Friend brought her husband to long planned dinner with old friends 🙄

[Wofflewaffle]

Went to have dinner out with three old friends tonight. It’s taken a year to find a date that we are all available, we’ve all got lots to talk about, really looking forward to it and… 30 minutes before we are due to meet one of them texts to say that her husband will be joining us!!!

she’s got form for this. I’ve often gone to meet with her and she’ll have brought some random acquaintance along with her. Or I go to her house for tea, and her neighbour will be there too. Or we’ll go en famille to her country house - and when we get there another family / some cousins / the neighbours will also have been invited.

i hate it. It changes the dynamic completely. Tonight it changed from the expected girly catch up to talking about very bland stuff, because we didn’t want to get into anything personal with her husband there. I didn’t make a fuss at the time, and he left after we’d eaten so we had about an hour of proper catching up, but I feel very cheated. I didn’t say anything at the time because her husband is also friends with us, as a family friend. He’s perfectly nice - just not tonight!

i just can’t understand why she thinks this is ok - nor why her husband would even want to join us!

I have a more the merrier the friend, I did have to say that if she decided to bring someone along someone or have others over can she let me know and I’ll rearrange as I don’t get a lot of spare time on socialising and want to spend it with her or people I know well.
She was surprised then it was slightly awkward but it did work.

My mum is a bit like this with my dad. He’s not controlling but she “feels bad” leaving him on his own.

I completely blame the husband here. What kind of a man would actually want to join a group of women (as the sole male and partner) and intrude on their evening?

He must be under the cosh and afraid to refuse to go. I have to say that I reckon most partners would run a mile rather than join a group of women for the night. I know mine would, but he would never be asked to go in the first place!

I would be absolutely raging with both of them. I know you say he is a decent sort, but honestly was he not mortified sitting there amongst you all, I just can't wrap my head around that.

I wouldn't be going anywhere with her again, it would drive me mad and I'd want to murder her so I wouldn't go out in her company again in case the prop arrived too.

You should have replied to her text saying "no, don't bring him, women only tonight" regardless of whether you thought they were en route or not. And if he turned up anyway said "John, what a surprise, I wasn't expecting you". But as you didn't you should probably say something to her now, or before the next meet up. Directly to her, not some group message telling everyone not to bring men because if you do that she'll think it doesn't apply to her.

There's not any whiff of coercive control/power games/him checking up on her is there? If there's not and she keeps doing it and you've spelt it out I think you'll have to stop inviting her, or invite her to things he wouldn't be interested in - spa day or clothes shopping trip or something like that. And then just go out for a meal instead, unless you actually enjoy spa days etc.

I had some friends who kept bringing their 16 and 18 year old sons to dinner (the group was a load of ex colleagues plus partners who met up in a pub every few months). I didn't mind but I thought it was a bit weird - the ex colleague would talk to us and his wife and sons would be at the other end of the table talking amongst themselves. It turned out the wife was massively jealous and thought her husband was having an affair with one of us but still doesn't really explain bringing the sons. They are divorced now, ironically because she had an affair.

Annoying. Be very specific. Just the four of us

Yes, or just talk graphically about your period blood clots and flooding through your super Tampax.

He won't want to tag along again!

Obviously she is ridiculously unreasonable, but why are you and these other women inviting her, if you know she has 'form?'

Have to say this 'more the merrier' crap really boils my blood. The only people who should be turning up at ANYthing, are those that have been invited. I think 'the more the merrier' types are the ones who either blag an invite for themselves to everything they can, (or just tag along with no invite,) as they believe everyone should be graced with their amazing company. 🙄

.

But she wasn’t asked and didn’t have the option to refuse. OP was told he was coming. I think that when the OP was messaged 30 minutes before the meal to say that husband was coming, it would have ended the friendship to reply “No I don’t want that” particularly as 2 others were involved.

