To think more and more people are just staying single?

[UseItOrLoseIt1984]

I'm almost 42 and spent the WHOLE of my 20s and over half of my 30s stressing and crying over not having found my person, it was all I ever wanted and I hated feeling like the only one left behind when everyone else seemed to be getting married, or getting engaged, or being in long term relationships or going from one short term fling to the next. The one thing I can say is I never wanted children so at least that pressure was off.

Fast forward to now after the last failure ended in 2021 and I'm genuinely content without a partner. I've built my own quiet and non dramatic life, I adore my solitude, I'm not bothered about sex anymore and I know deep down even if I did find someone right for me it would involve compromise, tolerance and effort that I just can't be arsed to make anymore. So that's that.

But I work with many people both male and female who are much younger than me, say mid 20s to early 30s and whilst some of them are in happy relationships most of them are single and seem to be content enough holidaying with their friends, studying and just doing things on their own including buying houses etc. Certainly none of them are getting married or having children any time soon. Most of my "mum" friends had children by the time they were in their mid 20s.

Also people my own age seem to be staying single now after going through divorces, both male and female. Again I'm not talking for everyone, there is still the odd person who does start a serious relationship in middle age.

Is it me or is single becoming the new thing?

Feeling and loving all the power here of living your own life but how are we going to keep the human race going? So far marriage with shared responsibility has been the best overall model for that (having children), right?

To be honest it isn't always the best option but recording the stats is increasingly hard as so many different types of families exist. I know a lot of single mums, but some have regular money and contact with the father and others they fled the country and/or barely see their kids. So if you look at stability, that doesn't help and you could argue the kids would have been better with a different set up without the turmoil. I know single mothers through choice have stats that suggest women going it alone tend to have better resources and higher education levels, which does seem to give their children a lift academically as much as any wealthy 2 parent family. Kids inherit intelligence from their mother after all!

@MissHollyGolightly I think this is the problem, though, isn't it... a lot of women are opting out of having children (and by extension, relationships with men) because they are aware of the likely imbalance and burden of sacrifice that will fall to them... meanwhile, Lord of the Manor finds his life changes very little by comparison.

It's not just the looking after of the child(ren), it's the hermeneutic labour that women often find themselves constantly having to perform to maintain a relationship. I can't imagine that feels joyous when little children are thrown into the mix.

I honestly think more women would have (more) children if they were more confident that it would be a genuinely shared endeavour.

Perhaps there will be an uptick in women having children on their own and finding their own women-centric communities - this will become more and more commonplace as time goes on, perhaps.

I hear you. Widowed at 37, nearly 10 years on, he was so so lovely and I’ve been so busy raising my DC and working. No time to meet anyone and I can’t imagine for a second they’d match up. No Sleepless in Seattle situation seems to be on the cards. So I’m making the most of my life in other ways. I have wonderful friends and family and lots of adventures despite challenging times with my teens and missing DH. My 12 years with him feels like a dream now.

A lot of Women work and can support themselves, and not need a man so don’t need to put up with crap

dating apps- men can have a pocket full of new women in their pocket

Men seem to be different now, older fashioned men like my dad- he’s very much look after my woman, pay the mortgage and bills, sort her car and petrol, sort her out if she wants something or needs something, even if she had a job, he still seems to be the one taking care of things despite not a high salary, just being more responsible for the home, woman and family. Some guys today put themselves first - you wanna know he’s gunna be at your hospital bed if you’d ill and not on a golf course

worlds just changed- however it’s nice to find someone who loves doing same things as you and to do life with, bonus if the sex is good- but most men arnt that great at that either lol

I think a lot of people don’t really want to keep the human race going. The birth rate is the lowest it’s been for ages. People don’t want to bring children into this world anymore, well many don’t anyway.

I was in relationships for most of my 20s, 18 - 22, then a series of relationships lasting from 6 months to 4 years on off, then another serious one from 28 - 32.

When that last one didn't work out, I felt really stressed and pressured. I knew if I met someone it would be stressful to build a relationship, marry, buy a home, before having children in mid late 30s, plus having to figure out how to manage career. I don't really hage family help near by. I'm not surprised I was anxious about it all.

As it happened I got a major illness in mid 30s which pretty much made the decision for me about children.

So I never had to examine it all in detail but I think ultimately if you don't have a strong desire to build a family there are many other things you can focus on.

Nowadays family to me is about friends, community etc.

In terms of being single, it's great, I'd say on a par in many ways and in many ways better. Being happy and single is great and I'm not in any rush to change that.

It's true that the dating pool shrinks the more successful you are as a woman- more women go to university than men for example. Plus as you get older, decent men are taken, obviously. If I was actively dating, I'd be looking probably for someone that didn't go to university.

I think it's important to be realistic rather than have polarised views that being single is better.

@JoaNiic I agree, plus for most people, unless they have lots of supportive siblings, for example, it's important to build a support network outside your family. Good friends are so valuable.

