To think more and more people are just staying single?

[UseItOrLoseIt1984]

I'm almost 42 and spent the WHOLE of my 20s and over half of my 30s stressing and crying over not having found my person, it was all I ever wanted and I hated feeling like the only one left behind when everyone else seemed to be getting married, or getting engaged, or being in long term relationships or going from one short term fling to the next. The one thing I can say is I never wanted children so at least that pressure was off.

Fast forward to now after the last failure ended in 2021 and I'm genuinely content without a partner. I've built my own quiet and non dramatic life, I adore my solitude, I'm not bothered about sex anymore and I know deep down even if I did find someone right for me it would involve compromise, tolerance and effort that I just can't be arsed to make anymore. So that's that.

But I work with many people both male and female who are much younger than me, say mid 20s to early 30s and whilst some of them are in happy relationships most of them are single and seem to be content enough holidaying with their friends, studying and just doing things on their own including buying houses etc. Certainly none of them are getting married or having children any time soon. Most of my "mum" friends had children by the time they were in their mid 20s.

Also people my own age seem to be staying single now after going through divorces, both male and female. Again I'm not talking for everyone, there is still the odd person who does start a serious relationship in middle age.

Is it me or is single becoming the new thing?

Most of my "mum" friends had children by the time they were in their mid 20s.

@UseItOrLoseIt1984 Wow, I'm a decade older than you and don't know anyone in my age group who had children that young, we were all in our 30's and early 40's. Aside from one friend who had her first at 29 :-).

Anyway, I agree that more people are choosing to be single, although DD (21) and her friends do have partners, not necessarily anything serious but they do date.

None of them have intense relationships though, they do alot without their partners (go on holiday with friends, pursue hobbies without them, for example) and vice versa, which is v. healthy. Mind you, DH and I do a fair few activities without each other too, so it's not just their generation.

I don't feel a man would enhance my life though, I'm perfectly happy and comfortable on my own.

I have noticed this too. I am one of the 'happily single' women. After my last LTR broke up 9 years ago,I swore I was done with men. Quite a few people said I would change my mind,but I haven't. I am disabled with a few health problems and I was finding it exhausting having to worry about someone else all the time. Admittedly, having someone in my life to help me with things I struggle with would be nice,but my past experiences showed me that very few men are capable of doing that. It was all about them. They wanted looking after, despite the fact that I struggled to look after myself sometimes! Or they wanted financial support,which I was wasn't able to give. I think there's a lot of truth in the saying that all men want is a purse or a nurse!

I divorced at fifty, which was fifteen years ago. I knew then that I would stay single. I have had a couple of relationships since, but felt suffocated as soon as they became more than dates. I just prefer my own space. I don’t want to compromise, I’m a bit of a free spirit. I don’t want commitment. Been there, done that . I like having friends and family drop by but being as free as a bird. I have a lot of love to give, but I give it unconditionally to close family and friends.

I think this is definitely a thing. My dd is 23 and isn’t even remotely interested in meeting anyone or settling down and neither are her friends. She has had a couple of non serious boyfriends but just gets fed up with them and ends it and says she can’t be bothered with the hassle of it all. She is much more friends oriented than I was, she rents a flat with her 2 closest friends and just wants to work, save money and enjoy herself. I had her at 22 and I’d already been with her dad (separated when she was 6 months old) for 5 years by then!

It is a very different world now. There isn’t the same urge to have children and get married etc that there used to be. And that’s a good thing. I am in my second marriage now but if dh and I split up tomorrow I’d quite happily stay single for life. And I really do mean that.

@Middlemarch123 I know I'd be the same if DH and I split up or I'm widowed, no interest at all in another serious relationship. Whereas DH would soon find someone, he's be miserable without a partner.

Yes, I was only saying to someone today that thank goodness I'm not interested in dating anymore. For a long time I struggled with never meeting the right person and now I'm not only relieved but content as I am. I couldn't be bothered with someone else's issues and moods anymore. I have health issues and I'm much happier being in charge of my life without concerning myself with another person. The thought of being sized up and judged as suitable dating material fills me with dread now. No thank you.

Most of the straight single women I know really don't like the idea of seeking a man because the dating world seems grim. They'd rather just go out with their friends.

Have you missed the endless threads on mumsnet from from women talking about their dating experiences, both online and in person?

I’ve been single for 15 years and am very happy. I have a job, friends, a house, hobbies, adult children and quite frankly no space or time
for a romantic relationship. I am open to making more friends but don’t want to live with a man ever again.

