Friend brought her husband to long planned dinner with old friends 🙄

[Wofflewaffle]

Went to have dinner out with three old friends tonight. It’s taken a year to find a date that we are all available, we’ve all got lots to talk about, really looking forward to it and… 30 minutes before we are due to meet one of them texts to say that her husband will be joining us!!!

she’s got form for this. I’ve often gone to meet with her and she’ll have brought some random acquaintance along with her. Or I go to her house for tea, and her neighbour will be there too. Or we’ll go en famille to her country house - and when we get there another family / some cousins / the neighbours will also have been invited.

i hate it. It changes the dynamic completely. Tonight it changed from the expected girly catch up to talking about very bland stuff, because we didn’t want to get into anything personal with her husband there. I didn’t make a fuss at the time, and he left after we’d eaten so we had about an hour of proper catching up, but I feel very cheated. I didn’t say anything at the time because her husband is also friends with us, as a family friend. He’s perfectly nice - just not tonight!

i just can’t understand why she thinks this is ok - nor why her husband would even want to join us!

I hate this too. I have a friend that does similar. I won’t have seen her for ages, we’ll arrange to meet, and at the last minute, she’ll invite her adult daughter (or 2). Completely changes the dynamic and the chat.

She genuinely thinks I’ll be thrilled to see the daughters. I’m not. But of course I pretend I am, and so on it goes.

I think a lot of us have known women who bring their DHs everywhere.. but this doesn’t sound like that situation. Even if not her DH, you’d have been worried she’d have brought along a random friend or acquaintance because it sounds like she has form and just doesn’t get that when you make plans with friends you don’t spring extras on to the group.

i actually burst out laughing when I read this. Amazing 😂

That would really annoy me too. I love a good catch up and the dynamic completely changes with someone else there. I remember a few years ago meeting a friend and she’d bought some random (male) friend- I was most put out. And they say ‘you don’t mind do you?’ In a pass agg fashion!

You need to have a chat with her and ask her why she does this. It’s really odd behaviour. Does she ever mention prior to the meet ups that she’s bringing someone else, or do they just show up?

Just bear in mind that some of the women who 'insist on bringing their DHs' might not be given the choice - some 'D' Hs don't like their wives going out without them and will make their lives a misery if they try.

But this woman seems to need people around her all the time, as though she can't exist solo - does she have any form of anxiety? Because inviting people over when you've already got visitors seems a bit... odd.

If she does mention it, it’s usually when we are en route to her place 🙄 last minute so it would be disruptive to just turn around and go home. We went to her country house once - we were quite close as families when our children were younger, and I was really looking forward to lazing around chatting while the children played and the DHs bbq’d. We arrived, and her SIL and partner (who we don’t know) were already there, and she told me another mutual friend was about to arrive with her 3 kids! I would have stayed at home if I’d known that was going to happen 🙄 but she didn’t give me the opportunity to choose. I guess I could have got back in the car and left 🤷‍♀️ but didn’t. I did tell her how pissed off i was though.

I can see that this is really annoying. The story about the woman who would bring strange, intense men to women only meet ups remains need me of a couple of people I used to know - you get to nearly fifty and then decide you are done with that shit.

The only way I think this is excusable is if one of the group uses meet ups to complain throughout about XYZ problem and the inviter has just about had enough.

She’s definitely a more the merrier person then. I think if she’s inviting you then that’s her prerogative to invite whatever guests she sees fit, and very different to the situation in your OP, which is poor form.

How annoying. Yes, you need to make it clear each time.

If the exact same thing happened again, I would have a greeting drink with her DH after showing him where the pub is down the road - and apologising that your DH is not with you so friend's DH will have to enjoy the pub football coverage on his own.

Of course she’s welcome to invite whoever she wants - but I think it’s polite to tell me in advance so that I can decide if I want to accept the invite. I would definitely make sure my guests knew in advance who was going to be there at the same time 🤷‍♀️ and check they were okay with expanding the invitation.

I do wonder if people like that use other people as a shield so they never have proper intimacy with anyone. I was on a playdate with DD’s best friend, her mum and I are really good mates as well, Dh was in the same place and was told pointedly he wasn’t invited to lunch because we are having a catch up and he’ll ruin the dynamic. There is no way we would have the conversation we had if Dh was there. I mean it’s fine if she doesn’t want that but she’s preventing all the other women from having it too, it’s really quite selfish.

Generally I think people fall into two camps:

1. The more the merrier people
2. People who prefer more 1-on-1/2/3 time

As someone who assuredly falls into camp #2, I've learnt to adjust my expectations when I know that someone's from camp #1. I've a friend who, almost without fail, will invite add-ons to our lunches, branches, movie trips. Once she even brought her brand new boyfriend on a day trip with us. It's not my preference but it's something I mentally prepare myself for if I choose to go out with her.

My cousin does this but it's because her husband won't let her do anything alone. He won't let her drive any more, so she's lost confidence. We used to do a lot together but she either ignores my calls and messages, cancels or he turns up with her. He controls her life as she has no income of her own. She's gone from being a confident person to a sad, silent one.
OP, while I'm not suggesting that your friend's situation is as bad, could there be an element of him wanting control over her?