I’m mid 40s and have had very few relationships. Not through choice, but probably more circumstances. Turning 40 and ‘still being single’ was tough, but I would also rather be single than in a crappy relationship. Yes, I’d love to meet an amazing man and have a happy relationship but if it doesn’t happen, I’ll be alright. I’m not opting out all together, but definitely don’t have the patience to put up with an average man who makes my life more difficult.

I don’t have children and will not have them just to keep the human race going and living a life I don’t want to live. I actually don’t know why people want to bring children into the current mess that is the world to be quite honest with you.

I feel very fortunate I have the choices I do and was born when I was (also being born in England where I have the choice).

We sound very similar.

Times have changed. I was in relationships pretty much consistently from age 16 and that was normal. Anyone who had not been in a relationship by the time they were 21 was seen as unusual.

DD is 21 and has never had a BF and neither have many of her friends. She says she'd like to, but it's very difficult to meet men who want that and not just one night stands. She's in her final year at uni and I thought she may have met someone there, but not the case. She says it's the internet as it's changed communication. Guys ask for her SM where she's out, and say we should go out for a drink, but then nothing.

I do think it's a bit sad that she is not experiencing that side of life at her age. But I think that's my issue as she is happy and says she likes being single and would rather that than be in a bad relationship. She is certainly much more independent than I was at that age. She even goes to concerts and travels alone in a way I wouldn't now.

I'm 44 and done with relationships. I want to put my time and energy into my kids rather than dating. By the time my youngest is 18 I'll be 58 and not sure I'll be interested then either.

I was widowed recently at 60. Spent my whole adult life married with children. Like you I don't really think I could do dating anymore. The modern online way of meeting a partner just doesn't appeal to me and hear of so many bad outcomes. I have my friends, family and grown up children and that's enough atm anyway. I also have 4 sons who all have very different personalities and I really don't see having a step father as being a benefit to them.

Someone’s already posted the stats. Yes. We are a country full of single households now and that has exacerbated the housing crisis.

Am not sorry I got married in my 20s as children do best raised with two parents plus it’s very very hard financially to raise children alone.

Apart from children and finances though life can be so much better for single women I am a bit baffled why divorced women look for a new partner! They always seem to get a raw deal. End up contributing more in some way.

From memory, research done into men leaving women who have been diagnosed with serious illnesses or other life-changing events uncovered an appallingly high rate vs women leaving men. Anecdatally I suspect similar results would turn up too.

Imaging putting your life into a partnership, assuming you'll have the same level of support you would offer, then he just buggers off the minute you need him the most. Everyone thinks it wouldn't be them, not their Nigel, but apparently not*.

(*similar to the Pelicot case, and all the other ghastly networks being uncovered now. Millions and millions of "normal" men all behaving with zero morals towards women they supposedly love)

She even goes to concerts and travels alone in a way I wouldn't now.

I do that too. Gives me a wonderful sense of freedom. And I'm 71....

Don't want to be lying on my death bed saying "I wanted to see the world but I had no-one to come with me...."

I had a short marriage and have a wonderful adult son. I have no desire for a relationship, I have wonderful friends of both sexes. The guys are mostly gay.

Would be nice to have a FWB though....

This is interesting because it is not my experience at all. My DDs are 27 and 24 and are both single, and never had boyfriends but they are very definitely in the minority amongst their peers. The majority of their friends from school are married/engaged/in long term relationships, and a few even have children already.

My DDs are both neurodivergent; DD2 has never expressed an interest in wanting a relationship and thinks she may be asexual. DD1 would like to meet someone but is extremely introverted and struggles socially which makes it very difficult for her. She has dated briefly in the past but finds it all very overwhelming and so ends it before it has a chance to go anywhere.

Edited due to typo.

Yes, I was coming on to say exactly the same thing. Also, you're just as likely (actually more so, given women are more likely to stay) to end up being the carer rather than the cared for. I'm in this situation at the moment and it's been unimaginable difficult and frightening. My DH's (terminal) illness came completely out of the blue in our 40s and has been fairly quick, so life was pulled from under us with no warning. I have spent a lot of this time in hospital/hospice and met many older people, mainly women, who have had years of providing care and lost their own health and remaining healthy years in that time.

We've been happily together for 25 yrs and there was no question of me doing anything other than caring for him, but it has been very hard. Not sure I'd ever have another relationship again, and the prospect of something like this happening in a new relationship is one of the reasons I would be very cautious about anything serious.

I think awareness of just what a raw deal heterosexual women tend to get in relationships is spreading, and many are either opting out of dating entirely (look at the 4B movement in South Korea), or dating but keeping their standards so rightly high that they don't meet anyone. There are sadly far more hetero women who'd make good partners than hetero men, and hopefully more straight women are realising that it's better to be single than in an abusive relationship (with stealing your partner's time via household labour inequality absolutely being abusive).

Hopefully if more women reject men due to the options being so piss poor, men will realise they need to be better.

Yes, but what about women who never wanted children but did/do want a partner? So there's no identity in being a mother. Just wondering.

This is called Heterofatalism isn't it? Have seen a bunch of talk and content on it recently. Women seem to manage better without men than men do without women...huge generalisation I know but this is my observation.