Just needed to let this out as I’m feeling a whirlwind of negative emotions right now.

His reaction sounds bizarre and attacking (as a means of defense of his own behaviour… 🤔?). I’d go and get tested and find out if you even have it and what std it is, how long it sticks around without symptoms etc. it’ll become more clear from there and you could decide whether you need to inform your ex. Either way, I’d drop this one. Very sus that he’s saying you don’t need to get tested. Is he proposing he gets you treatment for it?

Him telling you not to get tested is a HUGE red flag.

Compare your reaction to his. That tells you everything.

Get yourself tested asap and get home asap. Dump him. I strongly suspect he’s the cheater but regardless of that, his behaviour towards you is completely unacceptable. You deserve better.

Sweetheart don't get a lift home with him. A 100 mile car journey will be excruciatingly uncomfortable.

Gather up your stuff and jump on a bus get yourself to a travel hub and get away home. He sounds a very unpleasant man.

Why would you listen to this fucking clown????

He is also spouting nonsense like "how men can sleep about but not women" and he called you a slag.

He has no idea his last 2 partners were virgins.
You have no idea if you have an std.

Get a test.

My rule is everyone gets a test before anyone puts anything anywhere. I suggest you adopt this rule with future partners. after you dump his dumb ass

.

Whoever gave what to whom, this guy's a complete jerk. Bin him and go for tests where you can speak with someone.

He called you a slag and told you that you don’t need to get tested for his bullshit reason? Are you desperate? Drop him like he’s hot.

It's herpes, yes? That can lie dormant for years and often the carrier is completely unaware. Then bang! An outbreak out of nowhere. Been there done that and sadly have the t-shirt. A couple of years in, massive penile sore, assumption of friction after being rather enthusiastic together, doctor also thought the same...he has outbreaks every now and again (a few years since) I've never had anything, before it since. 100% no cheating on either side.

...and it doesn't show up in routine testing. Specific testing during an outbreak is the only way afaik.

Very unlikely that he’s only been with virgins before, but even if that’s true virgins can get STDs too! Virgins can get herpes from oral sex, for example among other things.

Anyway, get home ASAP and get yourself tested ASAP

@Damnloginpopup Thank you for sharing as I’m over here panicking! You guessed correctly, I was anxious to say what it is as I’m worried I may also have it and feel like I’m disgusting due to the way people talk about this specific std.

The reason people mention this one in particular is because once you have it you can’t get rid of it. Condoms can’t fully protect against it so every future partner could end up getting it.

Get the test, leave him irrespective of the outcome, and remember this next bit…don’t ever let a man (or anyone) talk to you like this again.

Other modes of transport may be available. If so just go. Don't be dependent on him taking you home. There will be discussions/arguments/name calling etc so take the initiative. Of course they were virgins, they told him they were and he told you!!

You're not disgusting. It's a very common viral infection. It's very easily transmitted 'at certain times' and no chance at others. Hence it took us so long to have that initial (secondary) outbreak. And we had not been remotely chaste in the years prior to that! Shit happens. Is contracting flu judged? Nah. Oral cold sores (same thing-ish). Just because the method of transmission is sexual it's an 'easy' thing to say. Sadly it's a permanent affliction though. Antiviral medication is available (free) soothing creams are available (we get virasol from home bargains) and it's manageable pretty much.

You both need to read up on it. Assuming that you are a carrier you have it. If it's come from him (same possibility of delayed outbreak but unlikely if he's showing the symptoms) you might not have it. Anger and feeling gutted is normal, and to be honest, understandable but blame is not really valid if you were unaware and if neither of you were unfaithful. You need to spend the time having some frank conversations and adjusting to the new reality. It's a grown up world.

My sympathies to you both though, it's a shitty bombshell.

Do you want to have a future with a man who think it's fine for men to "sleep around" , but women who do are slags?

And he has no idea if the women he has previously had sex with were actually virgins. He has zero evidence that you have given him an STD

My personal recommendation is, you're only 25, get out of the relationship before it becomes more serious and stick to decent men in future. And get tested for STDs

What?
men can sleep about but not women

Bin him off
Get tested and treated

Get tested ASAP.

Check his internet history on every device. Don't have sex with him again.
Let him take you home then tell him to do one.

@MeganBoo oh, I see it's herpes. It doesn't need penetrative sex to transmit it. He really should have done some basic research before gobbing off and insulting you

No evidence what so ever but his word that he had sec with virgins before you

I agree, at their ages its highly unlikely anyone is a virgin.

Don't, even if he suddenly starts being nicer (as if!) have sex with him. Go home however you can without him - get a cab to a train station straight away. He's angry and accusing you of all sorts, you aren't safe with him.

And then get tested for everything.

He's fucked somebody else and is blaming you.

Have you ever had symptoms of this before yourself?

So in light of knowing what it is, why do you think you’re the carrier? Other than his word?

Honestly @MeganBoo you don’t deserve him talking to you like that. He’s still a twat.

You can transmit herpes if you have a cold sore or had one and it hadn’t healed properly. It’s also something that can lie dormant for years. Don’t sleep with him again, get yourself tested and break up with this dick.

Because he knows this is bullshit! Sounds like basic deflection on his part. Herpes can lay dormant for years, if youve had it, youd remember as the first breakout is the worst.

And its not necessarily passed via sex.

Er, sounds like he’s the one whose be shagging somebody else and may have given it to you.
Get tested 👍