Ah, okay. That would piss me off, too. Of course, as the host she’s allowed to invite whoever she wants, but it’s rude not to let everyone know this in advance if other people are going to be there who potentially don’t know each other.

I don’t like big group gatherings and would hate to be stuck in a country house all weekend with strangers - I would feel so awkward and wouldn’t relax at all.

You mentioned your friend is Malaysian, so this could well be a cultural thing, or maybe it’s just her personality and she just enjoys having lots of people around her when socialising.

Although her preference isn’t wrong, just inviting other people without letting anyone else know is rude and unfair to the group, so I’d have a chat with her about that. If she continues to do it and you need to remind her each time, I would consider that really disrespectful.

I agree with this, and I definitely fall into camp #2 as well. Does your friend ever adjust her preferences and expectations for you, though? It seems a little unfair that you always have to fit in with what she wants.

I agree, OP. If I’m inviting people to spend time with me somewhere I want them to feel comfortable and relaxed.

Even if I know that person is an extrovert and social butterfly, I still think it’s just basic manners to let them know if I plan on inviting other people who they potentially don’t know. For better or worse, it does change the dynamic.

I've experienced similar with a few different people. One friend started bringing her husband to coffee dates with me and two other female friends. "You don't mind do you?" while we're all sat there. What could we say? So I said "You're welcome to join us but you'll be called Margaret from now on". I thought this would annoy him and he'd stay away, but he loved it (so did his wife) and thought it was hilarious.

Another friend always includes her adult daughters. They're nice people I've known since they were at primary school with my DC, but they're 30 and 28 now and they never ask a single question, so conversation is all one way. The family is very enmeshed (always has been) but I thought the girls would eventually grow up and get a life. Sadly they haven't. We're a group of 4 couples but it's mainly the women who socialise, so I pointedly suggested an evening event as couples - just couples - 8 of us, and I'd get the tickets. I got the tickets and congratulated myself on managing to have an evening out without the daughters. On the day, friend messages "Really looking forward to this evening, 'Emma' and 'Becky' have bought their own tickets so will be joining us". I give up.

And thirdly, my late in-laws often invited us to dinner with random people. People they'd met on holiday or at the golf club, even a bloke who sold them a used car! In-laws were suckers for a "big character", so these people were invariably insufferable loudmouths. We had to put a stop to it eventually.

Nowt so queen as folk, as my mother used to say.

It's not fair but the solution is to just not invite her if I want 1-on-1/2/3 time without any surprises.

I think for her she simply feels the need to ask someone if they want to come if it ever comes up in conversation. Don't know how many 'you should join!' statements she's made to me whenever I ask about her plans, if she's seen old friends etc.

Of course I basically never join in but I can see how it snowballs from there.

I do think there is something in this. When there are lots of people around, she retires to the kitchen a lot to cook / clean etc and leaves other people to entertain each other. So I don’t think she necessarily loves big groups at all - it means she can hide a bit more.

i also think that her culture means she finds it very hard to say no directly to anyone and she takes social / family obligations very seriously. If she had invited us, and then her husband said he wanted his sister to come at the same time, I don’t think she’d be able to say no. But she would maybe know that i would choose not to come - so she doesn’t tell me until it’s too late to change my mind🤔.

I am wondering if any of the old ‘gang’ will be on here and recognise the story! Because it is, actually, amazingly, true. 🌟

Urgh I had a friend who used to do this (there was no abusive dynamic) they were just codependent.

It was cringe - we'd all be sitting around and he'd be there grinning waiting for us to talk, it was so forced and awkward and we'd never want to discuss anything personal in front of him so the entire evening was just stupid pointless small talk which completely negates the point of us meeting up in the first place.

I will never understand why people do this- isnt life more interesting to do some things on your own so that when you meet up with your spouse later on you have something to talk about? Also, how do these people cope at work when they dont have their partner next to them all the time? I dont get it at all.

I don't think that's enough, as the friend has form for bringing random women along, too. Not just her husband.

I would have to have a very frank conversation with this friend, telling her that I've noticed she always brings uninvited people along when we meet, and that I'm actually bothered by it as I don't feel like I can speak freely around her husband, family and friends that I don't really know.

In which case, I think you need to be ready explicit and tell her ’Listen, me, Joy and Becky really want to have a girly catch up, just the 4 of us, so no bringing Matt, ok?’ Then hopefully she won’t ambush you last minute.

I would have to have a very frank conversation with this friend, telling her that I've noticed she always brings uninvited people along when we meet, and that I'm actually bothered by it as I don't feel like I can speak freely around her husband, family and friends that I don't really know.

I agree- I think it needs to be spelt out. Not just "please don't bring anyone" but explain that it really bothers you because it means you feel really uncomfortable sharing private stuff with random people you dont know there. It's inhibiting and awkward and you really dont enjoy it. It's not enough to request no extra people, but if you explain why they are more likely to get it.

If after that it still continues then I'm afraid I'd be fading that person out - they clearly dont care about your feelings and its not really a loss anyway because you cant be that close to someone if you can never have any meaningful conversations with them!