At what point would you downgrade a "friend" to "someone you used to know?"

[RedCurtainsNotPurple]

Someone you're in pretty regular contact with, perhaps monthly "how are you" texts and the odd meme etc. See each other a couple or a few times per year, but then all contact stops even though you've sent a couple of breezy messages. No fall out at all, just leading different and busy lives.

At what point, if you had to put a pin in it, would you write them off, assume they've moved on and just obviously aren't bothered. I'd say around one year.

A lot sooner than a year!

Depend on how long I'd know them. If I'd met them (say) through a hobby club and only known them a few months (and no longer went to the club) it's very different to someone you've known for years. IME it's common to have periods with long standing friends where you are less in contact interspersed with ones where you are more in contact.

Yes now you mention it I'm actually in more contact with newer friends than ones I've known for years and years, where they can go off radar (as can I) for months at a time

Honestly it depends on the friendship. I have some close friends who at times drop off the radar for a while for different reasons. However when we meet up it is always great. I do think with social media we have started to expect quick replies where as before contact was slower.

I've got a few friends who just message me once or twice a year and say how are you, so initially I used to reply with a few lines giving them an update, and ask how are they getting on etc. Then they say "we are all fine thanks". And that's it for another 6 months or more.

I don't remove them from social media or anything but I just stop trying to interact. They also seem to be the same people who only want to meet up if you suggest travelling to their area.

Do friendships ever fade even though both people are still good and decent and there was no falling out. Just life moved on? Idk why but it hurts to think about the friendships that have gone. People who ignore me when I reach out.

I think it is hurtful but I suppose it depends on if you have a large group of friends and family to fall back on. People are often thoughtless and if they have better things to do, you aren't thought of. And there's no reason at all why you shouldn't feel hurt unless its mutual; if you just lose touch or like me get fed up of the "I'm okay are you okay yes we're all okay" messages and just don't contact people any more, then maybe not a big issue?

I have lots of other friends. And I'm very close with my family. I always know family will always be there for me.

Well I don’t contact or speak to people for years, mainly due to distance, but then I’ll get a email or messsge and it’s like no time has passed at all and I’d still consider them my friend. But, for example, I meet with a group of women that started when our kids were at school together, and now it’s about five years since they all left but we still meet up. But some I only see in these groups and our friendship would not be sustained if they stopped, whereas a few others it would be. So while I’d call them a friend now, I wouldn’t after six months of not meeting.

Why downgrade them?

I was on holiday a couple of years ago and bumped into two people I'd last seen nearly 15 years earlier. I'd moved away, and we'd drifted apart after that.

I was delighted to see them, they were delighted to see me, and we promptly spent the afternoon in the pub catching up.

They were my friends 20 years ago, they were my friends on that day, and they were my friends for the intervening 15 years that we hadn't seen each other.

A friend is someone you like who's company you enjoy. They don't stop being that just because you haven't seen them.

I don't downgrade someone from being my friend unless they actively do something to hurt me.

I stopped reaching out once I took the hint that they don't want to talk to me anymore. But I get confused why the friendship ended.

When they don't respond within a day to any messages I send and when they don't have much to say when we meet up. Or at any point if I thought they weren't a good ( ie honest and kind) person.

For anyone who fails any of the above, I don't want that kind of friend

I definitely give people a chance. One was an old neighbour but all one sided efforts so its fizzled.. I dont know op people more flaky now. Think both sides have make efforts though.

Never.

I don't consciously 'downgrade' anyone unless we've actually fallen out. If we come into contact again I am happy to pick up where we left off.

Life is long and we move in and out of each other's spheres for a variety of reasons. 'A friend I've lost touch with' doesn't cease being a friend; we may well resume chatting in the future and I still think of them with fondness.

Not sure exactly but maybe a year for a fairly recent friend and maybe two for a friend I had more history. I personally find it a bit delusional to consider someone I've had no contact in years with a friend, there's nothing of any substance there. Doesn't mean I don't like them but then I like Taylor Swift, that's not enough to make us friends.

