How do I stop becoming people’s emotional support person?

[Kimmers4334]

I can’t really work this out and I feel like other people say or do something I’m not doing so they don’t end up in this position?

Over the years several friends and family members have chosen me as their emotional support person. They call me repeatedly over minor things, or offload onto me about their dramas or traumas and expect me to listen endlessly. Obviously this is part of what friendship is, but I’ve checked with my other friends and they agree that these people do it too much and they wouldn’t have the patience for it.

I don’t understand why people do it to me. I don’t ask much from people emotionally, but I’m a person too not a bottomless pit for people to offload into. I was emotionally neglected as a kid so processing my own feelings can be hard, and I get overwhelmed by having to help other people process theirs.

With the previous people I have ended up drifting away. But over the last couple of months my boyfriend of 3 years is starting to do this too. For example, he was going away on a trip, came round for a couple of hours the day before and launched into some family drama, his childhood etc. He talked for so long that he had to leave suddenly or he’d be late for work. I was left feeling quite overwhelmed and annoyed that that was our parting conversation. I’d had quite a hard week as it’s the anniversary of a bereavement, which I mentioned to him in a text and he was kind about it but he didn’t bring it up in person.

I feel like there must be some sort of boundary that other people put in place since this keeps happening to me but I don’t know what it is. It feels really rude to stop people once they start talking about something. But I just can’t get into another dynamic like this

You have to start saying no. Stand up for yourself.
I started this with DH when he would come home and off load about work, but then never do anything to change the situation, so I had to listen to the same moans time and time again. I said no more, and I stuck with it.
The only person I allowed this to happen with was my DF when he was alive, as I helped him with money, lifts to appointments etc.

Well your boyfriend sounds a bit self absorbed

and you appear to be surrounded generally by self absorbed people with lots of troublesome issues in their life

maybe spread your wings for a better partner and friends. Family… just put them on mute and crack on with whatever you’re doing, unmute occasionally to give a “oh you poor thing” and then mute again

I think sometimes we have a fragile self confidence and a lack of assertiveness from childhood which people pick up on. Maybe we sound too caring or too interested when people begin to talk and that gives them permission to continue with their monologue, then we are unsure how to shut it down or change the subject.

For example:
Person: I've had such a bad day

Response 1: "oh I'm sorry to hear that" / "what happened" / or even just not saying anything yet invites the monologue

Vs

Response 2: "me too, wait till you hear this" / "never mind, right let's get started with dinner" / or just change the subject without even referring to what they've said

How did you actually word it so that it wasn’t unkind? Giving emotional support is part of a relationship but when it’s too much or the same things it’s very draining

The risk with response 2 is that they come back with "well don't you want to hear what happened? Why aren't you interested? Don't you care that I've had a bad day?", then the choice is to have them rant about what a horrible, uncaring cow you are or to give in and listen. Or maybe it's just my sister who is like that.

Are they giving any back to you though?
if not, that isn’t a healthy relationship

My DH is like this too - same old shite every day and if l mentioned my day he had no interest - l said something and he realised so it's much better now although he does still moan.

I think it might be helpful to explore this by opening up your own "offloading' on these people. See how they respond.

TBF a boyfriend is in your inner circle and if you can't sound off to your partner, who can you? But there should be reciprocity there, and he should listen if you tell him you can't really engage right now but how about you have a chat later?

When I was younger I had these one sided relationships and I found they drifted away whenever the person got a bit happier. I honestly don't know what changed though, which is not very helpful. Maybe I got a bit firmer about who I was and what I wanted rather than just kind of moulding myself around other people? I still don't think I'm very good at that though. Maybe focus on relationships where you enjoy meeting up and come away feeling I really enjoyed that chat, rather than I really felt I was useful today?

You sound so much like me OP except I wasn’t emotionally neglected as a a child. I think getting into my 40s gave me a better sense of self and more confidence to stand up for myself. Previously I’d liked being the person others turned to with their problems, I know I was thought of as good at listening and giving helpful advice.

But too many people started using my friendship in that way and I didn’t seem to get any return on it when I had problems which sounds like your situation too. My solution was to withdraw from certain friendships. Nothing dramatic but if I’d tried to discuss my own problems a time or two and it kept turning back to their problems I stepped back. A couple of times I was upfront, said I was at capacity mental load and had enough on my plate, couldn’t take any more emotional support duties on. One friend was horrified she’d been neglecting me and were still friends. Others were only concerned for themselves and we drifted apart. It’s worth it OP, I’m happier now and still have lots of lovely friends. You know your situation isn’t healthy or best for you, that’s the first step. Stage 2 is starting to address it. Good luck!

For one thing, other people’s behaviour is not within your control, only your own. So flip the question. Not ‘why do they cast me as their emotional support person?’ but ‘What is the benefit for me in being people’s emotional support person?’ Because there’s clearly, even subconsciously some benefit, otherwise you wouldn’t be countenancing it across so many relationships. From what you say, and watching other people I know who habitually adopt this role, it’s partly because you don’t prioritise yourself, and present yourself to others as someone with low emotional needs who is always happy for the conversation to be about the other person’s problems. Be clearer about what you want in your relationships. If you’re more worried about seeming ‘unkind’ to others than about your own feelings, then we’re back to you not prioritising yourself. If you behave like the confidante maid in an 18thc farce (no story of her own, just there for her employer to talk to), that’s going to impact how people perceive you.

You need to tell these people your busy and have they thought about speaking to a therapist. On repeat.

I agree with others on here. I’ve been where you are. I’m not very good at opening up about personal things and then people just assume everything is okay with you or that you’re ‘above’ stuff that they get upset about.

