What radical things have you done to change your life / slow down the pace?

[Flamingpantoufles]

Somehow, I have developed a very complicated life: I have no down time and feel constantly hurried and under pressure, even when I am on holiday as I am now. Too much stuff, too many commitments, too many relationships (albeit it many of them very enriching, and I am definitely a people person) and I am mired in anxiety. I feel life is whizzing by in a blur and I don't know how to make it slow down - I just seem to lurch from worrying about one thing to worrying about another as soon as that is resolved. I've tried making tweaks here and there but somehow everything always ends up the same so I suspect something more radical is needed.

Has anyone else been in this boat? Have you found a solution?

I was in trauma related counselling some years ago. Once we had worked through the trauma, we did some work on the amount of work and everything else I was taking on.

The most important thing I took away was knowing that I have the agency to say 'No' and to set MY priorities and boundaries.

Journalling helped me get my thoughs out in a different way while I worked out what I needed and that I was allowed to prioritise me and my needs, which meant others losing out on my time.

Many of us are just too busy, with everything going on in a challenging world that will take without end.

I keep a small circle of trusted people around me and have hugely reduced my use of mobile phones and tech.

It's hard but you can make the necessary changes and it is SO worth it,

Good luck. We all do it differently.

Thank you this is really helpful. I have actually recently started therapy so I'm hoping that will help me unravel some things as it seems to have done for you.

Therapy was a real turning point for me and then I went into studying counselling in my own time for several years.

Life changing and life affirming. Getting back to basics and understanding better how we tick gave me a lot of answers, some that I wasnt even looking for.

Modern society is harmful and I see things very differently now.

After constant comments of "we had this two weeks ago!" And "This needs more salt" I gave all the cooking responsibilities to my husband. Best decision ever.

Yeah, that might be a small step in the right direction for me too!

My wife did all our cooking, until 2009. I love her dearly but made an unflattering comment about her Yorkshire puddings (not a euphemism 😆) to which she suggested I did them next week.

Queue me spending a week googling and testing, while she was at work, and hiding the results, and came the big day. They were massive! I might have been a bit smug. To which she said, fancy doing the lot next week? So I did.

The start of my cooking 'journey' and I now do all the cooking and baking here, and bake for parties and her work colleagues.

Did you ask your counsellor/therapist to help you understand those things or did they just draw it out of you automatically? I've only had two sessions and, although it's been good to get things off my chest, I don't feel it has yet helped me understand anything I didn't already know. Wondering if I need to be more directive about what I'm looking to get out of it?

On top of trauma overload, I was also struggling/ suffering with burn out too. She opened the topic up and sent me away some weeks with homework to do. That might have been to consider something in more detail or a piece to read that developed my thinking and added to our sessions. She was very, very good.

I was suicidal. She saved my life, quite literally.

Sorry you went through that, and I'm glad therapy was so effective for you.

The homework sounds like a good idea, I'd like to have something tangible to focus on each week rather than just a general sense that things need to change.

You need to learn to say no. There are only so many hours in the day, and you don't have to fill all of them. It is fine to sit on the sofa and do absolutely nothing at all for a couple of hours. Actively choose to put yourself first.

You need to learn to be able to switch your brain off. If you are a people person and have a lot of things going all the time with other people, you are going to use a lot of your headspace thinking about them. You spending your time worrying about how friend X is coping with her relationship problems is not helping her, and it's not helping you either.

FOMO. The only thing you are missing out on is downtime. Do not feel guilty for taking time out and doing something just for you.

It certainly made a difference for me. I went into therapy through absolute need rather than want, as I, like many others in my line of work, thought that I didnt need it. How wrong I was.

I found the reading around it probably as valuable as the sessions themselves and still do. I have a business in the MH space now and very much still learning, even now.

Trying to do everything and please everyone meant that I lost sight of 'me'. Ever so easy to do in this day and age but if we grip it and are open to it, it can make huge, positive changes for us.

The fact that you have recognised it and are taking action is really positive, even in the early stages. Well done you!

all of this 1000%. Even now, on holiday, I feel so bad about not getting stuff done. There are so many things unresolved. Everyone else is still asleep f (different time zone) but I've been up for almost three hours trying to get something in the UK sorted for one of my kids and now feel I'll be too exhausted to enjoy the day. DH has all sorts of stuff he wants us to do and I just feel really sad. This holiday was meant to be a much-needed break after a tricky time looking after older relatives but all sorts of things have gone wrong and disrupted the holiday and now I just feel I'll go home even more tired and overwhelmed than I was before.

Not really to slow down the pace in any way, but I emigrated by myself at the age of 35 to my dream city in which I knew no one at the time. Best decision ever. Two years on, I am about to marry DP whom I met a few weeks after landing here. 😊

Thanks for all the responses so far. Going to go offline for a bit and try to remember how to relax!

