Friend brought her husband to long planned dinner with old friends 🙄

[Wofflewaffle]

Went to have dinner out with three old friends tonight. It’s taken a year to find a date that we are all available, we’ve all got lots to talk about, really looking forward to it and… 30 minutes before we are due to meet one of them texts to say that her husband will be joining us!!!

she’s got form for this. I’ve often gone to meet with her and she’ll have brought some random acquaintance along with her. Or I go to her house for tea, and her neighbour will be there too. Or we’ll go en famille to her country house - and when we get there another family / some cousins / the neighbours will also have been invited.

i hate it. It changes the dynamic completely. Tonight it changed from the expected girly catch up to talking about very bland stuff, because we didn’t want to get into anything personal with her husband there. I didn’t make a fuss at the time, and he left after we’d eaten so we had about an hour of proper catching up, but I feel very cheated. I didn’t say anything at the time because her husband is also friends with us, as a family friend. He’s perfectly nice - just not tonight!

i just can’t understand why she thinks this is ok - nor why her husband would even want to join us!

Yes, they don't speak up, just complain later online.

I don’t know what man would want to come to a dinner of just 4 women. Is he controlling? My DH would absolutely never come to dinner with us.

My husband wouldn't dream of coming to an 'all female' get together, if there weren't any other men invited. In fact, he'd have asked me, 'is X and X husband coming too'. If I'd have said No, then he wouldn't have attended.

Some people like being surrounded by lots of people. Your friend sounds as if this is her preference, going by the form she has for inviting various different people to events.

I think you need to be polite but very clear next time, that husband's/randoms aren't invited!!

My husband likes my friends well enough but a night out is a different matter!

She sounds avoidant. My exP had so many strategies for "diluting" a gathering, or at the other extreme excluding people. I'll bet her husband gets excluded from things most couples would choose to do together and she's used your gathering to throw him some crumbs. I've been the person brought along to a gathering where I didn't fit too. It's all a control thing, and her feelings about it will be her genuine feelings but at the same time it's difficult for everyone else to navigate.

Maybe that's why she tried to take him everywhere with her; less opportunity!

Same here! I think it's an odd situation with this woman.

But then why didn't you take that perfect opportunity to say something?

How are things ever going to change if no one ever challenges her?

Urgh I’ve had this with several friends. Worst / funniest was a friend of a friend who came along to our girls night and brought her new boyfriend - he was my ex! That was an extremely awkward evening, no idea what he thought he was doing there and she spent all evening giving me daggers!

Some people are a... the more the merrier sort.

And if its never been a problem.. why would she think its a problem?

If shes such a good friend id talk to her about it and explain what sorta times youd prefer it was the girls only

This exactly what I think happened. She is putting a lot distance between them atm, he’s quite a lot older and just retired and shes deciding to go travelling on her own, to take up time consuming solo hobbies etc. I think because she knew we’d be polite about it, she ‘threw him some crumbs’ by inviting him along to this one part of her life. They do have a weird dynamic (he’s not from the same culture, and they do have a bit of a ‘older western man, younger Asian wife’ vibe’). Which is also why I didn’t challenge it - i felt like I don’t quite understand what’s going on, because to me it’s such a weird thing to do 🤷‍♀️

I think the two kinds of people are those who run the idea of some else being included past you, up front, in plenty of time for you to decide and respect your preference on whether the extra person is included and …

those who spring it on you at the last minute knowing that if you had any choice you would not want them there.

it’s not just ‘more the merrier’ v one on one time.

In the right situation it can be interesting to choose to meet my friend’s friends.

In some of the situations described on this thread, I honestly would say ‘oh hello, lovely to see you, no I’m not staying I didn’t realise you wanted to …. Make it a couples evening or bring your toddler. If everyone followed my example these situations just wouldn’t happen.

I agree with you OP, it is bloody irritating. I often meet friends and my partner will come too but go do his own thing.. often saying hello first then wandering off. My friends always offer him to stay but we don't take them up on it! How can I talk about him when he's there! lol. We do group things and we do girls only. I would leave if an unexpected man was there.

Totally agree, he wouldn’t want to go on a girls night out.

however I have a friend who’s husband would want to come however turned out he was controlling and abusive.

This would piss me off. And he’s a bit thick for not having the brains to realise that him turning up as an uninvited OH to a catch up between four female friends isn’t welcome. I’d never turn up to a meet up between four men without them inviting me. I think the time to say no was when she said he was coming - you should have immediately said ‘girls only.’ Tough if he was already setting off.

If it happens again, simply turn the evening into a pagan ceremony in which you dance around him dressed in robes, binding him to a post like a May pole, whispering and chanting, and set him aflame.

God mine either, when I have girlfriends round he will go out or go and hide elsewhere in the house. If he goes out and comes back late and they’re still here he sticks his head in to wherever we are hanging out and says hi and goodnight!
they’re my friends, he knows most of my friends but they’re very much not his friends.
he’s also just not going to be interested in the things we chat about. He wouldn’t gain anything from gatecrashing our plans at all, he’d be bored shitless. In the same way that one no interest in the things him and his friends talk about on a night out.
I just find co-dependency a bit stifling and, well, quite odd.

Too often jumping to ‘is he controlling’ perhaps it’s the woman who is controlling; he’s not allowed to be on his own, she doesn’t trust him? jealous?

That would really annoy me. It happened to me when my sister organized a family Christmas at her house and she invited one of her friends. The friend completely took over, telling us when to open our presents, playing her own choice of music and trying to organize games. It was awful.

If your friend has form for doing this, I would make it clear to her that any future meet ups should only include those invited and that spouses should stay away.

I had a friend that did this and I just told her honestly that sometimes bringing extra people without asking first changed the dynamic and its also rude. She didnt know since in her family it was kind of normal.

I would reply next time "Oh, I was really hoping to just catch up with you girls, this changes the dynamic somewhat. Not sure I am going to come now".

My friend does this with her children. She is extremely well off and has a great network who she uses for babysitting all the time. It is just when she meets up with me that she brings her kids! I think it is possibly because I do really like children and I will interact with them and look after them for her when they are there.

It isn't the only reason, but I basically don't meet up with her anymore. I did say once "can we just have grown ups?" and she was all hurt. The last time we met up, we had a restaurant booked and she just casually said "oh the kids will be joining us" at the last minute. I actually think it is so rude.

Anyway, op should absolutely speak up, but I think some people just think they can do what suits them and don't really think about other people in the group. They are just not very good friends basically.

Yep this would really annoy me. I once had a stop in a faraway country and had a day to catch up with one of my best friends who was there at the same time who I hadn’t seen in 2 years! When I get there she’s brought her bf along… like what?!?

I’ve got a friend who keeps doing this with her daughter. The daughter is a lovely girl, but you just cannot have the same conversation with a child there. We keep being told how much she loves to feel like a grown up and have adult dinners, but we obviously have to change the conversation and talk about school things etc to entertain her. We’ve tried saying no, but it’s really hard not to be blunt and rude as she’s a good friend.

My friend does a similar thing. we’ll agree that I’ll bring my daughter along who is the same age as her daughter (8). They get on well and it means it’s a fun afternoon for them while we catch up. Then we get there and her daughter randomly has a friend or two from school round (“oh they just appeared at the door”) and my daughter gets left out. It’s so annoying.