Do I need to learn how to be softer at work events?

[febishere]

I work as an academic in climate change. I'm fairly senior and my job is to raise money for our work. It's late at night after a long day and I feel slightly mortified and too much.

Im at an international conference this week, and I've started to worry that the way I talk might be intense, and this might not be the best way to go about communication in work! My opinions are not controversial or anything, it's just that I feel people roll their eyes maybe, or find me to be too much. Slightly ranty.

Most days before any work event or conference- I tell myself I need to be demure and a listener. Then I end up sitting next to someone during lunch and walking away feeling gosh that might have been intense. It seems people don't talk about their work so intensely, they listen thoughtfully.

How do I learn this? Or should I just accept that this is personality. I'm 45 and exhausted at the idea of having to learn to do this. I do wonder if I need media training.

I hope this is just in my head and everyone feels this way after work events. How will I tolerate 2 more days of this!!

Note: I'm not rude, or loud, or intense in an annoying way that people avoid me or walk away.

Are you lecturing people on the subject whilst you’re talking?

I work in a more corporate environment but I used to be a bit like you describe. Every discussion was intense and work focussed. Then I had a colleague who was progressing well through the organisation and I observed her for a while (or a long time really we became good friends). She talked to people about pretty much anything except work in such a nice and friendly way. She talked about people’s families and hobbies and asked loads of open questions. I started to copy her and I was amazed at how people responded. So positively! Even very very senior people seemed so keen to chat about kids and holidays.
Sorry this all is probably not helping! Just sharing my experience. Maybe look for someone who is less intense and study and copy what they do?! It now (about a decade later) comes naturally to me and I often think how lucky I was to meet this colleague and observe her for so long!

Are you effective in what you do? Most climate change people are passionate.

Just gauge their interest. Are you talking at them? Monologuing about your own work or research but not asking about theirs? I was at an academic conference recently and got collared by a woman who started telling me all about her PhD research. It was genuinely interesting but she didn't shut up and I had to interrupt her quite firmly just to say I needed the loo before we reconvened after coffee break. It made me wary of chatting with her again, even though I liked her.

I’m a senior academic in the humanities. I have never in my entire life been ‘demure’ or ‘ a listener’ or ‘soft’ at conferences. What is giving you this idea? Conferences are for debate, dissemination of research, networking etc.

Informal chat over breaks. I don't think I am lecturing but I keep walking away mortified so I really don't know

Wow yes. I think this is what I'm doing wrong.

It feels people just don't want to talk about work over lunches, but my brain gets confused and wants to chat shop.

Thanks @SuddenLull. I love to hear that! I think its coming form my own issues of imposter syndrome or just general anxiety. A poster above really highlighted the benefit of just being normal and social rather than work focused.

@CypressMoon I do think I monologue a lot. It's hard not to. For some reason my brain tells me to present my pitch to everyone I meet! Trying to raise interest and the funding that hopefully follows feels like Im selling things to people constantly.

@Abcdefg22220

Honestly thanks for this! The more I think on it, I think it's exactly the solution to my issue. But I realise the hard part is going to be remember to do it in the moment. How did you manage to train your behaviour to switch? Or was it easy once you picked up on it?

I don’t see that in my environment, tbh, apart from people I know well and whose lives I know a bit about. My primary research specialism by its nature is quite fragmented across countries and institutions, so no one’s going to pass up the chance to talk shop — it’s genuinely crucial, as people can hook you up with contacts for archives in private hands etc. There’s a lot of information-sharing.

Sounds like you need to pull back on the pitch and focus more on sharing ideas. Do you talk about theories and methods as well as the topics you’re passionate about? Do you feel you come away from those conversations knowing as much about the other person’s research as they do about yours?

Also, very important IMO is that evening dinners are for R&R and cementing relationships, not serious debate.

This is exactly me. I’m sorry, no advice but you’re not alone.

I think that’s an important point. If you’re always on ‘Transmit’, you’re never going to learn things from other people.

I'd love it if we only talked shop. |tense information sharing and detailed is definitely the approach I would naturally favour. We're about 50/50 on academics and others (policy makers, consultants) or maybe people just want to socialise. It's so hard, because I also cant tell if this is in my head!

Talking naturally in networking situations does not always come easy to us all. And sometimes (if learned techniques) - "ask them about themselves", "look interested, tips head to one side", "ask them how that made them feel") it is so formulaic that it can make the recipient feel worse than if the first speaker had just gone on about themselves for the entire time. If you ask genuine questions including "why are you here" (not so blunt but you know what I mean) and "what did you think of today" then that starts things off. Again, I go back to formulaic, but if you are talking for more than 50% of the time (or whatever percentage depending on the group you are in), then you are dominating the conversation. I agree with others that in networking times you should "get off the subject a bit" with, again, around X% being non-subject based and there are always plenty of subjects to cover on this one. Everyone has to sell a bit, so don't feel bad, whether it is themselves, their company, their market, but if it is feeling out of balance, it probably is. You don't need to "learn anything" to do this stuff, just be aware and change your mode slightly.... and do be comfortable with silence. hope this helps x

Bottom line
Are you raising bags of money - if so, you're doing it right.
If not, you might need a different technique.

