Advice on supporting your partners mental health recovery.

[Alwaysstressed12]

I am looking for advice or personal experience on how to support a partner when they have experienced moderate burnout.

It early days and things seem to have settled down. I am still on edge at times as I am waiting for things to slip back to the old ways. I am keen to talk things through and get some answers about certain behaviours I was at the raw end of before things came to light. Assume it's too early.

From reading online, it's something that takes time and having a supportive partner helps. It seems there are no quick fixes.

I'm just keen to read of others experiences supporting a partner through this situation.

I have been the partner experiencing burnout and while I do not excuse any behaviours that have caused my partner pain/discomfort (not physical in my case, not sure about yours), I can’t say I can give any answers that would make sense. My burnout was a mixture of adhd/asd/depression/anxeity/stress and can honestly say a lot of my behaviours and thoughts were completely irrational and I think at this point (a year out the other side) telling people some of the ways I was thinking would bring so much shame and embarrassment and probably less understanding.

so while I do understand from your point of view you want to talk things through to try understand and offer support, this may be far from what you get.

Just to mention there is a Mental Health board if you aren't aware. However Chat of course has a wider footfall.

I support my adult daughter, but that isn't the same I guess.

You need friends/a support network for you, 'put your own oxygen mask on first'

How long have you been with your partner?

Is this the first break in their mental health that you have witnessed?
when you say moderate, do you mean unable to work but not so unwell that they need inpatient services?

My DD had known her boyfriend for nearly 2 years and now their relationship has completely broken down. She’s been unwell for about 7 months. The cracks started 3 months into her illness.

I don’t blame him, he tried. She’s a lot to deal with. Issues the illness has affected her memory. Events in the wrong order. The extreme anxiety, the crying. It feels like she is a different person. Nobody can see when this will end and he can’t take it
anymore. I’m just holding on to the hope
that she has recovered before and believe she will make a recovery again.

There are no quick fixes. Dd is done with his blowing hot and cold. She’s sad they have come to an end but his inconsistency has been more of a hindrance. So support or get out.

Can you give more info op?
is there a particular diagnosis/ cause ?
are they medicated ?
when you say burnout - what has been the impact/ behaviours ?
how long have you been together ?
without knowing the above I’d suggest as a minimum encouraging small good habits - a bit of fresh air and daylight daily, regular sleeping pattern, nourishing food.

What sort of behaviours?

My DH had supported me in the following ways:

-Picking up the slack in housework/keeping the home running when I’ve been unable to function. Without comment or animosity.

-Being there to just listen to my worries and thoughts and help me order and make sense of things.

-Being around for conversions to help me decompress and talk things through after therapy sessions which can be really hard work.

-He just is so supportive and loving, I am never in any doubt that he’s there with me through all this. Even if everything else has gone to shit and my mental health is on the floor. I know that he loves me and is there for me and we’ll get through whatever it is together. Not having to worry or even the consider the stability of our relationship makes a huge difference.

He was generally all round nasty to me. When i raised any issues or concerns, everything was my fault.

Never helping around the house. Everything became my responsibility. He would just sit in on the sofa from when he came home from work to going to bed and all weekend.

He was very irritable and had irrational outbursts that made no sense.

He was consumed by an online game that basically became his outlet and he admits he uses this to escape real life.

He had zero interest in the children and family life.

I want to sit down with him and understand what he was thinking at the time all this was going on.

The cause is relentless stress from his job. He couldn't cope, but refused to seek help from his GP. He has now.

He isn'ton medication but signed off from work - potentially for several months.

He was generally just nasty all the time. Unapproachable, not interested in family life, everything was my fault and he just sat on his phone all day, everyday when not working.

We've been together for over 20 years.

We've been together for over 20 years.
It took me to say we need to split to get him to seek help.
Yes, moderate meaning he's signed off work but can still be at home with support from the GP with no medication, as yet.
This has been the first break in his mental health, but it's been along time coming.

Thank you for taking the time to give your experience. This is useful to know.

He says he understands now what he was saying at the time was wrong but his brain just couldn't work it out and realise this.

Things seem to have gone back to the way we were pre-burnout, but i just wonder if he's on a bit of a high from finally releasing all this emotion and worry he's been holding onto.

His burnout has been caused by extreme stress in his job. He asked for help from management to be told just carry on and the expectation of doing more and more was piled upon him.

@Alwaysstressed12 Was he nasty to everyone (parents, siblings, friends, colleagues) or was it just you OP?

Mainly me, but on occasion the kids got it. All I know about work was he isolated himself and didn't speak to many colleagues.

Don't become his emotional punch bag OP. Mental illness is a very self absorbed condition (especially in men) with no guarantee of recovery.

Totally agree. This has been going on for several months. It took me to say we need to split to get him to realise what he was doing. He seems to realise his behaviour was wrong but I'm unsure if it's more the shock of me saying we need to ends things and he's sought help from his GP. I'm worried it may all be short lived and he'll just go back his previous behaviour, but this time he's off work for a prolonged period of time.

