To think more and more people are just staying single?

[UseItOrLoseIt1984]

I'm almost 42 and spent the WHOLE of my 20s and over half of my 30s stressing and crying over not having found my person, it was all I ever wanted and I hated feeling like the only one left behind when everyone else seemed to be getting married, or getting engaged, or being in long term relationships or going from one short term fling to the next. The one thing I can say is I never wanted children so at least that pressure was off.

Fast forward to now after the last failure ended in 2021 and I'm genuinely content without a partner. I've built my own quiet and non dramatic life, I adore my solitude, I'm not bothered about sex anymore and I know deep down even if I did find someone right for me it would involve compromise, tolerance and effort that I just can't be arsed to make anymore. So that's that.

But I work with many people both male and female who are much younger than me, say mid 20s to early 30s and whilst some of them are in happy relationships most of them are single and seem to be content enough holidaying with their friends, studying and just doing things on their own including buying houses etc. Certainly none of them are getting married or having children any time soon. Most of my "mum" friends had children by the time they were in their mid 20s.

Also people my own age seem to be staying single now after going through divorces, both male and female. Again I'm not talking for everyone, there is still the odd person who does start a serious relationship in middle age.

Is it me or is single becoming the new thing?

^This, I’m afraid. You don’t see the ‘true’ man till you’re well and truly hooked.

Plus, I don’t want to be with some porn-raddled bloke (or worse) and I fear too many of them are these days.

I really just don’t trust men anymore because of the way the internet has changed society.

I am seeing more people long-term single. Many by preference, many who might prefer to have a partner but have full and happy lives nonetheless as they still have a robust network of single friends, and activities and careers and plans they derive pleasure and meaning from.

In my own experience, I see far more straight women being happily single, and functioning well on their own, than straight men.

I think women can get an intimate connection from their friendships that’s often a great deal more fulfilling than what straight men can scrape together on a sustained basis.

A feeling that someone really appreciates you, and can let you be who you are even if it’s different from them, and can let you have a different opinion, and will tell you when you look fantastic, and will be genuinely excited for you and proud of you when you get a promotion, and will comfort you when you’re down without needing to be told exactly how.

The difficulty in singledom is largely about money, and kids. It costs a lot to live alone, and being a single / lone parent is very hard. I wonder if we’ll see more friend groups / dyads or siblings buying property together, with all the complicated legalities and dynamics that could entail.

And more co-operative living arrangements where kids are raised in a larger chosen family (though that’s not for everyone).

I've got five kids, aged between 37 and 30. Two are married (both the boys), eldest daughter getting married next month, her younger sister marrying early next year. The youngest is happily living with her partner. They all seem very happy, but I do wonder whether the cost of housing has maybe fed into the need to couple up (they all own houses as couples, except youngest who owns in her own right).

I, on the other hand, have been single for six years and have absolutely zero plans to couple up ever again, despite the fact that I seem to have become catnip to men. Again, I put that down to owning my own home. I will never live with a man again, ever.

I never want to live with a man again . I’m hugely independent, have my own money and a wide circle of friends and all the available men my age are awful . No way would I entertain a broke cocklodger with a foot fetish , evil divorce and estranged kids behind him . Urgh

Stereotype, not all men.

Yes I'm 5 years since my marriage ended and we co-parent well. DC thriving and my life is fine. I cannot be arsed with another relationship, nevermind actually waste my precious time, money and energry dating.

It's not worth it nowadays. Financially tying yourself to someone else can leave you really vulnerable, as can sharing a home where you share a room or rental contract.. renting a room is easier and a more affordable route to eventually owning a home and doesn't require you to purchase so much for shared spaces. Having children with someone is a real mixed bag, and many of us who want or have children don't benefit from the security of a breadwinner and a more certain future that previous generations had. The world feels simultaneously bigger and smaller... OLD and travelling mean it can appear that you have thousands more people to ponder, which makes committing harder, yet at the same time, meeting people at work to date is frowned upon, it's risky now to make it known to anyone in person that you find them attractive in case you are accused of being inappropriate, everyone is either too poor to socialise or has so many options that they are focusing on the activities and not the connections. There is more awareness of just how awful people can be (to children and partners, and online). In the past, life was more private. Now we have more comparison information to use both about ourselves and potential partners, so it's hard to accept how less-than- perfect most of us are. I'd also hazard a guess that more people married in previous generations to cover up their sexuality whereas thankfully today in the UK you can no longer be punished for being gay.

I think we have to speak in general terms on these types of threads. Finding a normal, sound, kind man with no ulterior motives is hard when you are middle aged. You'd have to be prepared to kiss a huge amount of frogs to find a good one.

I know loads of single women.

It seems to be like the younger generations stay single for as long as possible and then only settle down when they want children.

I’ve also noticed the older generations that have had the kids, are done and don’t try and salvage their relationship as much or once separate just want to stay that way.

I think women have always had the identity of wives and mothers and without that, there was something ‘wrong’ with you.
But now there is less pressure to conform and so women are actually able to be something other than just a wife or mother.

I'm a very happily single man in my 50s. I've got no desire to get in to a relationship again because, frankly, I can't be arsed. I did try online dating for a while but it was awful so I gave up and realised I was a lot happier without the added stress. I know a few other men (and women) around my age who have come to the same conclusion.