My early career was sales. I now work in academia. If you soend as much time listening as talking, you find out what people have to offer and can pitch appropriately. You need to persuade them to fund your project and whilst they need the facys for that, they also need warming up socially to make them receptive.

I agree with @Abcdefg22220
I work with people one to one and often in quite intense situations. The one thing people of all types frequently have in common is they like to talk about themselves.
Kindly, @febishereyou would be exactly the type of person I’d avoid like the plague at any work event. For most people, work is just that, it isn’t their passion. Active listening is a skill, you need to develop it. A curiosity about others and what makes them tick not only makes you a better conversationalist, it hides imposter syndrome and makes you more likeable. Which may very well help with fundraising. People often buy into people, rather than products.
It’s good advice to watch others at work, but practice active listening where you’re the one asking questions - and really listening to answers - before you speak on, and do it in your everyday life where you can.

If you can’t bear social chat and find yourself unstoppably moved to do your pitch and say your piece, I suspect you will find it very effortful trying to change your approach, without much reward. And you may still feel mortified and gauche afterwards.

If nobody’s avoiding you or running away, chances are you’re not significantly more intense or eccentric than anyone else. Anyone who goes to academic conferences with any regularity is used to a very wide range of social behaviours.

Hi from a fellow academic!

Similarly to what a previous poster asked, do you feel that your time at these conferences is translating to positive outcomes (funding, relationships, etc)? Is there any evidence - besides your own self-talk - that you are too intense? Perhaps it’s helpful to come back to these concrete benchmarks rather than your own feelings about being “too much”. I think we always overestimate how much other people are actually focusing on what we did or said.

However I also want to say that I really sympathise. I experience some kind of post-interaction social anxiety during conferences (even though I find them very enjoyable and kind of like my work-time equivalent of going to a festival). I worry about how I am perceived, am I weird, did I embarrass myself, etc. Given the long days, high social and intellectual load, and often a lot of alcohol (at least in my field), I don’t think it’s surprising that conferences might lead to anxiety or rumination.

I enjoy conferences for the community they bring, and part of that is the many different types of people there and all the varied qualities and insights they have. I am really sure the people you interact with feel the same.

I think it is common to feel anxious after work social situations. However, if you find that you are talking at people and lecturing them, then you might want to consider a more interactive approach. A conversation is much more entertaining than a lecture. It is also a good idea to gauge the other person's level of experience and knowledge before launching in. Too many people don't do this.

"I'm selling things to people constantly"

I constantly sold to people for 40+ years. I'm still good friends with many of the people I sold to. The way you "train your behaviour" is to remember the people you speak with are people. They're not just closed wallets for you to prise open and, unsurprisingly, won't feel thrilled to be treated as if they were.

Try being interested in them! I find humanity fascinating, both in general and individually. Some of this may be natural disposition but it's also very much a choice I have made, consciously and repeatedly.

Share something of yourself, too. If you're not a naturally open personality, you'll find it helpful to decide which areas of your life to make available, and which not. Normal topics are children, partner (brief), where you live and where you go on holiday. Some people like to exchange views or information about shopping, the arts, hobbies, cars, travel/commuting. Aim to come away feeling that you've got to know them better and have given something back.

As you're evidently committed to climate issues, you'll most likely find your conversations naturally lead into that somehow. Fine. It's good to show how everything we do connects to environmental concerns. No need to lecture, explain, or cite seventeen studies supporting your point; it's more than enough that your enthusiasm shines through - and it will.

Everybody, without exception, is really interesting on at least one topic. Explore the people they are, hear what they're saying, and you'll find it! I once spent two hours of a three-hour lunch talking to the marketing director of a FMCG corp about motorway design. I didn't have to 'humour' him, he was truly passionate about it and I enjoyed sharing my experiences of Britain's throughways. (I got the business.)

I'm an academic but would love to have your problem of talking shop. I end up just over sharing personal things and gossiping. In fact I get a huge dopamine hit from gossip and end up spiralling into a whirlwind of over sharing.

I would love to keep it all sensible and about my research area but I just find it a bit dull to talk about mediation models when I could be learning about which professor has a side business he doesn't declare and which post doc had an affair with their supervisor.

For sales, we get taught to build a relationship first before pitching, unless you're specifically invited to pitch. These people will have to work with you if they give you money, so you're really shooting yourself in the foot if you come across as hard work. You can make a deck for conversation topics for lunch: what did you enjoy most this morning, will you be staying to visit the city, tell me about where you work, are you presenting this week? You'll be able to introduce your work naturally then. It's talking shop, but gently. You will also find out very fast if they're a decision maker, can introduce you to one, are not important but nice enough that you'd like to drink coffee with then and talk about something not academic, or are a complete pain in the arse to be avoided for the rest of the week (you're probably putting yourself in this category at the moment, sorry!). You then talk about funding the next day if you think they'll be a hit, or better via email next week to prove you were so interested that you remembered their name.

I work in a similar field. A lot of people are a bit ND, so just by being a bit relaxed and prepared with social questions it is easy to be remembered as the most social and pleasant in the room!

Haha, that's me. But I work out who knows the gossip at the same time as categorising useful work contacts. The walking dumpster fires normally know where the best party is after hours and can make all the right introductions, even if you keep them at arms length professionally!