At what point would you downgrade a "friend" to "someone you used to know?"

[RedCurtainsNotPurple]

Someone you're in pretty regular contact with, perhaps monthly "how are you" texts and the odd meme etc. See each other a couple or a few times per year, but then all contact stops even though you've sent a couple of breezy messages. No fall out at all, just leading different and busy lives.

At what point, if you had to put a pin in it, would you write them off, assume they've moved on and just obviously aren't bothered. I'd say around one year.

I don't even think it's an active decision to downgrade. Sometimes a relationship fades until there's nothing left, it's not something that's completely in your control.

People on MN can be very black and white about friendships but it’s not really like that irl. People drift in and out. You as well as others in your life.

Apparently it's also acceptable to put your head down when you walk past someone you know to avoid eye contact and saying hello

I think there’s a lot of squeamishness about saying that Sandra is not your friend any more. It feels like more of a failure than a romantic break up. Somehow “Oh yeah, Simon and I split up last year” is much easier than “Judith and I were once really good friends but I don’t hear from her any more”. The first gets a sympathetic nod while the second often gets “Oh, you really should make the effort to get back in touch”.

Well, isn’t that fair? There are people I’ve drifted from and I/we should make the effort to keep in touch. It’s one of my only real regrets.

Honestly? If you have already made a lot of effort to get in touch but the other person doesn’t read your messages, let alone reply to them, it’s annoying to have other people tell you that you should make more effort. I mean, you could - but it probably tips the scales into rudeness. If you contact someone several times and they don’t respond then it is time to respect that they aren’t interested.

Do you have any socials in common? I would worry if something had happened I might not know about, but if they're posting lots of stuff, then I'd know they were ok.

I’d stop trying eventually, especially if getting no response. I had a similar situation with a friend I’d known for a long time. Last we spoke we were trying to arrange meeting up, which she suggested I believe, but she wouldn’t actually confirm any plans and wasn’t consistent with messaging back. I took this as a message in itself and decided after that to leave the ball in her court. No hard feelings but felt awkward chasing her up as I was wondering if I’d done something to upset her. We had been drifting for a while to be honest and contact was becoming more sporadic over time.

I wouldn’t say I used to know her though because of how long we were friends, I feel like I’ll always know her to an extent. I’d class her as more of a distant friend. I’d respond if she got in touch, would stop and chat if I bumped into her, but I don’t feel obliged to check in regularly like my other friends.

Other people who I hadn’t known as long and had more surface level friendships with would fall into the someone I used to know category. For me this is usually along the lines of people I knew at school, work colleagues I’ve not spoken to in a decade, work colleagues I only knew for a short time, the mums from primary school that I’ve not spoken to since my dc left. I might have gotten along well with these people but didn’t know them that well. I’ve not written them off but we weren’t close anyway. I might find myself back in touch with some of these people one day but it seems unlikely.

I think sometimes friendships can ebb and flow or have ‘seasons’ and sometimes you drift and then come back to each other at a later point for a variety of reasons. Unless there had been a falling out I wouldn’t write anyone off, but it’s okay to quietly take a step back from someone who doesn’t seem interested whilst leaving the door open for future interactions. Maybe that’s what they want and they don’t want to continue the friendship as it was, in which case fine or maybe things will come back around again.

Depends why I haven't seen them. If they ignore me (or rarely, have done something to seriously piss me off) then I'd probably downgrade them to "someone I used to know". But I have Facebook friends I haven't seen for many years and I'd happily meet up with them for a catch up. Some are old schoolfriends, some are former colleagues, one is someone I met on a course and a few are people I met on holiday. I'm unlikely to bump into most of them due to distance and we all have busy lives.