How do you handle jealousy?

[birdsingsong]

I didn’t think I was a jealous person but I feel really pushed aside.
As an only daughter I have always had a strong bond with my mum even though we don’t live near each other, we’d chat for hours on the phone and see each other when we could.
My brother is recently divorced but when he was with his wife they didn’t see them particularly often and my mum would often say she sees my children more that there’s.
Since they separated he has the children every weekend and every Sunday he now visits my mum with the children, naturally as she’s been seeing them regularly they have become close and he has a new partner who goes too.
I have noticed the strong bond between my mum and new SIL as they see each other every week, do lots together and mums bond with my brothers children getting stronger.

I feel left out, we had that strong bond but it feels like she is closer to them now, every time I call she talks about them, we recently visited and they came and mum seemed more focused on them and it felt like we were outsiders.
I always felt my mum was closer to me than my brother and closer to my children and now it feels that has flipped as she spends more and more time with them and they become her primary focus.

I don’t feel my brothers partner is particularly friendly to us and it feels like the dynamics have shifted and I feel left out, I feel like I’ve lost my mum as she prioritises them, she talks about them all the time and any plans to see her include them and depend on what suits them.
I know it’s just an emotion but I can’t help feeling jealous as I see how close they’ve become and I don’t very significant to my mum anymore.

Honestly, OP, isn’t it nice that your brother and your mother have become closer?

Husband and children.

How recently is your brother divorced? He already has a new girlfriend who is around the kids all the time?

No friends?

Just enjoy seeing them close. Far less pressure on you, Op.

Trust that your Mum loves you.
She's getting joy from others now too.
This is normal.

Practice voicing approval to Mum, even if you don't agree totally with your own words.
Hear yourself say.....
Mum, bro's DD just loves your rose garden.
Mum, you had a lovely outing with SIL. I'm so pleased you enjoyed that cafe together.

Say kind reasonable things. Soon your resentment will diminish.

You all sound quite unhealthily enmeshed.

Broaden your horizons. See friends. Do fun things with DH and your family.

Yes when his wife walked out he met her a few weeks later and they have been inseparable since.

She isn’t very friendly to us but she is very dominating and it makes us feel invisible as she likes to do everything her way and my mum and brother tip toe round doing what she wants.

I only see my mum a few times a year and we chat on the phone once a week.

So where is this jealousy stemming from if you don’t see or talk to your mother any less?

In that case why is it such a big deal?

I think you just need to just need to get over it OP. Your mum sees your brother more so day to day they’re going to be a bit closer. It’s inevitable. Doesn’t mean she loves you or your children less. Maybe make an effort to visit once a month rather than a few times a year if it bothers you to invite her down to yours.

while you’ve never been the favoured one (though we all find our mother incredibly difficult to be around) I guess you don’t think about it as much.

I’ve had a lot going on lately and I don’t feel like my mums there for me like she used to be, I’ve always been able to talk to her and she’s always been a great support but it just feels like she’s invested somewhere else now.

Can you have a word with your brother if you would like to visit your mum with your kids but without their cousins? If they all go every week and you go a few times a year, it’s not unreasonable that your kids get solo granny time sometimes.

Is there an element of making up for lost time with your mum, if she never used to see her other DGCs much?

what would you like her to do differently? Are you saying “having a really tough time at work” and she’s saying “oh dear! You should have seen little Katy on the swings today”

Or is it that there is a more equal level of talking/listening on the phone because she is busier now and has more to say?

That should have said “when you’ve never been the favoured one” not “while”. Sorry couldn’t edit it.

sorry if I seemed harsh OP. But it seems like you have a mum that does care about you and is interested in you. My mum is a complete narcissist so it’s hard to listen to people gripe about perfectly nice mothers.

have you tried to tell her how you’re feeling, not about your brother, but what’s been happening lately as you say you’ve had a lot on. Does she cut you off mid sentence to talk about herself or your brother? Or does she just have a bit more to say about what’s been going on in her life?

Is your DB using your mum for childcare as he doesn’t have to ‘look after’ his children if he’s with her?
why the sudden interest.

and a new partner a few weeks after he left? Those poor kids, parents separated and with another partner before they can process it?

I'm sorry OP it sounds hard and I get it.

But you still talk to her weekly, right? In what way is she not there for you?

she says recently divorced. Divorce isn’t a quick process so I imagine they must have separated some time ago. Didn’t read like it had been a matter of weeks since the brother and his wife split.

he probably is partly using mum for child care, but it doesn’t seem like she minds seeing her grandchildren more often.

Read the update, it says he got with her within weeks of his wife walking out. How terribly confusing for the children, maybe that’s why your mum is stepping up for them?

sorry. Missed that update.

still.just because they got together quickly doesn’t mean she immediately met the kids. they could have been together for months before she actually met the children. He doesn’t have the children full time. OP is going to show them in as bad a light as possible because she’s jealous that her mums attention is now shared.

Hi OP,

What jumped out at me was how happy you used to be being the main focus - but how do you think your brother felt?

That can't make you happy, knowing someone else is unhappy...

I get what you are saying, but I think it is time for you to grow up a bit and realise that her loving him and his children doesn't mean she loves you any less.

Practice being happy for her happiness.
Make more of your children - after all, you are their mum now and you need to make them feel special.

And the comment about being enmeshed is true - time to separate a little? It is natural after all.