What’s a tiny, yet unhinged, thing an ex did? Light-hearted

[RiotNotDiet]

A small, seemingly minor thing that you look back on and go ‘thank god we didn’t stay together?’ I just had a memory pop up of the time my ex husband and I were just sitting chatting in bed. I accidentally let out a teeny tiny fart and obviously said ‘oops excuse me’. Bear in mind this guy was hugely overweight, ate mostly just takeaway like kebabs and pizza, and would constantly let/force out rip roaring stinking farts with abandon and laugh it off. Honestly he was a pig and I can’t believe my younger self put up with that.

He went bonkers at my tiny trump. Went on about how disgusting it was. I was stunned, because it’s natural, was not intended, I didn’t shove his head under the duvet and laugh or anything, and I had quickly said excuse me. He went on and on about it, even to the point that it was discussed in at least 2 or 3 sessions of our couples therapy (we were already on the rocks, no surprise!) I was so baffled, it was like it was the first fart he’d ever heard in his life or something and he just couldn’t understand why I had farted. God knows how the therapist kept a straight face!

When I asked where my birthday card was, went to the shop to buy it then handed to me still in cellophane wrapper.

Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase “the fart that lingered” 🤣

It was the always needing to empty his bowels just as we needed to leave the house. I always had to add a half hour onto any leaving time. wtf is all that about

I got upset because he'd bought a mothers day card from the kids for HIS mother, but nothing for me (kids too young to buy their own). He stormed to the shop and bought the exact same card, I mean identical, including the line "happy mothers day to the best grandma ever", and threw it at me. Then when I looked shocked, he raged that I wanted the same as his mother and now I'd got it, so what was I complaining about.

Wow. What a seriously nasty, toxic arse. I hope he went in the bin very quickly after that.

Went into the sales office of the new build I was buying and told them to cancel the sale - thankfully they didn’t and gave me the heads up.

Then came round that evening and told me he wanted to give it another go BUT he wouldn’t give up the OW just yet because if it didn’t work out he needed options!

yeah I went ahead and divorced him!

When we broke up, carefully packed up every single thing to do with me from his place and life and sent it to me via DHL. Not only my possessions, which would be fair enough, but a used razor… a memory stick with every photo of us together or photo he had with me in and a note saying they’d been deleted from his devices. Every gift I’d given him (clothes, kindle, half used aftershave), 4 years worth. Little notes I’d left. Every card. Half used bit of soap. Every single thing to do with me. Cost a fortune to deliver this box…

Absolute nut, bless him. I still have the nice things he gave me 🤷‍♀️

Refused to use a towel more than once unless it had been in the washing. Even when we went camping he would pack a bag with about 10 towels in it.

Not when we were together but when we broke up my ex took as much as he could to start over with OW - the funniest thing was he text saying he wanted the plants from the garden so he came and dug them up to take to hers! It became a joke to me and my friends about what he could ask for next but that was the funniest I can remember!

Ha ha ha, imagine you're the OW, and this prince turns up triumphantly with a wheelbarrow of ripped-up plants for you 'from my ex's garden'... you'd be reviewing your life choices pdq... 😂

Told me he was gay as an excuse to break up 🤷‍♀️

Trained at home in the spare room ( as well as going to martial arts several times a week..) I usually got home before him after work and when he came through the door I wasnt allowed to speak to him as it would ruin him getting into the zone as he rushed upstairs.

Turned up at my flat after I had left him, and said Babe you need to let me move in with you, the people I'm living with want me to get a job and pay rent!
Reader, I did not.

Oh yes @olafreesame with that ex husband of mine! I had to factor in at least 20 mins for him generally faffing and being late, plus an extra 30 mins for a giant poo before we left. What is that all about?!

@ghostyslovesheetsthe house thing is definitely bonkers. Were you buying it together?

@Chaletwest my most recent ex partner did similar when he broke up with me. He totally blindsided me a few days after declaring endless love 🙄 turned up with all my used up mini toiletries I’d kept at his, blunt razor, dregs of moisturiser, half full pack of paracetamol etc. Returned all that. But he kept the lovely kindle and designer shirt I’d given him literally 4 weeks earlier at Christmas though. Fucker. If I hadn’t been so stunned I’d have asked for them back and got a refund!

We were due to go to his mum’s for lunch but we lost track of time and got there about 20 minutes late. His mum (who was a stickler for time keeping) asked what had held us up so he spins off this whole story about getting stuck behind a little red car being driven ‘by a granny’ and how he kept trying to overtake but couldn’t due to traffic etc. He then said he thought the ‘granny’ might have been one of his mum’s friends…and he just kept adding more bizarre detail about her wearing a hat that covered her eyes etc.

It was early in the relationship and I wish I’d been more alarmed at how easy it was for him to lie. That turned out to be the pattern of the relationship, one bizarre lie after another!

Mine stood on my doorstep waving a packet of condoms at me so that I could see that he had moved on to better things! He hadn't and still hasn't nearly 25 years later as apparently he often tells wife No.2 that he'd have me back in a heartbeat - such a loser 😆

Controlling behaviours now that I look back:

1. Had an issue with me reading books. When we were travelling back on the tube, he took my book out of my hands and put it in my bookcase because 'you don't need it'. Obviously I got the book back out immediately. He also didn't like having a single book left on the table or sofa and wanted me to put it on the bookshelf.

2. He was obsessed with everyone eating the same thing for dinner. His diet was limited to meat and some form of carbs, so this was ignored.

A very odd man-child!

When I ended the marriage, my Ex paid a white witch to put a spell on me to try and get me to fall in love with him again. Thankfully it didn't work 😅

Im not a grabby person or entitled. I really do love all gifts people give me.

But for Xmas, all my ex got me, (and I mean the only thing he got me) was cat litter and a pack of Tesco finest croissants.

He then ate all the croissants.

When my ex finally realised I wasn’t going to give in and take him back he demanded “his half” of everything we’d bought jointly.

While I was out he let himself into my flat (I didn’t know he’d made a copy of the key I’d taken back) and took half of the shopping I’d bought (he was there but I paid for it!) including half a bottle of ketchup, half a tin of beans, half a bag of frozen chips, half a bottle of shampoo and so on.

Absolutely unhinged. He did apologise years later and was genuinely shocked when I said it was the best thing he could have done as it 100% guaranteed I would never, ever give him another chance as that was creepy unhinged.

Slept with a down turned mouth - like pulling a comedy 'i'm sad face'.

I’m not sure it is tiny, but certainly unhinged. We split because he cheated. When I was at work, my neighbours caught him at my house, on my drive, going through my bins. He also kept a key to my garage (despite saying he hadn’t), let himself in when I was at work, and helped himself to various things he hadn’t wanted the week before..

I went out with a man who was totally bald, yet insisted on buying Kerastase volumizing shampoo. For his head skin.

Same fella, when I broke up with him, wrote me a letter on the type of letter-writing stationery they used to sell in packs for secondary school children at WH Smith, telling me he knew I still had feelings for him and it was OK, we could get back together, he wouldn’t hold this little blip against me. He’d written the letter with a fountain pen, and I could see where he’d made evenly spaced lines in pencil with a ruler so that his writing stayed straight. He was 32.

Put vinegar on Christmas dinner with my family. Refused to learn to drive because he didn't want to commit to doing something [lessons] at the same time every week.

His "Im a free spirit, me" schtick was very tedious.