I wondered if the husband was wanting to check on the friend. Especially as he then left early

Yes this too - I didn’t feel comfortable laying down the law when the other two might have been fine with it (they weren’t, we all arrived before my friend and her DH did so had a chance to talk very briefly). And ordering him to leave once we were all there? Maybe some people would do that, I wouldn’t - he’s a friend, even if his presence wasn’t appropriate on this occasion.

My sisters husband is like this. Whatever she does, he turns up. When we have a sisters/cousins (girls) catch up he always turns up with an excuse, he had to drive, he was in the area, he had to see one of us about something!!!!
Definitely FOMO or just insecure and possessive.

Yes this is annoying and rude as well. I arranged to meet a friend who lives in the US, while she was back in England for a few weeks. Took a day off work and we met at a halfway point to have lunch at the seaside. She turned up with a friend I barely knew, and it completely changed the course of the day.

Same. The only person I know who does this is because she's not allowed out on her own except to work or do chores. No fun allowed on her own 🙄.

It's not an easy one to tackle but could you use humour to diffuse the awkwardness? Next time she sends a similar message could you reply with a recording of Kool & the Gang 'Ladies Night', or maybe 'Girls Just Want to Have Fun' or something similar?

He sounds like a prick. Why can’t he leave his wife to it to enjoy her girls evening??

or thinks tht he is Chanticleer

That’s really annoying.

If there's a next time, make it clear, that "it's just us, and no hangers-on"

I need to know whatever happened to the Gorilla man at the Eurovision party…

Bloody hell! 🤣. How embarrassing! I have to assume your friend didn’t know her friend was going out with your ex.! she must’ve felt a right Muppet when she realised!

She is highly manipulative.
She doesn't tell you until it's too late.

Also you are a doormat who won't complain and she has gotten away with it.

She doesn't respect you as friends and is concerned only about what suits her.

Many years ago a mum did this at a class mums night out that one mum organised.

She was never invited again.
It is extremely rude to add anyone that wasn't part of the original invitation IMO.

But as you keep tolerating it, it will continue.

She is using you all to keep him quiet by including him, definitely not on my time.

Some people just don’t get the girl thing, they just see themselves as a package with their husbands.
Next time you are arranging something just make it very clear it is girls only - no other halves.
One of my friends recently lost her husband and is arranging a girls’ weekend. One of the girls actually said her husband would be keen to join us, then another one said hers would come too.
We were able to tactfully suggest that a new widow might not enjoy the weekend so much if everyone else brought their husbands but to me it was quite surprising that anyone would suggest this in this context. If you’ve been married a long time though, you don’t necessarily see anything wrong with that it seems.

Really bad. Nobody wants to be rude to husband brought along in this way nor unkind to todler but it is an intrusian into a meeting planned for a specific purpose, to catch up with girl friends and to share without worrying about other people or responsibilities. Awkward for all. Clearly this friend(s) have to have crystal clear reason why this is unacceptable if they can't work it out themselves! If repeated it is emotional blackmail and not friendly.

Would anyone be able to explain why the husband felt ok about crashing this meet up?

Is he controlling and keeping an eye
Is he told he has to go by the wife
Is he incapable of reading a room
Is he just an awful prick

WTAF. I am baffled really by him.

If she asks again, maybe you could ask who else will be there? I think some of us naturally gravitate toward small intimate groups and others like a broader group of people. Especially people with country houses historically tended to fill them but those were social gatherings rather than intimate ones.

We are a group of five friends, three of the husbands get on well and we will go on a night out and they will conveniently be at a nearby bar on the same night and then one person will say, 'Let's meet the men." One of the friends and I hate this and always resist but it either a) ends up happening anyway or b) friend who always suggests it goes home early.

My DH is an antisocial being. He has two very secure friendship groups based on similar hobbies but he cannot and will not do small talk and he doesn't follow football which seems to put him at a disadvantage. Therefore I don't bring him along. He would hate it and I just feel uncomfortable.