Why does football cause so much strain in some relationships?

[Nos4r2]

Im glad that the football is nearly over.
I can't believe how many threads there has been about how much trouble it has caused in some relationships.
Its only a game and it is what every 4 years, yet it nearly ruins marriages.
Why? Why is it so serious, it never used to be so, or has it.? Is it because of places like MN that your hear more about it and the upset it causes?.
I suppose im not really interested in football very much but surely there are more important things in life than this.
All this trouble and build up and now it will be forgotten in a few weeks, but will the damage be repaired and forgotten til next time.

Because some people (mainly men) get ridiculously invested. They prioritise it above all else and get so emotionally involved they take their disappointment/anger out on those around them. Plus of course the drinking culture around it.

DH doesn't support any particular team and isn't really into football in general terms which is a big relief. We haven't been watching football on TV as we have the school holidays and life is getting in the way.

I feel sad for those who it does affect.

The drinking culture usually has a big part to play.
Emotions running high.

I think it must have been 98, or latter stages of Euro 96, everyone was back from uni etc in our home town local pub.
We went out. Obviously.
Went to bar and mate from school said - chin up, we've still got Tim Henman. 😂😂 Heady days!

But we were 19...kids. The DV stats are frightening because lets face it, any excuse is a good excuse when you're abusive.

I've just randomly thought of the Coldplay kiss cam! Other half turns up on tele in Texas.

I think it's 99% the heavy drinking that is associated with watching football.

Because it’s associated, in some people’s minds, with a very outdated male chauvinistic concept that encourages some people, generally male, to lose all sense and reason and forget that these are people who are good at kicking a ball. They aren’t friends, colleagues or anyone most folk will meet. They haven’t invented a cure for anything, solved world peace, or anything else of note. Alcohol plays a large part in people losing their minds, inhibitions and sense.

Me and my ex broke up over football. I'm a lesbian, so as others have said it is not just men. She started playing for a local team and oh my lord she was awful. We saw one another only at weekends and she'd be at the club from lunchtime until the middle of the night. I had a choice, tag along and be ignored and left out all day because all everyone talked about was football and she was far too invested to want to pay me any mind, or not see her at all. She'd forget dates, forget what was going on with us, her mind was just on football and that was it.

And on occasion she would turn incredibly nasty when she'd been around her team mates.

Once she went to this team activity, nothing else mattered, at all. Absolutely nothing.

I am so glad my husband isn’t into football!

Yes this, i grew up in an aggressive football household it is immature aggressive drunk men who need "something " to cling to football season was tense to say the least, aggressive violent men would probably find something else to be aggressive and violent about though.

Bollocks to the "drinking culture" excuse.
As a rugby fan I would say all day excessive drinking is just as prominent in rugby but there are a fraction of public order incidents, fans can sit along side each other, are allowed alcohol pitch side, hardly police presence at local derby grudge matches or major internationals, and not the rise of DA incidents when England RFU play/lose.

My best guess is that there is a minority of football fans that are emotionally incontinent, cannot control themselves and cannot constructively express themselves and so get into fights both down the pub and with their loved ones.

Thankfully it is a minority, however because football is a more popular sport than rugby it scales up and there are more reports/arrests

Sadly for some the football season will be starting again soon and club football brings the exact same issues.

I have a friend (in her 40's) with a partner (in his 40's) who has a season ticket for a Premier League team so every second week August to May he fucks off for the day, leaves her with young DC and usually comes home wrecked. This doesn't include games he watches in the pub!

It's absolutely no way to live and I'm not sure how or why my friend tolerates it.

He isn't abusive but he's get so much time to himself for football. It rules his life.

Football is one of the most important things in my life. Relationships have come and gone, my children have left home and moved on. My parents have died. My football team has always stayed with me. If you’re a football fan or indeed a dedicated follower of any sport or interest, it can become intensely important. It gives you common interest with strangers, an immediate point of interest and a loyalty that reaches beyond your family. I get it totally.

My partner has the same passion as me and for the same team. I think people who don’t have that same understanding of that loyalty and importance will always struggle to understand it.

I think football is simply an excuse for men who have tendencies to violence to act on their feelings. No team ever wins every game. Football fans get used to losing and dealing with disappointment, it’s a game. It’s what happens. The men who go home and are violent to their partners after a loss aren’t football fans. They’re violent men who use football as an excuse to drink excessively and behave badly.

I think relative secularisation has something to do with it. People need something to follow and be a part of. Sociologically it is a religion, a set of beliefs and values to live one's life by. And humans will and do get obsessed and form their identity around those things.

Not everyone of course.

My ex was due to move to my town with me at the time we broke up over football, we'd looked at houses and discussed things thoroughly, but she bailed as she didn't want to leave her football team.

She would come to see me some weekends, but her team played on Sunday and she would be up with the lark and gone, having only seen me for one full day and with the prospect of not seeing me again for another fortnight.

Holidays, days out, appointments, trips away had to be planned around football.

Anything going on with me or 'us' was totally forgotten about. She wouldn't engage in conversations about anything else, largely. I once went to visit her, her having told me she'd be gone a couple of hours in the afternoon to play. I was fine with that. It turned out that it would be closer to 5 hours, and I found out about this via someone else, she'd not even thought about it, or what it would mean for me (I had nowhere to be, would just be wandering around town waiting). She was never physically violent, and strangely 'her' teams (local and national) winning or losing didn't seem to have much bearing on her mood (perhaps this is more of a male thing?) she was just obsessed with watching, playing, talking about and anything to do with football and horrid to me as a result of this 'one track mind'.