This is the one of the best things to come out of this era, the culture of embracing peace and being alone. It's like it's cool now to do solitude. Eating out alone is another thing now. In my time it was shameful to be alone. I have always been very much happy alone so I am finally in the right era

I assume people who are genuinely happy single have very very effective social support networks. Not that we should pick lives based on the hard times but having cancer or similar as a single person with no spouse alternative in my life would be absolutely awful. It is better to be single than with the wrong person obviously but I don't think being single is better than being with the right person, ever.

There's a lot of unhappy and lonely people, and a lot of teenagers are scared. The norms we had, like driving, getting a job, buying a house etc, aren't there anymore. They also envy us the ability just to meet people-19 year old relative told me how lucky we are not to have had to use online dating.
I don't think it's universally true, either-some of my friends from Hindu/Muslim communities have supportive communities who help them meet partners (they are free to make this choice, so no nasty racist comments please) and they seem very happy.

Not a single one of my Son's university flat mates have married or had children (nor even partnering up with someone long term) and that's 14 graduates who are now aged 25, and most with good graduate/professional jobs.

Tbf, im 56 and when I was a 25 year old graduate non of my friends had married or had children either. 25 is still very young to settle down I think most of my friends married late 20s/early 30s.

I‘m 58 and I was desperate to be married and have children and ended up with 3 abusive marriages and divorces and have 4 children, the youngest 17. I brought them all up mostly single handed while being abused by their fathers or desperately trying to find the next one, which I deeply regret. I love my children of course, but I regret what I chose in terms of relationships.

I finally saw the light 10 years ago and have been happily single since, apart from a couple of short relationships very much on my terms. My career, friendships and life in general has flourished including travel to far away places I’ve always wanted to go, hugely improved finances and great experiences, all of which were damaged and limited by the men I chose.

If I was 20 now I would do it very differently and I’m glad younger people don’t feel the huge pressure I did.

Certainly true for me - similar to you my last relationship was 2021 and I just haven't been bothered since. I don't miss the drama at all and am always pleased for friends who finally decide to leave the lumps they married decades ago who have cheated, been painfully lazy and unaccountable. I think a lot of the time they are surprised when I say "Yay!" after they say they are getting a divorce, but I honestly see it as so positive for women. We get a second chance to do what we actually want and not have to run around after an adult child.

I have also noticed a lot of friends in a similar age bracket coming out as late bloomer lesbians and having calm and lasting relationships into retirement with other likeminded women.

Very interesting point about your own home as when I was in my mid 20's and owned my own home men saw that as a MASSIVE issue. I think their ego couldn't let them live in a house they weren't able to say "I gave her that" or maybe it made them feel I was too independant and them less irreplaceable. I have noticed that the last person I dated was very affronted that I wanted to keep my house and not move into his flat...despite me having a child who was at a local school to me at the time!

Don't get me wrong, I love DP, we've been together almost 9 years and we get on absolutely fine.

But if something were to happen and I found myself single, I wouldn't rush into finding anyone else to live with.

Is it possible that a major factor in your friends' unfulfilling relationships with men was that they were lesbians who were lying to both themselves and their male partners?

100% i wish it was like this 20 years ago. I’d have stayed single and child free for definite

I’m 51 and I’ve never been married, never had children, never lived with a partner.

When I was in my 20s and 30s, all my friends were getting married and having babies and I felt horribly left out, like there was something very wrong with me.

I now feel extraordinarily lucky that I didn’t get married or get a joint mortgage or get pregnant. My life is books, animals, friends, alone time, and work. These are the things I’ve always needed and that have always fulfilled me, even as a child - but I didn’t know then that it was ok to live alone as an adult. This is the life I was always meant to have. And I’m very glad young people today know this is an option, and they understand a happy life doesn’t have to include marriage and children.

I’m completely financially independent. I have a lovely partner, but we don’t live together and probably never will. I’m extremely introverted, and also found out recently that I’m autistic.

In my teens and early 20s, I did want children, but I never met a man I would have trusted to have them with. I’m glad I followed my judgement.

I thought about having kids by myself, but in my late thirties I found a career that I’m absolutely passionate about that I wouldn’t have been able to do with children. And then - ironically - I found out the day after my hysterectomy that I wouldn’t have been able to get pregnant anyway. I feel that I’m living a life that’s right for me, and I’m very grateful to live at a time in history where I’m able to do so.

I think what I’m trying to say is: if I’d had children and a husband, I expect I’d be jealous of young people who don’t feel they have to have either!

I think you make a very good point. It’s crucial to have consciously explicit support, practically, and also for mental health.

Not the same people, but that would have been an obvious connection if it had been.

I think a lot of women don't want to age alone and the safest option is to live with another woman and tax benefits a marriage provides.

I'm 34, divorced and haven't had a romantic relationship for years. I do have a FWB situation that suits me, but I have no desire to tie myself financially or to share my home with another person. My ex husband was a man-child who did nothing round the house, took out loads of loans getting into debt, and had substance abuse issues so would regularly go on benders where he would either disappear or smash up our home. I now have my own peaceful home. My dad's a serial cheat and I see how trapped my mum is financially. I can't be bothered for managing a partners mood swings or being their maid. Just this week a woman in work said her boyfriend has hoovered their home once in the last year, and doesn't do any cleaning. I'd rather be single than be in an unequal "partnership". I know good men married to my friends, they absolutely do exist, but for me the juice isn't worth the squeeze.