I had an experience recently with someone who was a close friend for 8 or so years and then had a couple of children and, I think, some PND issues. I tried for quite a while to keep in contact with her but she stopped responding and I didn’t push it thinking we would reconnect when she was out of the fog of young children and that we were now friends who had lost touch.

I bumped into her in May while I was out with a mutual friend. She completely blanked me and just spoke to the friend, so sadly I think now she is just somebody that I used to know. Although she treated more like a friend she’d fallen out with!

Well I had a long standing friendship that went a bit funny last year. I got a new well paid job and she stopped speaking to me. I kept sending the odd message hoping to stay friends because I do actually like her! Last Christmas my phone broke and I’ve changed phones. I’ve lost her number but mine is the same. I thought she will text me one day….its been 8 months and she hasn’t texted once!!! I find it hard to believe that people would write off a friendship just because they haven’t heard from them! It does work both ways and sometimes there are issues!

Yes this is a tricky one.

ive had a friend who I was friends with for 13 years but realised around the time i became pregnant that i was doing most of the reaching out and asking to meet. I decided just to stop reaching out in the hope she would get in touch and 8 years later I never heard from her!!

I got in touch recently and we exchanged a back and forth where she said ‘oh but you never got in touch either’ . I guess it just exposed differences in communication expectations (hers being that I got in touch which I didn’t feel great about) . There were other issues with the friendship too.

I still feel sad about the loss of that friendship and there are a couple of others with a similar pattern. It seems to be a pattern of mine.

i wouldn’t write any of them off but I’m sure the friendship doesn’t exist anymore sadly and sad that the friendship wasn’t valuable enough to them to warrant a message to me.

I’ve got quite a lot of friends like that. I might not see them for ages, but on the occasions we do meet up everything is good. However they would reply and they mostly live further away.
There are other friends who live closer who have faded away or just not been there at all (not even a text) when I’ve had some really bad things happen, and while I don’t consider myself to have fallen out with them and would speak if I saw them, I don’t go out of my way for them anymore. As I have got older I find my friendship circle is quite small and I don’t feel like I need people as much.

I'd just stop texting and reaching out to them if I was never hearing back. IF they want a friendship, they will contact you.

No idea what 'downgrading them' means? I wouldn't block their number or delete say facebook.

I have only heard of "grading" of friends on socials etc. Seems so tiresome.
I have some friends who I really only catch up with every few years but it's as if no time has passed.
I can only think of one friend who has really upset me and we have now drifted; but I'm fairly sure that - if we needed each other - I would put that side and she would gloss over my lack of one to one meet ups.
As others have said, as you get older, friendships drift due to life and you have a smaller circle but... if an old mate pops up, then it is lovely.
I really don't have a hierarchy.

I miss the people I went to school with

I just leave it open, like who knows maybe you'll both pick things back up, maybe not, either way it's fine. I don't really feel the need to close a door on them. Might be different if there was a big bust up or betrayal but I've never had that happen.

Yes, I know what you mean. I think the point at which I’d say “I used to be friends with her” depends on how long we were friends for.

Someone who I’d known for a couple of years but who then moved away and sent a message to say she had a lot on but would be in touch soon? That became someone I used to know really quickly.

A person I’d met at university, had moved into my shared house, introduced my boyfriend and all his friends to and went on several holidays with? I realised the other day that I last saw her a decade ago and she last replied to one of my messages six years ago (and last read any of my messages about four years ago).

I started referring to her as “someone I used to be friends with” a couple of years ago. It was sometimes quite uncomfortable because people would say “And how’s Sarah?” and I would have to tell them that she’d dropped me (awkward). And when I referred to her as “someone I used to be friends with” they would get really weird about it - but sometimes friendship does end and that is okay.

I don't downgrade unless (very rarely) they have done something to hurt me or my family or similar. I think if it gets to the point where you see them in the street / supermarket but just say hello and don't stop to chat then they are probably just someone you used to know, but equally there are people who have never been friends in the sense of having their number, meeting up with them that I will stop and chat to, they are still only people I know.