Last time I went to watch her team play she was awful to me all day, this was a common theme, she seemed to be embarrassed about me being there but if I didn't want to go, she would be annoyed. And they were beaten 20-1.

I have said since that I won't date anyone who's interested in football ever again!

Is it just football or is it any interest that one person in a relationship prioritises over the other person?
It could be going to the gym 7 days a week, out cycling or running every day, long days at the golf club.
I don’t think it’s football per se that’s the issue, more a lack of respect and consideration for the other person.
I accept that there may be a perceived heavy drinking culture around football but that could also be true of rugby, golf etc.
My other half enjoys football and watches a lot of football as well as other sports. It doesn’t affect our relationship because I do other things that I enjoy to do and we’re respectful and considerate.
It’s less about the football and more about the person I’d say.

Football doesn’t ruin relationships the people in them do

There are psychology papers written about this @Nos4r2 if you want to delve deeper into the reasoning behind the behaviour.

I have a passionate footballer supporting H, and now a son, but football stays firmly in the football box.

The son has played grassroots for years, H volunteers to help keep things running, there is a lot of positives for youngsters, and the parents, which is learnt in their football pitches. It enhances their lives so it’s not football which is the trouble maker here. And they see parents losing it on the sidelines, it’s a small percentage - the vast majority vast majority are decent, encouraging, sportsmanship, good role model men. Who happen to love a game of football.

I don’t think it’s football that’s the problem, I think it’s selfish men that are the problem. My DH is a season ticket holder so goes every other weekend to matches plus some away games when he fancies. But when he is home, he pulls his weight, he’s never too drunk, he’s never hungover enough to not help out, and he makes sure that I also get time to myself to do what I want. If I asked him not to go one weekend for whatever reason, he wouldn’t. He’s been at the world cup since England’s first game (on his way home as we speak!), I don’t mind because even though it’s been difficult solo parenting three kids, he’ll make it up to me.

The problem is when men allow it to take over their lives and expect their partners to pick up their slack. It you’re prioritising absolutely anything over your partner and family, then of course it’s going to cause an issue.

And yet they’re essentially the same sport, men/women moving a ball around on a pitch. To what do you ascribe the difference in fan culture?

I think emotionally stunted people (usually men) use football as a way to release their frustrations. It’s not actually about the game, it’s just an excuse to take their rage out on something.

One of my old friends was really into football. I like football too but keep it within the context of it being a bit of fun. She got so angry with me on one occasion when I pointed out that it was essentially just a few men kicking a ball about that I thought she was going to try and hit me. It was so bizarre. I doubled down just to demonstrate how crazy her reaction was but I would imagine if that had been a man then it would have probably gotten physical.

And these are usually the same sort of men who accuse women of being hysterical and emotional, and who say they can’t understand why hordes of girls and women go gaga over the likes of Taylor Swift.

I agree @Noodge some people more than others desperately need to be part of something bigger and this gives them a sense of purpose, of community and belonging. Possibly a feeling of safety. I think its a tribal thing and possibly emotionally immature people too, the need to belong has become desperate. It also allows them to express emotions in a way they can't in their normal lives. Humans used to be strongly part of a tribal community and this involved intense loyalty but also hatred of others, to some extent. Now we are not allowed hate anyone and have mostly lost that sense of loyalty and togetherness, we are supposed to live as individuals only. I think its the same compulsion that drives people to online communities and often obsessive behaviours around these.

Mad isn't it. I was SO invested in the football, as was my dad. We watched it all together. We were gutted last night, but woke up this morning and laughed about it. Took a night of sleep to get over it and last night our upset didn't go beyond 'ffs bloody England!'. The behaviour of some of the other men in the pub was atrocious. One smashed a glass on the floor. Another flipped a table over (along with the glasses, people's phones, beer mats etc) and started crying cue all his friends comforting him like someone had died. Pathetic.

As others have said, it’s not football it’s the individuals - predominantly men. If football didn’t exist they’d still be selfish dickheads.

My DH is a season ticket holder to a premier league team and as of this year, so is our DS (aged 12). DH will go to matches and to a few away games a season but always prioritises family time. He’ll sell his ticket if we have other plans and doesn’t get ridiculously drunk.

We’ve watched all England World Cup games as a family and in a local pub if it’s been possible. Yesterday the pub was packed but there was zero trouble. Yes everyone was disappointed but we all walked home joking about becoming Spain fans for the weekend 😂

Its not football, it’s the people.

This is MN.

The majority of threads complaining about the WC are people just complaining that other people like it and give it importance.

When it comes to relationships and the strained effect it has, the same happens on MN every Christmas, Mothers day, Fathers day, Easter and for summer holidays. And birthdays, hen dos, weddings and anniversaries.

Because those are things other people put importance on.

There's really no difference.

Oh my god

I knew a boy at work who's was really funny and friendly, BUT! When his team Arsenal lost he would ,I swear,stab someone if they said the wrong thing.
If England had won the world Cup this year who's life would it have changed, except that they could change the words to footballs coming home and put more money in the two that wrote that songs pockets. Hey Ho.

It took me half a day to get over England's defeat. I saw King Charles pulled a pint somewhere and muttered something to Queen Camilla about drowning his sorrows.

Yeah i’m partly this as well. DH is season ticket holder for team that that we also don’t live near. So every second weekend he is off for the day and i have 2 young kids. The matches are all at different times and days which also makes it tricky for me to have my own hobby.

He doesn’t drink there though or go to the pub. But it can take over things a bit in terms of my freedom and flexibility with 2 young kids. If we didn’t have kids it wouldn’t be an issue.