If your family split due to an affair would you tell your dc the truth about why ?

[NewLeafNewStart]

Just seen a clip on fb saying you should never tell kids if that’s why, because they can’t process the emotions etc

where as I personally think it’s better to not lie

what do you think ?

What are your thoughts

Does this situation apply to you? What did you do?

I have never been in this situation but I feel that although if I was the wronged party it might ME feel better to tell the children it was thier Dad who mucked everything up, it would not help their relationship. I think for the kids it is better to just say you had mutually decided to split up and everyone still loves them etc.

I think maybe many years later when they were fully grown adults eg in thier 30's I might tell them the truth.

No but it could happen to anyone at anytime, plus has happened to quite a few people I know, and personally I’d rather be honest

i haven’t been in this situation, so I can’t say, but I wild be interested in hearing from those who were initially told it was mutual, then later heard that it was an affair.

i think for me the truth and authenticity are very important, and I wild feel annoyed at being misled. But that’s purely conjecture!

What if the kids are little though? Would a 5 year old need to know about the affair? Maybe some kids would handle the truth fine but others wouldn’t?

What if they find out later they’ve been lied to? By multiple people ? Could they handle that ?

It’s happened to me, my kids are very little. I will tell them perhaps when they are adults.

we are still together for now

Only if they where older and specifically asked or if ex was continuing relationship with person he cheated with then yes as daddy left to live with ....

I would give age appropriate information, a drip feed as they are older. If they don't eventually ask the question then they don’t want to know.

It depends how it’s framed I suppose but dh’s parent gave him the full details and it led to a massive fall out with the other parent

as an adult dh really resents that he was drawn in like that and that he had such a poor relationship with the cheating parent for so many years because of it.

You should always tell the truth, even young children have a sense of "something being missed out" when you don't fill them in, and it's more unsettling for them in the long run.

Truth should be age appropriate though: "Daddy's not being very nice to mummy so we're going to live separately now" or "Mummy's upset because Daddy likes someone else better, so we're not staying together" or whatever...more information as they get older.

When we split up our children were early teens so we gave more information.
Personally I would never "shield" a cheating spouse - why should I be making excuses for them? But, I would also be saying, "that doesn't mean Daddy doesn't like you as much as before" or to older children, ensure they know their relationship with the spouse is entirely theirs.

And if one parent won't be seeing them again, I'd also make sure they knew..."I understand how unhappy you feel, but we won't be seeing Daddy for a long time now" or whatever. Children then feel you've been straight and honest with them but in a way they can process and understand. And if they feel upset it gives them an opening to talk to you about it, so you can support their emotions of sadness.

My sister and I found out in our early 40s from a relative that our parents had split due to our mum having an affair and we’d always been told it was a mutual decision. Our mum never told us the truth even while my sister was going through her own divorce due to an affair, our dad had died by this point so we were never able to have an honest conversation with him about what he must have gone through.

We were so angry at being lied to and it’s badly impacted our relationship with our mum. We definitely wouldn’t have been able to understand it at the time (I was only 3 and my sister was 5), but we both felt that as soon as we were old enough to understand we should have been told. We were never able to comfort our dad, and he took the secret to his grave. We felt it was manipulative of our mum to lie to us and that she did us because she feared (rightly!) that we would have wanted to live with our dad.

The options aren’t tell them immediately or lie forever. I don’t think there’s a particular right answer, I think there’s so many factors that it’s just personal to each family.

The OP is asking what to say if you split up. Totally different if you've decided to stay together.

But your dad also lied didn’t he? It was his secret to keep too. It may have also been his wishes at the time. I do totally agree she should have told you at some point though, particularly when your sister was going through it too.

Totally agree with this. Yes, you should always tell children the truth, but in an age appropriate way. How can you expect them to tell you the truth as they grow older when you've lied to them? As another poster said, kids know when you are lying or leaving pertinent information out.

Only once they’re adults.

My DH made the mistake of not telling his adult kids that their mother’s partner was also her affair partner.

She told the kids that DH had deserted her for a younger woman.

You’re right - he did, but as he was the one who was “wronged” and he was the one who was dead and couldn’t speak for himself, the negative impact all fell on our relationship with our mum.

Every circumstance is different but in this case I'd err on the side of age-appropriate truth.

A relative of mine cheated on his wife and they decided to split up. They didn't tell the kids why, just that they'd fallen out of love blah, blah, blah. He moved out, as he should, and they were SO angry at her presumably because the optics were that she'd kicked him out and she got to stay in the house with them. It was incredibly unfair to her. She had done nothing wrong.

When they were older they learned the truth and then, not only did they have to deal with the emotional fall out of finding out, but the added guilt for how they'd treated their mother and what she'd had to go through.

It's not worth the dishonesty, I don't think.

No. Unless they were adults. Not fair to share that with them and risk damaging relationships.

I was told when my mum and dad broke up that it was because my mum had an affair. It was pretty difficult to pretend that wasn’t the case because I moved in with my step dad straight away. I wasn’t given it in an age appropriate way at all, but I don’t think it really affected me. Although if that happened to my DC I’d definitely do it in a more age appropriate way.

I told my (then), 7 year old that daddy had gone to live with another lady because he liked her better than me and it was ok to be sad because I was sad as well. Then answered whatever questions she had in an age appropriate way.

I told my DC the whole truth aged 16- it came out. I also told him his dad is a good dad and there are two people in a relationship, no need to take sides. I think hiding it too long is a bit weird and also they may well find out. An affair is more a symptom, so I think it’s about how you tell them more than when. Also child dependent.

My son was very young when this happened to me, he doesn’t remember his father living in our house. Son has no contact with his father (father abandoned him completely to appease OW and they moved 700 odd miles away). Now son is a teenager he’s asked me a lot of questions and I have been honest with him. He’s old enough to know the truth and was glad I told him. He’s also glad he doesn’t have to see his father.