Why does football cause so much strain in some relationships?

[Nos4r2]

Im glad that the football is nearly over.
I can't believe how many threads there has been about how much trouble it has caused in some relationships.
Its only a game and it is what every 4 years, yet it nearly ruins marriages.
Why? Why is it so serious, it never used to be so, or has it.? Is it because of places like MN that your hear more about it and the upset it causes?.
I suppose im not really interested in football very much but surely there are more important things in life than this.
All this trouble and build up and now it will be forgotten in a few weeks, but will the damage be repaired and forgotten til next time.

Dare I suggest its class culture? My mum was a regular victim of a arsehole violent football thug man in a working class home. She would really get it if his team hasn't done well that day and he spent the rest of the day in the pub. Bastard.

I'm not suggesting all football fans are working class, nor am I suggesting that all working class men are alcoholic wife beaters and that all rugby fans are all middle class saints that enjoy a little tipple occasionally. But football just seems to attract the dregs of society more than rugby does, well more than any other sport except maybe cage fighting!

My husband likes a drink and is also a sports follower (mainly rugby) and got up to some serious (harmless but wild) antics in his younger playing days.

He would never lay a finger on anyone, least of all a woman and particularly not just because his sodding team hadn't won.

DV was just ignored and kept secret in the 80s and 90s and I'm heartbroken that it is still such a problem having lived it for my whole childhood.

I like non league. You get some great banter between fans in the National League. My favourite away fans are Southend United. I will be looking forward to their visit.

I’m not a football fan but I will dip in during the World Cup to see what it’s all about.
I was shocked this year to see the level of aggression on the field between the players and it just reinforced what I think about football. I have young boys who luckily don’t care about it. But I see other boys in their year who love football and are SO aggressive when playing. All the mums hate it as the come home with bruises, fall outs, torn shirts, arguments, swearing etc. They get TOO into it!
For me, it’s can just be a really volatile sport.
and all I could think about was the many partners who will have suffered on Wednesday night because of the score.

I think there have been studies which show APD and NPD at the heart of violent aggressive sports fans

I dont mean your average fan who is a passionate supporter, has a few crisps and a beer watching the world cup, woe is me England lost.
Appropriate disappointment
I mean those who viciously attack others, men who rage and make their family life a misery if their team loses, men who violently attack their partners
Their fragile ego cannot cope with loss, they are emotionally immature,they ARE England so they cannot cope

Agreed. Totally pathetic. How do people like that cope when something real actually happens to them?

Because kicking is an aggressive act and it brings out the worst aggressive instincts in some men. Add in drink. Add in atavistic tribal instincts.

I hate football!

Because a lot of people (mainly men!) prioritise it too highly. It’s just a game at the end of the day. Zero chance of me prioritising my life around it, my 1st husband tried to make me do that but failed dismally. My 2nd husband isn’t into football which is handy as we have 2 young children and there is zero chance there would be the time or money to indulge it. I would be insisting on equal funds and time spent on my hobby

But mostly they’re not the ones doing the kicking — they’re watching other people doing it, often on TV!

Almost every man I know has a big fixation or obsession with something - sport, hobby or whatever. Not always football, it could be golf, fishing, trains, Lego, or another hobby. And most seem to become very very invested and fixated with it and some prioritise it above all else.

And yeah, there are cases where women do too, but it does seem to be more of a thing with men.

They dont ...

I think it's partially the drinking culture that surrounds football, partially a biological urge towards tribalism and having a shared 'enemy' to bind you together, and in the case of men, partially due to years of telling boys and men that they are weak if they show any healthy emotions...

If you grow up being told to man up every time you cry and that talking about feelings is just for girls, you never learn healthy ways to express yourself. That makes you subconsciously look for socially acceptable outlets. Telling your friends that you're sad and frustrated because you're struggling at work or fell out with your partner risks being ridiculed... shouting at a the screen during a football game on the other hand doesn't raise any eyebrows 🤷‍♀️

My FIL is far from perfect but he raised DH to express his emotions. DH adores football but shrugs and says 'oh well' when his team loses. He doesn't need it as an outlet for repressed feelings.