Like others have said, unless it’s a very, very good friend of which I can count on possibly 2 who I know would try to help me if I needed it, I say something supportive like: “That sounds tough have you tried [insert support option- sometimes it’s a website, podcast or one I often use is a family member of their’s, framing it as they will have more insight].

Then change the subject. Tell them something that’s going on in your life, no matter what. Or say something about recent national events. I used how much fun I’ve been having watching the World Cup and I’m not into football. And do not revert back to their problem, keep moving it away, humour always helps.

edited for typos

I don't know what it is but the same used to happen to me. Even virtual strangers would just start telling me their problems. I think because I'm trying to be polite, I show too much interest.

I'm now very conscious of it when I meet someone new. Anyone who just waffles on about themselves and shows no interest in me, I just don't take it any further.

I think if it's someone like a boyfriend then you need to be honest with him. It's ok to say that you have needs too.

I'm the same. I must have one of those faces! People tend to tell me everything. So much so, it's weird to me when people don't open up to me.

I think it's because people think you're level-headed, friendly, honest, supportive etc so feel that they can confide in you or discuss something with you and you'll give them a balanced viewpoint and advice.

I'm perfectly fine with it, apart from 1 person I know who repeats the same things over and over and doesn't change anything. In that case I basically just listen now.

With regard to your Partner - I think you have to! If you can't share it with your Partner, who can you share it with... (and if Partners can't share things with each other, that's a problem in itself).

Anyone else, if you're not happy to listen, you just need to set a boundary or say you've listened but you can't give them any advice.

The problem worsens though if you yourself haven't got someone close to discuss things with.

💐

I think this is a tricky one. I think a lot of people are more self absorbed now and so just want to talk about themselves and offload.
However I think that there are many people who just don't have anyone who is a 'safe space' to talk to and clearly you are someone who is safe.
I would be more inclined to listen to the latter and the former would get cut off.

You have to stop worrying about coming across as rude or unkind.
Let yourself be 'rude' and 'unkind' and get used to that feeling until it is no longer uncomfortable.

Look at it this way: these people are being rude and unkind to you by droning on about themselves and not asking you about how you are.

There is no social obligation to be kind and polite to people who are just using you.

It may have been a role shoved on you in the family you grew up in - was for me.

I found the book games people play enlightening in my 20s.

You need to worry less about been seen as inpolite - and find generic platitudes or change subject. I got fed up with it - it tried to sort family issues I was in the wrong and when stuff happened to me no-one cared or use dit against me later or treated it as entertaing gossip.

I do think boyfriend is different - but there are limits. I menetioned to MIL I was struggling with DH wanting to talk about worried in early hours and she said FIL was same but she refused to indulge it - which I thought harsh but honestly she was right they are pleanty of dayligh hours. Also I did have a word when the maoning about work and general bad mood was upsetting home life - and TBH DH started job hunting and found another job.

It may have been a role shoved on you in the family you grew up in - was for me.

I found the book games people play enlightening in my 20s.

You need to worry less about been seen as inpolite - and find generic platitudes or change subject. I got fed up with it - it tried to sort family issues I was in the wrong and when stuff happened to me no-one cared or use dit against me later or treated it as entertaing gossip.

I do think boyfriend is different - but there are limits. I menetioned to MIL I was struggling with DH wanting to talk about worried in early hours and she said FIL was same but she refused to indulge it - which I thought harsh but honestly she was right they are pleanty of dayligh hours. Also I did have a word when the maoning about work and general bad mood was upsetting home life - and TBH DH started job hunting and found another job.

I was told on here I am making myself the support role so approach relationships with what's in this for me ?
Now I do this i get less users

Try some 'tough love' OP.

Eg. 'You've been bleating on about this particular problem for a year and have ignored all my advice so I no longer want to hear about it'.

Maybe word it slightly differently but you get my drift.

@PersephoneParlormaid You have to start saying no. Stand up for yourself.

This is sound advice ^

I agree, emotional vampires suck the life out of you but never offer anything in return.

One old 'friend' rarely bothers with me now after I got fed up of her War and Peace texts about her married boyfriend (including screenshots of their conversations); when I asked if we could change the subject she got the arse.

I met another friend weeks ago who's had problems with her adult DD, it's been ongoing for two years and not nice but I'm always really sympathetic and supportive. I was really upset that day about something horrific that had happened at work and wanted to get it off my chest, I mentioned it but she barely acknowledged it and started going on about her DD again (the same story and details she's been telling me for two years). I just gave up at that point 😕

You’re probably very kind and polite and allow people to speak freely. Start reining them in.
Tell them they should contact a therapist because this sounds complex. Tell them they should speak to those involved. Tell them you’re sorry they’re going through this but you’re going through stuff too and don’t have the capacity this.

The therapist thing has been my go-to line in the past but people come back with either they don’t need one or (in the case of my boyfriend) he has one and does talk to him but then family issues etc. continue in between sessions

You’re right I do allow people to talk freely which means I know some very personal things about neighbours and strangers! I just make interested noises and they tell me all sorts. I don’t mind this so much as it’s usually a one-off and then I carry on, rather than feeling weighed down when it happens repeatedly with friends or family

Over the years several friends and family members have chosen me as their emotional support person

Well, OP. You are always free to say this does not work for me anymore.

I have that kind of family too, more like I'm the youngest who they all take it out on me.

It's hard. But as I get older and more conscious of it, I just say No more.

Don't pick up the phone, mobile, WA, whatever.

You deserve your rest and relaxation.

Don't run yourself ragged for people who just use you.

I recommend a fantastic therapist. Many are not worth the paper they're written on, or wasting your money. Find a good online support system.