What needs to come with this is a greater acceptance that being single is normal and there is nothing wrong with you if you are.

Too many people, both women and men, remain in or enter bad relationships because they think being single is worse.

There are obviously great men out there but I don’t have the time or inclination to find out if they’d make a good romantic partner for me. I’m open to being their friend and having fun but I think that divorce has fundamentally changed me so I can see that romantic relationships are not for me.

If you think that Mr Right is that lust/love at first sight kind of movie situation then I disagree. I have noticed that someone is more attractive than what I normally see day to day but it doesn’t make them the right person for me.

If I’m single until I die, I’d be fine with that tbh.

if I had never wanted children. I would have remained happily single.

I've spoken about this with a few friend groups recently and pretty much everyone, including those of us in happy relationships we would never want to end, were hugely applauding of women just choosing themselves.

I can absolutely see why a woman who is financially stable would choose to live alone.

I'm surprised we don't see small communities of like minded women living together, supporting each other as chosen family. I believe a small village of women could absolutely raise children well.

How long do you think it would take for such places to become targets of rejection fuelled male privilege and violence, though?

Yes, THIS.

I know people who are single because they cant find anyone decent (totally fair enough- better to be alone than with the wrong person)

However, if they met their ideal partner tomorrow- someone who they found attractive, kind, interesting, funny, adored them, made them laugh, had shared interests etc They wouldnt be saying "no thanks, I'm washing my hair tonight".

I'm 48 and been single for 6 years following a crappy 12 relationship. I don’t have any children and never wanted any through choice. I have no interest in another relationship and I don't miss sex so that's not an issue either. The thought of dating again and all the anxiety it brings. Urgh! I just love doing my own thing and have no desire to disrupt that.

I'm 40, married with 2 kids, but I absolutely get it and think people can be just as happy alone. After my last relationship I said that was it. Now DH spent a year chasing after I kept rejecting. I'm glad now because we are a good team, but I'd definitely not be getting married etc in 20's. My parents were 19 & 23 and are divorced.

Newly single after a 20 year relationship (nice relationship, but just drifted apart), and relationships before that. Now, I've never been happier in my own space with my own company 🥰 If I happen to meet someone new in the future, I won't be letting them move in, ever 😂

The idea of dating fills me with abject horror. Everything about it sounds awful, but most of all the way it is basically offering yourself up to be judged worthy enough or not by a near-stranger. If not, you get binned off without a second glance. If yes then there is this a whole system of rules and stages that apparently you have to declare for them to be valid (official, exclusive etc)

And the cesspit that is OLD is the mouldy, nasty cherry on top of that.

I know a young woman who updates me on her dating life and I really admire her willingness to get stuck in to all of that and deal (emotionally) with it as well. But for me? Hand me the rusty teaspoon for my eyes please.

Im 40 this december and ive been single for 13 year, by choice i love it.
I have NO interest in men or wanting one.

I think it's fair to say it's through choice if you are single and not looking to date. Not on any apps, not approaching men when out, not asking friends if they know any nice single men etc. I am that person. I am happily single through choice for now. Hopefully life is long and I am not above changing my mind about anything, regardless of if that is where to live, meeting a man, becoming a lesbian, buying a car, investing in crypto. None of things are something I am looking to change now, so through choice I shall carry on with what I am doing and what's making me happy right now.

It just makes more sense to stay single. Why would a capable intelligent woman attach herself legally and financially to anyone else?

Marriage is no longer necessary to have a child or for a sex life. Women can work full time while supporting their children. And by staying single, she is able to walk away without complications if the man proves to be violent, an addict, controlling, or unfaithful. No legal battle, no huge solicitors fees, no loss of pension.

For women who do not want a career, it may be they are happier and better off on benefits than married.

As for Mr Right turning up, there's always a level of risk that comes with opening ourselves up to love. I think the level of risk you're willing to take is very different when you're an optimistic 20something compared to say a more jaded 40someting who has seen the results of bad relationships.

Weaponised incompetence. I’m having that one.

I think its great that people can be respected for their choices. The pressure for people to couple up used to be ridiculous. All that said I would fear peer pressure the other way. I know someone who really really wanted to meet someone and was embarrassed to admit this. She heard a lot of 'you don't need a man' from women but she felt they weren't respecting her feelings of wanting a man. It's ok to want a relationship or children or a career or a passionate hobby or a single life or whatever the hell you want. I feel people don't respect each other's wants enough