The thing with mental health is that when you start to feel a bit better, you feel so much better you think you’ve recovered if that makes sense. What’s actually happening though is the start of a gradual recovery that is still going to take time.

Its good that he has some insight into what was happening in him and its impact on you but I suspect it’ll be a good while yet before he’ll be able to explain himself to you - if ever. The shame of it is very real.

In your shoes I’d treat him like a convalescent, go slowly with him functioning around the house, low demand slowly increasing even if he says he’s fine. If he tries to go too fast he risks relapse - which is the doing ok/falling back pattern you’re worried about. When he’s able try to talk to him, but little snap shots is better than in depth and lengthy. Also know he may simply not have an answer for you.

Thank you. Agree, this is where we are right now. When i finally got him to talk it was like a weight had been lifted. When he spoke to the GP it all came out and he clearly felt so many different emotions. He's been quite busy since being signed off by the GP. I worry that he sees now this weight being lifted he might come across as being better and his GP might think he can be signed off as fit to work after one month. If we go back to his awful behaviour, I won't be able to stay.

Just make sure you look after your own health and future OP is all I'm saying. But I think you've already seen the light to some extent.

Thank you. I didn't realise this.

It’s a really common phenomenon known as flight into health. That initial feeling of relief is so strong that the person feels they’re better, when they’ve only just started. Keep talking to him about how unwell he’s been and how little capacity you have to go back there with him again. While he can’t help being mentally unwell he can do everything possible to support his recovery, which means not rushing back to work, being honest with his GP. Is he having any treatment for his mental health - the rest and time away from work will help but medium to longer term something needs to change either in his capacity to cope or the working environment.

That's interesting it's a known thing. He has said he doesn't intend to return to work until things are better there and things are happier at home. He doesn't want to speak with a counsellor or have medication. Hoping he can build some resilience with this time off and seek support from various areas in work. He's naturally quite an emotionally detached person, whereas I'm the talker between us. I like to understand why things happen where he just accepts things. I don't want to push things too much as I don't want to go back to how he was.

I'm not sure if what i need myself is to refer myself to the counselling service to try to understand things.

How does he plan to get better though without counselling or therapy that looks at the causes of what happened and how he can learn coping strategies etc. for if things get hard again?

Just having a break and then going back to the same job doesn’t sound like it will be a long term solution.

I went through a series of very traumatic events that are very likely to ever reoccur but I still needed therapy to get my brain and thinking back in a sensible place. I get that trauma is different to burn out but there’s still reflection and work that needs to happen on what went wrong and how he can stop it happening again or atleast recognise the signs much earlier.

It isn’t fair on the rest of you for him not to peruse any actual help.

He does plan to seek help from his union, he's being referred to occupational health and will request reasonable adjustments in his work. I agree a break and then returning will not solve the issue, but there are some very easy solutions in his work to sort this issue out.

My DH went through sort of similar to what you’ve described with your DH, similar behaviours towards me and DC, used to happen every few years.

We are still happily married many years later - I made it clear however (during the good phases, not the lows) that my unconditional support was in fact conditional on him engaging with proper mental health support and treatment in the long term, including a major job change to a less stressful industry and long term therapy.

Sending solidarity and good luck, their lows can be brutal to live though and hard to process/move on from even when they seem ‘better’

Thank you so much. I really appreciate your reply. This is what I want. I want to be there for him, to support him. Although, he's not had a mental health issue like this before, he does have a poor outlook of himself due to a toxic upbringing. I've been there for all of it. I want us to survive this, but my own nervous system feels like it's on fire at times with the anxiety he has caused me. Your experience gives me hope that couples can overcome these things.

Two things:
There needs to be some discussion with his employers about the causes of his collapse and some changes made and maybe a phased return.
You MUST look after yourself. It is so easy to get sucked in and to feel that making sure your needs are being met is somehow secondary to meeting his; to feel guilty if you are not focused solely on getting him better.

Agree. The plan is to speak to his work. Not yet, but when he's feeling mentally stronger to discuss these things. He won't return until things are put in place that take the pressure off of him - easier said than done though.

I agree I need to look after my own wellbeing. I think he feels guilt right now as I am and have always been very supportive of him. I've stood by and encouraged him to do the things he loves, to treat me the way he did was very hurtful. I genuinely don't ask alot of him due to his job, but I've always been there to talk and offload. I'm lucky, I'm naturally independent, but this situation has really tested me. It's why I had to say maybe it's time to call it a day on our marriage, i'd had enough of being blamed for everything, for him to say things that were clearly not true and still be made to feel like I hadn't offered any support. Although he hasn't said it outright, i think he's pretty shocked I was planning to leave. I had no choice, I had to think of me and the kids.