Obviously none of this is in anyway an excuse for abusive behaviour.

One of our colleagues has a self imposed ban on watching football matches - he said he notices his mood swing quite dramatically depending on whether his team had won or lost at the weekend. He decided he need to stop - he watches internationals and a few other matches but he's very aware of the impact on his mood.

I don't think football creates the problems so much as exposes ones that were already there. For some couples it's just a fun tournament, but if one person disappears for hours, drinks too much, expects everything else to revolve around the matches or leaves all the childcare to the other, it's bound to cause resentment. The football itself isn't really the issue, it's how people behave around it. Most couples probably get through it without a second thought, but the difficult stories are naturally the ones people post about.

With rugby union it used to be class although there was plenty of bad behaviour on the pitch itself; rugby league has always promoted the game as a family affair.

Football has always attracted a small percentage who are basically and very obviously sociopathic.

"Rugby is a game played by thugs for gentlemen;
Football is a game played by gentlemen for thugs"
As the old saying goes

I don't actually agree with that, it was just always a silly little phrase.

I still don't know what is the underlying differences between the fan cultures.
I would guess it's about family background, emotional intelligence and maturity. Wouldn't think it was just 'class' as there are so many working class decent men who would never hurt their families, and many posh educated privileged men who do.

It's about learning to cope with your emotions, I think.

For some men (and though fewer some women) it is a part of their identity that is almost above anything else, beyond nationality for example. Who they follow especially at club level is a part of their life that is longer than most relationships with people they have.

I wonder if football and drink cause so much trouble what was it like when people used to watch gladiator games back in Roman Times. Did that make the audience go crazy after. I bet there was a lot of DV after that. But I suppose that was classed as normal.in those violent times.

My question is why a percentage of the similarly sociopathic aren't attracted to a broadly similar game, though?

I've always thought that the scoring system has a lot to do with it. In rugby, scores are frequent and it's unusual for a team not to score at least once in a game. With football, you can be sitting tense for two hours and there's no goal scored to let the tension out.

Vicarious aggression. They do not have to be doing the kicking to get the effect.

@HarrietofFire

What a nice post.

⚽️

It will start again in two years for the Euros

My dh doesn’t even like football but he’s been following the football and I would say he’s fairly disinterested otherwise (they have a sweep stakes at work). I put a laundry on just before going to bed (I was not going to stay up for that nonsense) and was about to ask him to hang it out during half time (it’s been so hot recently that we’re putting laundry out at night and it’s almost dry by morning) (I had timed it so it would be ready by half time) and he EXPLODED shouting that I’d ruined his plans and was only doing this because he was watching the football (not true, we do this every other night in the summer… only I usually hang it out but i figured if he was awake and the football was paused, he could do it).

I would say he’s typically a very mild person and this was totally out of character. He came in with his tail between his legs 10 mins later saying he was sorry and wasn’t sure what happened. The football somehow has the ability to bring out the worst in some people, even those that don’t usually follow it. It was very strange. I can totally see why DV rates go up around matches because if it has the power to do that to my otherwise gentle husband, I hate to think how people with established anger issues respond.

Hmm I grew up in South Wales and nearly everyone there prefers rugby to football. It's a more popular sport, and the fans there straddle all 'class' and educational level, I'd say.

There are still fewer violent incidents.
I'm thinking of my 'roughest' friends growing up, they were still not aggressive around the sport.

I therefore think once you're IN the sport, whichever you start off playing/supporting, the culture of the sport largely moulds how the supporters behave, or are allowed to behave.

Core Rugby ethos is discipline, respect, diversity and the ref's word is final.
I have watched kids and men/women's football matches and this culture doesn't seem be present. The ref is openly screamed at by parents pitch side, open hostility between supporters in a match.

I think maybe that has something to do with it? Football fans are allowed to get away with more and therefore the worst behaved have no boundaries?