How do you handle jealousy?

[birdsingsong]

I didn’t think I was a jealous person but I feel really pushed aside.
As an only daughter I have always had a strong bond with my mum even though we don’t live near each other, we’d chat for hours on the phone and see each other when we could.
My brother is recently divorced but when he was with his wife they didn’t see them particularly often and my mum would often say she sees my children more that there’s.
Since they separated he has the children every weekend and every Sunday he now visits my mum with the children, naturally as she’s been seeing them regularly they have become close and he has a new partner who goes too.
I have noticed the strong bond between my mum and new SIL as they see each other every week, do lots together and mums bond with my brothers children getting stronger.

I feel left out, we had that strong bond but it feels like she is closer to them now, every time I call she talks about them, we recently visited and they came and mum seemed more focused on them and it felt like we were outsiders.
I always felt my mum was closer to me than my brother and closer to my children and now it feels that has flipped as she spends more and more time with them and they become her primary focus.

I don’t feel my brothers partner is particularly friendly to us and it feels like the dynamics have shifted and I feel left out, I feel like I’ve lost my mum as she prioritises them, she talks about them all the time and any plans to see her include them and depend on what suits them.
I know it’s just an emotion but I can’t help feeling jealous as I see how close they’ve become and I don’t very significant to my mum anymore.

This SIL won’t be a patch on you as far as your mum is concerned. It’s just circumstances mean they see each other more atm.

Maybe try to reframe it in your head. This is not about you v SIL. This is about your nephews/nieces getting support from a wide network at a tough time.

What was your mum's relationship like with your brother's ex wife?
Maybe she finds it easier to get on with his new partner and is making up for lost time if you say she didn't see your brother or his children that often before?

I thinking if you have a good, close relationship with your mum maybe just gently talk to her about how you feel.

I bet she will be surprised & won't realise how she is making you feel but might be able to explain it (e.g with an explanation like the one above).
Talking about it will make you feel better, not in a way to make her feel guilty because she sounds like she is just trying to be a good mum here, but festering on it will just make your resentment grow.

He met her a few weeks after his wife ending the marriage but they’ve been together almost 2 years now.

He moved in with her pretty quick as he was still living in the marital home when he met her, although separated.

He seems pretty happy but I suspect he takes them round to my mums for somewhere to go because I don’t think her house is set up for kids as she doesn’t have any.

Even my mum says she’s very bossy and dominant but he seems besotted and so my mum says she goes along with it so she can see them, she didn’t see much of them when he was married because I don’t think his wife got along well with my mum but they were civil so that’s why she didn’t see them anymore than us as it was just special occasions they’d get together.
I suppose now if he’s living in her house he needs to keep her happy and my mum needs to keep her happy so they spend time with her and she does like to take charge.

I would like to visit my mum and do some of the things we used to do instead of having to do what she dictates we will do.
I just feel like my mum prioritises that relationship at all costs and we don’t really matter anymore.

She’s enjoying seeing more of her other grandchildren, of course she is. And now he’s available more, with his kids, you must see why she wants to be with them not least that you see her so infrequently. As to the jealousy, I’d make more effort with new SIL and DB, try to feel happy mum has more company than she used to and work to accept how things have changed rather than resenting it. It doesn’t sound like she’s cancelled seeing you in favour of DB and you’re still speaking weekly. I don’t think a weekly call and 3 visits a year is that close tbh, one of my siblings lives on the other side of the world with a big time difference and talks to my mum several times a week.

Why don't you invite your mum to stay with you or take her out somewhere just the two of you/with your family?

Surely your brother & new partner could cope with one weekend parenting without your mum's support?

And how come the ex wife doesn't do any weekends?

My brother has always lived in the same town but when he was married he just didn’t see much of her, he was happily busy with family life but that was his choice.

I would like to visit my mum and do some of the things we used to do instead of having to do what she dictates we will do.

I think saying 'the kids miss one on one time with their gran, next time we come up, could we go out for the day, just us" or something. Or would she come to you?

I'm still not seeing what the real issue is here. Surely you're not hankering after the days when your mother apparently had literally no one in her life but you?

Invite her down to yours?

@birdsingsong you are hurting. You had a close relationship with your Mum and suddenly the focus switched. Your brother had opportunities to be close to your Mum for years but choose for whatever reason not to. That was on him. His ex cannot be blamed for that. Suddenly he, his new partner and his children are the focus for your Mum, because it suits your brother.
You have had a close bond with your mother, despite not being physically close. Now that is not your mother's primary focus anymore. It's good she has her other grandchildren back in her life along with her son, but she seems to have refocused on them to exclusion of you and your children. Was your brother the golden child growing up?
You are going to have to address this with her and tell her how you feel. Tell her you are really pleased to have your brother and his children back but it would be nice if you and her other grandchildren could do something with her when you visit.
Is your Dad still around?