You're on holiday and your DH has all sorts of things he wants to do. Great. Let him and the dc go off and do them, and leave you by yourself for a bit.

Because what you want to do on holiday (unwind in peace and quiet) is just as important as what he wants you to do, if not more so.

I made my DC drop down to one extra curriculum activity unless they can make their own way there and back. It’s honestly made such a difference. I look back at some points of my life of how much time we put into hobbies between DSC and DC and it’s madness. Only one left now doing just one hobby.

I developed a set of rules. Limiting extra curricular hassle and being VERY transactional with favours. Being really direct with another parent who seems on my wave length - how about I drop off and you pick up? I see my mother every three weeks in a public place. I arrange the next meet up as we are leaving, then minimal messaging in between. I will help MIL with hospital appointments but only if they are on a Thursday. We provide one meal a day at 6.30 and I need to know by noon who will be there, who wants some put aside and who will sort themselves out. It’s an automatic daily poll in house WhatsApp group. No response, no catering. Weekly menu follows a set pattern (pasta night, rice night etc) and I cook x 3, DH cooks x 3 and DC sort one night out between themselves. I don’t drink milk so we have a milkman which means I never have to think about milk. I have a CF radar and shut it down immediately. I chose schools within walking distance, live walking distance from work, shops, leisure centre etc. This has been an immense relief - we have a car, but it’s no stress of driving/parking, cost of driving, fretting about Mot/car issues. It’s a luxury item we can manage without.

I realised that I didn’t like to say no because I wanted to be liked and valued. But the people who thought less of me when I said no, didn’t think any more of me when I did say yes. So I say no, and don’t make excuses that people will try to overcome. Let your no be a wall of brass.

I had run myself ragged for years for others and told myself I was “building a village”. Then when I had a series of unfortunate events and asked for help it was just crickets. So it was a real revelation and I rearranged my life accordingly. If counselling helps you, great. But personally it took a moment of clarity, a lightbulb moment, to effect positive change for me.

DD took up a hobby where I wasn't allowed leave the building. There was no decent WiFi or phone signal and no other parent was willing to share lifts or the sitting around. That enforced doing nothing for 2 hours a week was great.

In June I made a plan to say no to anything new requiring time and effort unless really essential/unavoidable for the next 6 months. It's surprisingly difficult to keep to - I find myself absentmindedly agreeing/almost agreeing to all sorts of things - and I know some small things tend to expand into major commitments. it's like a compulsion and quite hard to kick.

I didn't have children.
I married an enthusiastic cook.
I retired.

Thank you everyone.

"I realised that I didn’t like to say no because I wanted to be liked and valued. But the people who thought less of me when I said no, didn’t think any more of me when I did say yes. So I say no, and don’t make excuses that people will try to overcome. Let your no be a wall of brass."

@SmallTreeDeepRoots what you say resonates so much. I just feel I currently have an almost pathological need to say yes to everything / not let anyone down. It is slowly killing me but I don't know how to break the habit.

7 years ago I was offered a voluntary redundancy and I said Yes. I now have a great life and don't have any hassle from management and truly stupid decisions. I don't need to be ready by a certain time as I have a lot of time which is now spent meeting friends going for coffee, going for meals and can take as long as we like as no rush to get back from lunchtime. I can keep fit during the day .DH used to be a chef and loves cooking just for a few people.

I got diagnosed at 39 with ADHD (and associated anxiety)

Realized a significant proportion of my constant ‘having stuff to do’ feeling was actually in my head. I work full time and have 3 young children (including 2 with SEN) so my life is busy. But, now I resist the feeling to tidy out allllll the kitchen cupboards when I have an hour to myself or stop myself when I feel the urge to stay awake until 3am googling an end of year gift for my son’s teacher, when in reality, I can laid ask my husband to pick up a gift card on his lunch break.

i have an app on my phone that puts my to-do list into an Eisenhower matrix. I allow myself to open it once a day and pick something to tick off. Anything that lingers in the ‘not urgent, not important’ quadrant for more than a week gets deleted.

I also force myself to do ‘nothing’ a few times a week - a trashy book in bed, a face mask, some meditation - and I find that a really helpful reset.

And finally, delegation. I used to have a really strong ‘do it myself’ streak. Now I’m much better at being really clear with my husband what I want him to do (organize DD’s birthday party, as a recent example) and then let him get on with it. No checking in to see how he’s doing, no judgement on how he does it, just completely relinquishing all involvement!

I generally don’t plan two consecutive weekends away or more than one night out in the week.

@Flamingpantoufles The thing is that it’s just words falling out of my face until you find the need to change. Just like giving up smoking or getting a grip on spending - you have to really want to. Until you find that magical moment where you want to completely change, why not try a low stakes no as a warm up? Break the cycle and see that nothing collapses.